My missus once baked a cake so dark and rich that one of the Kardashians wanted to marry it.
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And Judas approached the rabbis and pharisees saying " The one whom I kiss is the one you seek"
to which they responded "Gay."
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This really vain girl I know went missing and there are photos of her face everywhere.
It's what she'd have wanted.
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Since I put up a big sticker in my window saying "All my neighbours are bastards", none of them have spoken to me and they blank me in the street.
Just goes to prove I'm right.
Bastards.
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I can't believe all these years I had no idea my Uncle was a tree surgeon.
Although quite why he needed to be escorted from a family gathering by police officers concerning an operation on a Yew tree is beyond me.
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Definition of Irony: Obama meets with Chinese to put a stop to Cyber Attacks on USA.
While claiming HIS Cyber Attacks on private citizens is necessary.
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The Hulk just texted me a picture of corgette.
I think.
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Britains got talent winner 2012: a dog
Britains got talent winner 2013: Hungarians
Conclusion: Britains got shit talent.
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BBC News: The government are monitoring peoples internet use.
With that in mind.
Hello GCHQ weekend team. Guess who's knobbing your wife this afternoon while your in work?
Fuckers.
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The wife refuses to give me titty wanks these days, says she cant be fucked cleaning the skid marks of her stomach.
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I met someone just like me the other day, I was so happy.
Until I realised I hated myself.
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I've just won on a National Lottery scratch card.
A dirty weekend of sex with Katie Price.
I was really chuffed.
Until I noticed that it was 10th prize (5,000 winners).
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I thought I'd try Facebook's new pay-to-message service and spent £10 to send Piers Morgan a message.
It worked out at £2.50 a letter, but was worth it.
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Bouncy castles are lots of fun.
But were a fucker to defend in medieval times.
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Some twat at the traffic lights was clearly looking for a race.
Sure enough, the lights went green, and he disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
I love my flamethrower.
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My neighbour caught me watching her sunbathing which was quite embarrassing.
Although it wasn't as embarrassing as having to climb down from her tree as all her family looked on.
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Turns out I've got disco fever.
It just flared up.
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Continuing the war on terrorism, the Americans have just confirmed that they stormed Battersea dogs home and killed 200 Afghans.
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"Tell me exactly what you're going to do to me", she whispered. "Be honest and graphic, it really turns me on..."
"errm, ok" I stammered, "I'm going to tear your clothes off, throw you on that bed..."
"Yes, yes!!" she gasped. "And then?"
"...then disappoint you like you've never been disappointed before."
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I went hunting today and shot a rabbit. Got it between the eyes on my first attempt.
I'm glad my neighbour kept him in a hutch, it made it a lot easier.
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Microsoft have announced that the XBoxOne will cost £429.
Sony have said the PS4 cost £349.
This news has made made my decision a whole lot easier.
I can't afford either of them.
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Me and my girlfriend were sitting relaxed, having a chat when I accidently shit myself.
I'd hoped she wouldn't notice, but then it floated to the top of the bath.
I went back to this girl's house last night and dropped my trousers.
"Wow... that's really tidy!" she said.
I was pretty chuffed, until I noticed the packet of Tunes on her bedside table.
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"Why the fuck do you have to have your cunt on show every time a picture is taken?" I asked
"Thank you for your email. He is the leader of the Conservative party and the country, and as such he needs to be in the pictures" Came the reply.
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I remember when I knocked out the school bully, I thought I'd be an instant hero, but apparently it was 'Appalling behaviour' for a parent.
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"I couldn't count to ten until I was twenty."
"How did you know you were twenty then?"
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Thinking about starting a career in rap music and calling myself "Feat.", so then I can claim royalties on nearly every shitty rap song made in the last 20 years.
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There are 2 important things to know about using the internet.
1) Don't share everything.
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My mate hates it when I introduce him as a "pedo"
I'll be fucked if I'm gonna try pronouncing paediatrician though.
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Last night, I got blow jobs at 11:30 PM, 11:42 PM, 12:01 AM, 12:28 AM and 12:41 AM, when I finally decided to give it a rest and go to sleep.
My sex life improved considerably after my wife got diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
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"Can we have sex now?" I asked my wife.
"No!" she replied.
"But you said that your period is over," I reminded her.
"Could you please get out of the school, I'm teaching!" She screamed.
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When people stop my mate for directions he likes to respond with an Indian accent.
It's hilarious.
He's actually from Bangladesh.
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So, if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God.
Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
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The weather in Britain hit the 90's last weekend, except the area immediately around Anfield in Liverpool which was stuck in the 70's and 80's.
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The guy who invented applause must have looked like an idiot when he first tried it out.
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'I think that weird guy sat on his own is listening to our conversation.'
I overheard on the train.
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What's the difference between plunging a sink and giving a hand job?
Answers on a postcard to my girlfriend.
Please.
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Retro. Adjective
Definition: Something just sufficiently old enough that you had forgotten how shit it was the first time around.
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I'm not saying my mate is fat, but every time I tag him on my Facebook posts I have to use the 'check-in' button.
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If it wasn't for Alzheimers I wouldn't be where I am today.
Lost.
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"You don't need computers," my motivational instructor said. "Your brain can store 2.5 Petabytes of data."
"Interesting..." I thought.
I didn't hear the rest of the speech, as I was too busy downloading midget porn to my head.
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There are so many compare insurance company sites to choose from these days.
Does anyone know a good compare the insurance comparison sites site?
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"Why's the dog constantly licking his balls?" Asked my wife.
"No Idea. They taste fucking horrible."
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If I had a pound for every time I've been accused of bestiality.
I'd be in my element.
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BBC News: Toronto police search for a 28 y.o. woman accused of kidnapping and robbing 42 y.o. man.
I can't wait to hear how it's all his fault.
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There are so many fatherless families in Liverpool, research this week reveals, that some parts of the city are virtual 'Men Deserts'.
Which means some parts of the penal system must be virtual 'Scouse Oceans'.
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I hate religious extremists.
Except Buddhist extremists, they're fucking lovely.
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The NSA Director walks into a bar.
Bartender: I've got a new joke for you.
NSA Director: Heard it.
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How do you satisfy a feminist?
By telling her that you can't.
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The first rule of Australian Rules Football,
Is incomprehensible, but seems to contain a lot of swearing.
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My son asked me to check his English homework for mistakes last night.
The spelling and grammar were so bad, when I scrunched it up and threw it at the dog even he didn't want to eat it.
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It's my mums birthday tomorrow, so I made her a personalised card on moonpig.
"Happy birthday, Sorry for destroying your vagina 49 years ago."