I've got one of the most terrifying injuries that a man can have - a groin strain.
My wife found out that I was cheating and tried to force my testicles through a sieve.
=====
BBC News: Strauss-Kahn sex case dropped
He was said to be very embarrassed as 3 dildo's, a blow up doll, 2 strap-on's and a tube of lube fell out of it.
=====
Deal or No Deal has gotten so much more enjoyable since I've become blind..........and deaf.
=====
So Jodie Marsh has become a body builder.
When I first saw the pictures, I just thought, 'Wow, Iggy Pop looks rough'
=====
I was on holiday in Switzerland, when my girlfriend called. She asked "What's the view from your hotel like?"
I said "Picturesque."
She replied "I can't, I don't know what the fuck Esk looks like."
=====
Spider-man isn't the only one to have White, sticky stuff on his hands after being on the web all day.
=====
Sexual orientation?
Is that like kinky map reading?
=====
Why did the Drunk cross the road ?
To get to the same side
=====
10 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.
Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.
=====
There are two types of people in this world:
1. People who piss in the shower.
2. Dirty fucking liars.
=====
A man has gone to A & E after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass.
Doctors have described his condition as "stable."
=====
Why does Pornhub let you upload the Porn you're watching to twitter.
I mean if I wanted people to know I was wanking I would do it at the park.
=====
I told this girl I'd just met that she looks like my ex.
She said, "Not a great opening line mate, are you on the rebound?"
"Oh not at all," I replied, "nobody else compares to Steve."
=====
To stick with the family tradition, Dora had no choice but to become an explorer.
Her sister, Dostitute, got off a lot worse though.
=====
A woman grabbed my cock and said, "Wow! Your dick wouldn't make a very good clock."
"Why?" I asked Intrigued.
"Cause I'd struggle to get a second hand on it." She replied.
=====
I wonder. If you painted one breast green and one breast red, then put a pair of 3d glasses on, would there be 1 massive 3-d tit ?
=====
My wife used to punch me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much, until I found out she was faking them.
=====
The Dalai Lama walks into Pizza Hut, and says, 'Can you make me One with everything?'
=====
I strolled over to this fit blonde bird at the pub and said, "You know, gentlemen prefer blondes."
She said, "Well, if you could see my pubic hair, you'd know I'm not a natural blonde."
I said, "Love, if I could see your pubic hair, I wouldn't give a shit what color the hair on your head is!"
My wife found out that I was cheating and tried to force my testicles through a sieve.
=====
BBC News: Strauss-Kahn sex case dropped
He was said to be very embarrassed as 3 dildo's, a blow up doll, 2 strap-on's and a tube of lube fell out of it.
=====
Deal or No Deal has gotten so much more enjoyable since I've become blind..........and deaf.
=====
So Jodie Marsh has become a body builder.
When I first saw the pictures, I just thought, 'Wow, Iggy Pop looks rough'
=====
I was on holiday in Switzerland, when my girlfriend called. She asked "What's the view from your hotel like?"
I said "Picturesque."
She replied "I can't, I don't know what the fuck Esk looks like."
=====
Spider-man isn't the only one to have White, sticky stuff on his hands after being on the web all day.
=====
Sexual orientation?
Is that like kinky map reading?
=====
Why did the Drunk cross the road ?
To get to the same side
=====
10 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.
Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.
=====
There are two types of people in this world:
1. People who piss in the shower.
2. Dirty fucking liars.
=====
A man has gone to A & E after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass.
Doctors have described his condition as "stable."
=====
Why does Pornhub let you upload the Porn you're watching to twitter.
I mean if I wanted people to know I was wanking I would do it at the park.
=====
I told this girl I'd just met that she looks like my ex.
She said, "Not a great opening line mate, are you on the rebound?"
"Oh not at all," I replied, "nobody else compares to Steve."
=====
To stick with the family tradition, Dora had no choice but to become an explorer.
