The worst thing about Bob Crow dying suddenly so soon after the last tube strike, is that there's thousands of angry commuters who now believe they're dark wizards.
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So Crimea has devised an independence referendum, voted, counted the votes and ratified the results ... all within 48 hours.
Makes the Scots' performance look pretty piss-poor.
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When a person is about to die, his whole life flashes before him.
Not the case with Buddhists. They hear 'Spawning in 5 4 3...'
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BBC News: Loan shark that charged 3000% interest is fighting for his life after being beaten by a gang outside his house.
Dr Johnson of Liverpool General Hospital made a statement "he has 6789% chance of living"
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What is the average maths teacher like?
Mean.
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My grandfather was a pool shark.
He died when they started using chlorine.
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My mate told me that every now and then he sees something that brings a little tear to his eye.
Last night it was his wife wearing her strap on.
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How many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, But I have to pay extra for the weird stuff.
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So, Legoland was shut down due to a bomb scare.
But if there was ever a place that's easy to rebuild.
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How do you know if a rapper has his own car, house, and money?
He made 5 albums about it.
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"Hi honey,I'm home." Said the ginger.
He then also greeted the Marmite and the apricot jam.
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was on holiday last year and someone complimented me on my alligator shoes.
At first I smiled but then I realised I was barefoot.
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Phrases that commentators won't be able to use when they know the gay footballer is playing for England.
- Oh dear, he's taken him from behind.
- The handbags are out
- Lovely tackle.
- And he slips it in nicely.
- He was climbing all over him.
- He has shot wide of the goal.
- Love his dribbling.
- Will look forward to the team bath.
- The manager is going to pull him off soon
- It's squeaky bum time.
- He's had a few nibbles at him now.
- Well, I must say, I have never seen that goal celebration before.
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I bought my young son a DVD today titled: 'Bartek the Builder.'
He wanted Bob the Builder, but the Polish version is so much cheaper.
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Why did the clown go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling funny..........And he had testicular cancer.
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I just got a tattoo of a drinking flask on MY arm.
The plumber told me that I needed to get a new Thermos tat before he could fix the boiler.
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I had my first bus driving lesson tyesterday.
I've learned how to drive straight past a crowded bus-stop when it's raining, pull out when I see a cyclist trying to pass and how to do an emergency stop when old people are trying to walk down the aisle.
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I couldn't believe it when I looked through the dictionary.
It turns out chicken comes first.
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I've reset my "life goals" to things I've already accomplished.
So everyday I"m overachieving.
It's all about perspective.
I nearly had a 69 with my new German girlfriend last night.
I wanted sechs and she said nein.
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"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life." my boss told me.
"Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009." I informed him.
"Really?"
"No."
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Just played Paralympic Cluedo.
It's the same answer every time though:
The Sprinter
With the firearm
In the bathroom
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If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics, then we have nothing to worry about.
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BBC Sports news: "Schumacher showing signs of recovery"
Apparently, while being transported to another room he tried to ram the bed in front out of the way.
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For all those who are sad that Crufts is over, don't worry.
Paracrufts starts in 2 weeks.
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Last weekend, North Korea held elections.
Kim Jong Un was re-elected with 100% of the vote.
Kim Jong Un credits his win to the slogan: Vote for me or you will be murdered.
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Apparently, sex is better with someone you love.
Pity I hated my priest.
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I've invented a new cocktail called Flight 370.
It gets you really high and then you find your self all fucked up in the middle of nowhere.
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A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.
I reckon if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't be whining on Facebook.
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"I can't come in to work," I told my boss over the phone, "I've had a horse riding accident."
"You don't ride a horse." he said.
"OK, I caught my fingers between two coconut shells."
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A 24 hour cable channel has been set up in South Africa that covers the Oscar Pistorius trial.
Why? What the fuck are the people of South Africa doing between midnight and 4 in the morning?
Not going for a piss, that's for sure.
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Climbing Mount Everest is the hardest thing I've ever done on my CV.
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I ordered from one of those pizza delivery services that give you half price if they're five minutes late.
He arrived five minutes early and charged me double.
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I for one am overjoyed that gay people can now get married.
Maybe they'll feel they don't have to hold those cringeworthy "Gay Rights" parades any more.
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Maybe someone should start a Facebook page to find that missing plane.
If a million likes can cure cancer, I'm sure they could locate a passenger jet.
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There's so many Polish people living in my neighbourhood that I'm thinking of opening a shop that just sells stonewash denim and puffa jackets.
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I recently read a book about a guy who travelled through India for 6 months.
It was written so well, that I got diarrhea while reading it.
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yesterday, I had one of those days where I sit in a dark room and just cry and wank myself into oblivion.
And that's why I got thrown out of the photography club.
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Bob Crow was worried that robots would replace him and this inspired him to lead the union.
Ironically his wife has now bought a vibrator.