I was approached by a prostitute in Glasgow who asked me if I wanted a fuck.
"I've only got a fiver," I told her.
Luckily she had change.
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I can't believe it.
My dog just called me a lying bastard!
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How many naked glamour models does it take to change a light bulb?
If you know the answer to that, fair play to you
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My mate told me that he thinks his gran has Alzheimer's.
Apparently, she called him Dave earlier when his name is Pete.
Then he said, "Either that or she's thinking of someone else when we're having sex."
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So, couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.
Nice one Philip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.
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I could never cheat in a relationship,
Because that would require two people to find me attractive.
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I got stopped by a cop the other day, so I pulled out my 9 millimetre.
Once he'd stopped laughing, he arrested me for indecent exposure.
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Apparently it was Suicide Awareness Day on Monday.
I wasn't sure what that entailed, so I just looked up when walking past tall buildings.
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I made a pact with my best friend that if we're both still single at 40, we'll kill each other.
In case we turn out to be in a romantic comedy.
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I said to my mate, "I can't keep my eyes off my new neighbour."
He said, "Why, is she really hot?"
I said, "No, he's a thieving chav bastard."
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Nothing like a good old blowjob to finish the day off
I best brush my teeth again though.
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I've got 99 problems...
Worst fucking maths homework ever.
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So McAfee say Emma Watson is the most dangerous celebrity to google.
I always dreamed I would catch a virus off Emma Watson.
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I came in late again and the wife was straight down my throat
"You bastard, you've been down the pub again, seven nights a fucking week, I'm sick of it. You've got a family, it's time you started coming home at a decent hour..."
"For fuck's sake Sandra, I'm the fucking Landlord.."
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I'm not the sharpest spark in the box.
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America claims to be a Christian country.
Yet the Devil isn't on the F.B.I.'s ten most wanted list.
Fucking hypocrites.
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My heart goes out to the children who's parents were recently brutally gunned down in France.
One can only imagine the sheer horror and torment of witnessing such a tragic event and how psychologically scarred their childhood will be from this point.
However, Bruce Wayne didn't turn out too badly.
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My workmate asked me a question earlier.
"You don't like Phil very much, do you?"
"What an absurd thing to say," I said, "What makes you think that?"
"Because you've just shat in his bike helmet."
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Wife: "I fingered myself to an orgasm this morning, while you slept beside me and didn't even notice".
Husband: "Of course I fucking noticed, I just pretended to be asleep because I didn't want to spoil your fun by you having to fake it".
Wet summer leads to mole explosion in British gardens, experts say.
No wonder they live underground if they react so violently to a little water.
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How many women on a period does it take to change a light bulb?
Hopefully one, because I couldn't cope with more.
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I remember being at school and my mate Dave turned up late for a lesson with a huge smile on his face.
"You've been for a crafty wank in the toilets, haven't you?" I whispered.
"Can you tell?" he asked.
"Of course," I said, quickly standing up, "Sir, Dave has just been wanking in the toilets!"
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After sinking yet another whiskey, it finally sunk in for Batman his marriage was over after his divorce came through.
"Look on the bright side" Robin said, putting an arm round his crime fighting pal.
"At least you won't need to get a fathers for justice outfit."
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I called my boss this morning and said, "I won't be coming in today, the car won't start."
"What about the bus?" he asked.
"I haven't got a bus."
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"Who're your children?"
A perfectly friendly question, until you forget the apostrophe.
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My boss rung me and said, "Where are you? We need you right now."
I replied, "I'm driving, can't really talk sorry."
"Okay then. Just tell me where you are?"
"At the go kart centre."
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It turns out that the baby boy I've been bringing up for the last 2 weeks isn't actually mine.
Apparently there was some kind of mix up at the hospital.
If I'm honest I did think that myself.
Especially as I only went in to have the cast taken off my leg.
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Whilst sitting in the car, I've had a wank on the A1, A3, A4 and A6.
Then the Audi dealer kicked me out.
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I spy, with my little i, a lawsuit from Apple.
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I said to my doctor, "I've got a problem with my penis. Just before I'm about to make love to my wife, she laughs at it."
He said, "Don't worry that's quite common."
I said, "Really?"
"Yes." He replied. "She laughs at everyone's."
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Ten years ago today, my friend died when he was hit by a lorry delivering Magic Eye books.
It was awful.
He didn't see it until it was an inch away from his face, and when he did, he thought it was the Eiffel Tower.
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I was sitting in the pub rolling a cigarette, then the barman said to me, "Sorry mate, but you can't roll cigarettes in here."
I said, "I didn't realise it was against the law."
"It isn't. You are just shit at it."
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I like Danny Wellbeck, but I much prefer his earlier work in Hey Arnold.
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I was cleaning out my elderly neighbours back garden yesterday when I came across a lamp.
I rubbed the side, to give it a clean and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
"I'll grant you any wish for releasing me from the lamp!" he boomed.
I looked up and noticed a passenger jet in the sky. In need of a holiday, I said "I wish I was on that plane."
With a whoosh, my wish was granted.
Ten minutes later, I landed at Birmingham airport.
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I'll never forget September the 11th.
I'm an elephant.
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People sometimes ask me why I talk to myself.
It's because sometimes I need expert advice.
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I hear Welsh men have found two new uses for sheep.
Meat and Wool.
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You have a male friend that has no sense of smell.
He also watches an inordinate amount of porn.
Whilst at his house one day you notice a tub of Vaseline next to his computer.
Question:
Is it morally wrong to swap the contents of his Vaseline tub for Vicks Vapour Rub when you get the chance?
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I sat and watched a kitten spray up the side of my car this morning.
In hindsight I could have slowed down really.
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BBC News: Apple are planning a law suit on the estate of Alexander Graham Bell for using the word 'phone'.
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My girlfriend dumped me for being too shallow.
Her exact words were "Your dicks tiny."