Her sister, Dostitute, got off a lot worse though.
=====
A woman grabbed my cock and said, "Wow! Your dick wouldn't make a very good clock."
"Why?" I asked Intrigued.
"Cause I'd struggle to get a second hand on it." She replied.
=====
I wonder. If you painted one breast green and one breast red, then put a pair of 3d glasses on, would there be 1 massive 3-d tit ?
=====
My wife used to punch me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much, until I found out she was faking them.
=====
The Dalai Lama walks into Pizza Hut, and says, 'Can you make me One with everything?'
=====
I strolled over to this fit blonde bird at the pub and said, "You know, gentlemen prefer blondes."
She said, "Well, if you could see my pubic hair, you'd know I'm not a natural blonde."
I said, "Love, if I could see your pubic hair, I wouldn't give a shit what color the hair on your head is!"
Upon arrival to heathrow airport Manu Tuilagi was asked to sum up Englands performance at the world cup in a few words to which he replied:
"World cup!!??? I thought we were on Mike Tindall's stag do!!"
=====
The grenade factory is the one place where being able to hear a pin drop is a bad thing.
=====
" One lump or two?" my girlfriend asked.
I said "Actually, I think I'll drink it black until we get some new milk."
=====
HIV, Chlamydia, Salmonella and a used band-aid go into a bar...
Just another day at the Cadburys factory.
=====
This first season of Eastenders is dragging on a bit.
=====
I've just finished building my replica of Rome out of Lego.
It only took a day.
=====
I buy a iPad and Steve Jobs dies.
I buy a Blackberry and bbm dies.
Fingers crossed, I've just bought Katy Prices' autobiography.
=====
Paul McCartney's finding it hard to adapt to his new wife.
When she asks for a foot rub he still keeps reaching for the sandpaper.
=====
This Scotch egg is bullshit. I've been sitting on it for days, and it still hasn't hatched into a drink.
=====
I've just had a shit that was that big it touched the water before breaking off.
Pretty impressive from the middle diving board.
=====
In an attempt to stave off another world recession, the Greek government have been offered an international rescue package.
If they buy Tracy Island and one pack of figures, they can have Thunderbird Two at half price.
=====
What does Mr T stand for?
Maybe he just doesn't want to sit down.
=====
My 8 year old son said to me, "Dad, you're drunk aren't you?"
"Don't be silly," I said "Why do you think that?"
"Because your making me drive home again."
=====
I've just been competing in the World Disfigured Manhood Championships.
I won the no bell piece prize.
=====
I have sympathy for those people who suffered through Bloody Sunday...........and other countless U2 songs.
=====
My wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.
Running in, I found her dead on the floor. In a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons do an all-day breakfast for £3.99.
=====
BBC News: Newlywed McCartney celebrates with gigs.
Careful, Paul, he'll be fucking her before you know it.
=====
I pulled up by a prostitute earlier and wound down the window.
"How much for anal?" I asked
"80 quid" she replied
"I'll give you 60" I said
"No it's 80 for that sir I'm afraid."
"Fine, Ill give you 80. Just make sure it's a clean strap-on."
=====
I bumped into my ex yesterday.
"Who are you fucking now then?" I sneered.
"Just my rampant rabbit," she laughed, walking away.
Bitch, we'll see who's laughing when she has twenty mouths to feed.
=====
JLS should really be given OBEs.
Then they would be jobless.
=====
Apparently my ex has been receiving anonymous death threats over the phone.
No one laughs at my tiny cock and gets away with it.
=====
My dyslexic wife takes it up the earholes.
=====
You call it lazy, I call it selective participation.
=====
"Apple founder to be cremated"
Job well done.
=====
I took a painting I found in my loft to the Antiques Roadshow. The expert inspected it and said.
"You have heard of Vincent Van Gogh, haven't you?"
"Yes I have," I said excitedly.
"He wouldn't have wiped his arse with this piece of shite."
