We're all going on a summer holiday!
Yeah, to a country that doesn't have an extradition treaty.
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I saw the strangest thing ever the other day.
I threw a sausage off the pier and some blind man jumped in after it.
Then, when he reappeared out of the water, he'd transformed into a Labrador.
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I don't believe that Robin Williams is dead.
I reckon that he'll suddenly reappear again in 2040. After being trapped in a board game the whole time.
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I couldn't sleep last night so I decided to play on my drums.
Interestingly, I also learnt that my neighbour has Tourette's.
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My parents always used to sit and listen to Cliff Richard when I was younger.
Instead of actually coming in my room and stopping him.
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I was always told that if a woman invites you back for coffee she actually wants sex.
It's made things really awkward with my Gran.
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How to start an argument online.
1. Express an opinion.
2. Wait.
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I've heard that if a bear attacks you, you should play dead.
Anyone else think that sounds suspiciously like something a bear would say?
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Sang about a living doll,
hung around with young ones
and had loads of choir boys in one of his music videos.
How many more clues did the Police fucking need.
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BBC News: A passenger on board a Malaysia Airlines flight had to take control from the two pilots as the plane was coming into land.
A spokesperson for the airline stated the pilots had panicked because they'd never got that far before.
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Think of religion like a movie.
The Torah is the first one, and the New Testament is the sequel. Then the Qu'ran comes out and it retcons like the last one never
happened. There's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore, and the Messiah hasn't shown up yet.
Jews like the first movie, but ignore the sequels, Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third movie doesn't count, Muslims think the third one was the best, and Mormons liked the second one so much that they started writing fan fiction that doesn't fit in with ANY of the series.
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My girlfriend says she's leaving me, because the beginnings of my jokes are becoming cliched and predictable.
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Christmas time, Vaseline and wine
Children crying every time.
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New Scientist magazine has revealed a study which shows that drivers who drink are 80% more dangerous than drivers high on weed.
That's mostly because the drivers on weed are just sitting in a McDonald's Drive-Thru.
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My Geordie mate doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.
Then again, he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.
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So, America got 9/11 and London got 7/7.
Ratings don't lie America.
We're much better than you.
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Before you marry someone you should let them use a computer with slow internet connection.
Just to see who they really are.
We're all going on a summer holiday...
Except for you Cliff. You're going to prison.
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BBC NEws: Man killed as e-cigarette 'explodes', Merseyside fire service says.
Liverpool council have asked for there to be a minute silence every time someone lights a fag up for the next ten years, a campaign for justice for the E-cigarette one, an inquest and a boycott of the Sun newspaper.
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Is it too early to say Robin Williams touched me when I was a kid?
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I think my weight problem might be getting out of control, so this morning I downloaded an app for counting calories.
Later, I entered what I ate for lunch and it uninstalled itself.
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You know you've got as weight problem When cold chips is "salad."
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Parents are worried about two things these days.
1. What their sons download.
2. What their daughters upload.
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The young ones,
Darling we're the young ones,
And young ones shouldn't be afraid.
Oh, I think they should be Sir Cliff.
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When I'm driving around town, I like to phone the numbers on the side of those one man business vehicles.
When they answer, I don't say anything.
I just switch on my siren.
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My boss called my mobile. "Can't you hear the fire alarm?" He asked. "Why are you still inside the office?"
"I'm in the middle of something quite important at the moment," I replied.
"I don't give a shit!" He shouted. "You know the rules. Evacuate the building now!"
Half an hour later as we watched the flames engulfing the third floor, he asked, "What was so important that it was worth risking your life for then?"
"I was just about to switch off the photocopier where all that smoke was coming from."
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All I need now is Noel Edmunds and I've got a full house at Yewtree Bingo.
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"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."
Is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
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"Robin Williams' death couldn't have come at a better time"
- Malaysian Airlines
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I find telling landlords in pubs that I served in Iraq sometimes helps me get a free drink.
Never tell them it was at the Baghdad Open Tennis Championships though.
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Reports of a pilot's prosthetic arm 'came off while landing' have been played down this morning by Malaysian Airlines, saying "he's the third best pilot we have left after 'Blind Chan' and 'Dementia Deshi'"
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BBC News; Gaza announces 5 day truce.
Glad to see him and the wife trying to work it out again.
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I have Obsessive Cleaning Disorder and that's why I lost my job as a Forensic Crime Scene Investigator.
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The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."