Premature Ejaculation: The Movie
Coming soon.
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As forecasts go, the one where they said there'd be snow at Christmas and peace on earth, has to be the worst ever.
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BBC News: "Max Clifford loses appeal."
From multi millionaire media kingpin to washing the shit stains off prison bogs, it's no surprise really.
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I tuned into 'Masterchef: The Professionals'.
I was a bit disappointed not to see Bodie and Doyle knocking up a couple of omelettes.
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Our 3 year old son came into the room and said, "Mother fucking twat dribble flaps shitting cock wank spunk punk dildo shafter"
"Where the hell has he learnt that?"
"I trod on a plug".
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'Cannibal' eats woman and then dies after being Tasered in Welsh homeless hostel.
The latest Silence of the Lambs sequel sounds terrible.
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"I have reason to believe you've been kerb crawling Sir. I've followed you along this road at twenty miles an hour and you've stopped five times."
"Just get off my bus."
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Science Magazine: Many exhibitions of the future will only feature digital images displayed on plasma screens, in futuristic galleries.
I'm going to miss the art formally known as prints.
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"Mum, Dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."
"That's excellent news son, it's good to see you trying to stand on your own two feet."
"Your luggage is outside,"
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BBC News: New York City Pastor James David Manning described Starbuck's coffee as being made with "the semen of sodomites."
Must be a new improved brand.
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I hate the fact that I smoke so much that if I had a time machine I'd go back in history and assassinate Sir Walter Raleigh.
I suppose I'd have to give up eating chips as well, but it would be worth it.
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I reckon that Tim Burton should just make a movie called "Johnny Depp"
As a plot twist though, Johnny Depp is played by Helena Bonham Carter.
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The rats in the canteen at work are getting worse.
I'm going to stop buying them.
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I was reading an article in The 'Independent' newspaper, apparently DNA evidence proves that early humans survived the last Ice Age. Strange,
Um, aren't we were proof of that?
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I knew I was getting old when I realised all the ladies in my porn collection had pubic hair.
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10 years in pursuit and the Rosetta probe lands safely on a speeding comet. Meanwhile Malaysian airways are still struggling to land safely on Earth
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How do you setup Joey Essex with a small business?
Give him a big business and wait.
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I've just seen the new gay advent calendar.
It only has back doors.
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BBC NEws: FIFA have found no evidence of corruption in awarding the World Cup to Qatar.
In other news all the pedophiles rounded up in operation Yewtree have been released from prison after an investigation headed by Rolf Harris found there was no case to answer.
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Sex education classes in school seem to be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
When my children were small I let out a little fart, every time they hugged me.
It made them think they were superhuman.
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Kim Kardashian's huge overrated ass is all over the Internet today.
But enough about Kanye.
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My wgirlfriend left me today, after I admitted picking up a bird at the park.
Now I'm single and have no idea how to care for a sick Starling.
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Language barrier, poor morale and no money - the challenges facing David Moyes at Real Sociedad.
It will just be like being back at Old Trafford then.
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I made a real effort when I went out the other night, and I ended up pulling.
Unfortunately it was my own cock as usual.
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I don't expect Children in Need to raise much this year.
After all, the main contributors have either died or been sent to prison.
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They say most women love a man in uniform.
Bullshit.
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a French maid and not onewoman spoke to me.
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BBC News: 'A review into how the Home Office handled child abuse allegations in the 1980's finds no evidence of a cover up by officials' (says an official.)
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We've been trying to come up with ideas to attract more visitors to the zoo.
Hopefully with less fatalities than we had on 'Jumanji Day'.
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My son asked me what is it like to have children.
So I interrupted him every five seconds until he cried.
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Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.
Not true really, I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub.
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My ex once bought herself three dildos.
I thought it must be one for each hole, until I saw her taping them together.
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Justin Bieber has received an award for "Best Male Artist" at the World Music Awards.
The more astute amongst us will be able to count three mistakes in that title.
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"On a scale of 1-10 how.."
"10!"
"Impatient are you?"
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On the X-Factor they mentioned that Cheryl Fenandez-Vacini had 5 No 1's.
She must have a bladder infection.
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I stripped naked for a calendar today.
"Put your clothes back on," said the shopkeeper, "You'll just have to pay the £3.99 like everybody else."
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Why did the blind man cross the road?
Because his Labrador was chasing a cat.
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"Doctor I think my blood sugar levels are dangerously high"
"What makes you think that?"
"Well every time I fart I find candyfloss in my underpants"
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I had my first acting job as an extra on EastEnders today but I was fired within a minute.
My friend told me to break a leg so I went in 2 footed on Danny Dyer.
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Cheap tart in a plastic covering that serves 4 - 600 men
That's why Peter went to Iceland.
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I see that "Do they know it's Christmas" is to be re-released for Ebola victims.
To be honest, I can't see that when you are squirting your liquefied intestines out through your arsehole, you are going to be too fussed about Christmas day.
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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.
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BBC news: "System failed my cannibal son," claims mother.
Obviously not as much as her cooking.