=====
My wife came downstairs in a tight fitting yellow dress.
I said, "Oo la la"
She said, "You like it?"
I said, "No, you look like La-La"
=====
An English man, Irish man and Scottish man walk into a pub...
To watch Wales play in the Semi-finals Rugby World Cup.
=====
Does anyone know if N.W.A. actually got to fuck Sting & the rest of the band?
=====
So New York has built a 'Park in the sky' then?
Hope it works better than their 'Airport in a skyscraper' idea.
"World cup!!??? I thought we were on Mike Tindall's stag do!!"
=====
The grenade factory is the one place where being able to hear a pin drop is a bad thing.
=====
" One lump or two?" my girlfriend asked.
I said "Actually, I think I'll drink it black until we get some new milk."
=====
HIV, Chlamydia, Salmonella and a used band-aid go into a bar...
Just another day at the Cadburys factory.
=====
This first season of Eastenders is dragging on a bit.
=====
I've just finished building my replica of Rome out of Lego.
It only took a day.
=====
I buy a iPad and Steve Jobs dies.
I buy a Blackberry and bbm dies.
Fingers crossed, I've just bought Katy Prices' autobiography.
=====
Paul McCartney's finding it hard to adapt to his new wife.
When she asks for a foot rub he still keeps reaching for the sandpaper.
=====
This Scotch egg is bullshit. I've been sitting on it for days, and it still hasn't hatched into a drink.
=====
I've just had a shit that was that big it touched the water before breaking off.
Pretty impressive from the middle diving board.
=====
In an attempt to stave off another world recession, the Greek government have been offered an international rescue package.
If they buy Tracy Island and one pack of figures, they can have Thunderbird Two at half price.
=====
What does Mr T stand for?
Maybe he just doesn't want to sit down.
=====
My 8 year old son said to me, "Dad, you're drunk aren't you?"
"Don't be silly," I said "Why do you think that?"
"Because your making me drive home again."
=====
I've just been competing in the World Disfigured Manhood Championships.
I won the no bell piece prize.
=====
I have sympathy for those people who suffered through Bloody Sunday...........and other countless U2 songs.
=====
My wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.
Running in, I found her dead on the floor. In a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons do an all-day breakfast for £3.99.
=====
BBC News: Newlywed McCartney celebrates with gigs.
Careful, Paul, he'll be fucking her before you know it.
=====
I pulled up by a prostitute earlier and wound down the window.
"How much for anal?" I asked
"80 quid" she replied
"I'll give you 60" I said
"No it's 80 for that sir I'm afraid."
"Fine, Ill give you 80. Just make sure it's a clean strap-on."
=====
I bumped into my ex yesterday.
"Who are you fucking now then?" I sneered.
"Just my rampant rabbit," she laughed, walking away.
Bitch, we'll see who's laughing when she has twenty mouths to feed.
=====
JLS should really be given OBEs.
Then they would be jobless.
=====
Apparently my ex has been receiving anonymous death threats over the phone.
No one laughs at my tiny cock and gets away with it.
=====
My dyslexic wife takes it up the earholes.
=====
You call it lazy, I call it selective participation.
=====
"Apple founder to be cremated"
Job well done.
=====
I took a painting I found in my loft to the Antiques Roadshow. The expert inspected it and said.
"You have heard of Vincent Van Gogh, haven't you?"
"Yes I have," I said excitedly.
"He wouldn't have wiped his arse with this piece of shite."
=====
My wife came downstairs in a tight fitting yellow dress.
I said, "Oo la la"
She said, "You like it?"
I said, "No, you look like La-La"
=====
An English man, Irish man and Scottish man walk into a pub...
To watch Wales play in the Semi-finals Rugby World Cup.
=====
Does anyone know if N.W.A. actually got to fuck Sting & the rest of the band?
=====
So New York has built a 'Park in the sky' then?
Hope it works better than their 'Airport in a skyscraper' idea.