If anyone's interested, I have Michael J. Fox's autograph for sale.
It's either that, or it's a picture of the New York skyline.
=====
Suspected war criminals 'able to stay in UK'
"In fairness, Tony Blair was PM, we could hardly kick him out," a spokesman said.
=====
From now on, Staines upon Thames and should now bne known as Staines in Thames.
=====
Living on a floodplain and wondering why you've been flooded is like living on a volcano and thinking "What's that red stuff?"
=====
Just bought one of those 'Dine In For Two' Valentines meal deals at Marks & Spencer.
2 Starters, Mains, Side dishes, A bottle of wine & a box of chocolates all for just £20.
Can't fucking wait.
I haven't got a girlfriend, I'm just a fat.
=====
What do you call a man from Datchet?
Bob.
=====
I knocked on my neighbour's door today.
I said, "I'm sorry, but I just hit your dog."
"Oh my god," she whimpered. "Is he dead?"
"Oh no!, I didn't punch it that hard."
=====
I brilliant dream the other night that I asked Piers Morgan if he'd like to double up on the tennis court.
He said he would, so I kicked him in the bollocks.
=====
Valentines Day is a lot like Christmas in my house.
A massive build up, only to wake up to fuck all.
=====
I'd like to think that in a parallel universe there's a baby viciously mauling a pit bull terrier to death.
=====
My blind date was going well, as the conversation had drifted towards sex. "So, do you like anal?" I asked, taking a bit of a risk.
"Yes, I do." he said.
=====
I went to see the doctor about my violent temper and he prescribed some tablets.
I spent 2 hours trying to get the cap off before I finally gave in and smashed the house up.
=====
Alex Salmond has said that if Scotland gains independence from the rest of the UK he will hold a referendum on whether to impose tighter border controls to prevent non-English speaking immigrants entering Scotland.
The choices on the ballot paper will be: 'Aye', and: 'Gonnae no dae that'.
=====
It rained for 40 days and 40 nights in the bible and the floods wiped out the planet.
It's now rained for 38 days straight.
Anyone else starting to shit themselves?
=====
My date was super impressed when I told her I experimented with string theory in my spare time.
I can't wait to show her my latest shoelace designs!
=====
I was using my girlfriends laptop the other day when she walked in, so i closed it down quickly.
'What were you looking at'? she said.
'Flights' I said.
With that she gave me the best blow job ever.
I didn't even know she liked darts.
=====
As a masseuse, I have gotten 3 black eyes, 2 broken noses, and 7 bloody lips.
All because I tell women to, "calm down, and relax" before I begin.
My new years resolution is to not be late.
=====
A friend came over one day, visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his third cousin.
I told him, "If it upsets you that much, quit counting them."
=====
The floods are getting worse by the week.
Today, a rescue boat was held hostage by Somali pirates.
=====
I've just arrived at the camouflage club and I can see we have a big turnout.
Which is really disappointing.
=====
"An Englishman's home is his Castle"
Well, they are now, half of them have got fucking moats
=====
I watched the final episode of Benefits Street last night, where that guy Fungi got the all-clear from his doctor after finding a lump in his chest.
He must have been so relieved to find out it wasn't an ounce of pride.
=====
The Guardian: "Further storms to batter the UK"
The Sun : "Worst storms to hit the UK since 1700"
Daily Star: "Help We Are Drowning"
Daily Mail: "Duchess Kate sparkles in blue gown"
=====
The 25th anniversary memorial service for the Hillsborough disaster will take place at Anfield in April.
As a mark of respect, fans are being encouraged to arrive late and pissed up.
Tickets are optional.
=====
I've been fishing for nearly six hours now and I've caught nothing.
Time to shut my bedroom window and call it a day I think.
=====
It's no wonder David Cameron doesn't want Scotland to leave the United Kingdom.
At this rate Scotland will be the only place above the flood line.
=====
BBC News: Suspected war criminals 'able to stay in UK'
"In fairness, Tony Blair was PM, we could hardly kick him out," a spokesman said.
=====
It's been found that anti-mosquito sprays cause hallucinations.
I didn't believe it at first until a mosquito told me about it.
=====
"Where are you going?" asked my wife this morning as I put my coat on.
"I'm off out to take Ben for a stroll around town in his buggy." I replied.
"Just let him walk." she said, "He looks absolutely ridiculous sitting in that thing."
"Ridiculous?" I said, "He's only three."
She said, "I know, but he's a fucking Rottweiler."
=====
Apparently, George Michael's country manor house on the Thames has been damaged as water poured in after breaching the garden walls.
I'd imagine that it's not the first time he's had liquid forced through his back door.
=====
I saw a Great Dane tied to a cycle stand outside Asda today so I phoned the RSPCA.
What kind of sick person rides their dog to go shopping?
=====
I arrived on my holiday today and I went out on to a nudist beach.
I didn't really want to, but my luggage was still at Heathrow.
=====
So, Manchester United made 81 crosses against Fulham.
Wayne Rooney hasn't seen that amount of crosses since his GCSE maths exam.
=====
I went to the doctor's asking if he could do anything about my schizophrenia.
"It's dangerous to self-diagnose, Mr. Adams," he said. "What makes you think you are suffering from schizophrenia?"
"Because God has been talking to me," I replied, "and I'm an Atheist."
=====
There's a new craze going round among teenagers in which they down a pint while doing something really stupid.
What's new about that? That's my Friday nights.
=====
"Hello is that the Police? I'd like to report my bike being stolen in the park.
"What does it look like?"
"It's big, green and full of swings."