Video killed the radio star.
So radio killed a nurse.
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Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier if my wardrobe wasn't so FABULOUS!
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I was in town today and a guy just wouldn't stop staring at me, so I squared up to him and asked what his problem was.
He quickly backed off, so I got back on my unicycle and continued juggling.
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"Hello RSPCA"
"I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible! Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest,but that would explain the suitcase."
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Is anyone like me and hopes that any day now those Austrailian DJs will get a call from Jacintha Saldanha shouting "How's that for a fucking wind up, you c*nts!"
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Every time I go into the hairdresser they put a sheet over me.
It's uncanny.
It's almost like they know I'm immediately going to start masturbating.
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I got the chance today to ask my dad and my grandad if there was any history of incest in our family.
He said there wasn't.
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How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
One to change the bulb, the other to check the packaging for animal-based ingredients in a fucking lightbulb, you twat.
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I've just wrapped all my kids' presents in tin foil.
Which is quite handy considering they're each getting a potato.
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My favourite part of sex is right at the beginning when you lift up the tail.
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Wife: "How would you like me to go upstairs and put on a black lacy number?"
Husband: "I'd rather you didn't. I fucking hated Agadoo".
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If you're going to claim you were sexually assaulted by a dead celebrity, then surely you'd have enough self respect to claim it was by someone who was at least reasonably attractive.
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I was telling my mate about a black girl I slept with.
I said, "Her fanny was like a rare steak."
He laughed, "What, brown on the outside, pink in the middle?"
"No, it was pissing blood."
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I've always wanted to be a wit, and people who know me say I'm halfway there.
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As my girlfriend bounced on the black cock, I thought:
"I should really see a doctor about my bad circulation."
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I always like to wear white pants.
They're a great indicator for when I need a shower.
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I accidentally mixed my 'I can't believe it's not butter' with my real butter.
Now I don't know what to believe.
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It's that time of year when the awful weather comes, the dark nights draw in, the wind starts to bite. We hardly see their invisible forms huddled in doorways, hunched up and freezing looking rejected outcast and forgotten. We try to ignore them for fear of embarrassment practically running the gauntlet to get past them as quick as possible. But at this festive season I ask you to spare a thought for this discriminated section of society that is there sheltering in the lee of a door trying to keep warm, looking ill and coughing.
Fucking hell I'm glad I gave up smoking.
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"I'm never going to get a woman," moaned my mate.
"Try using shower gel." I advised him.
"You think smelling better might help me?" he asked.
"No, but it'll make your lonely wanks more enjoyable."
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I've tried going to the police station to report a hypnotherapist who abused me as a child.
But every time I ring the bell on the front desk I notice that I'm naked and run away.
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The Expendables was on t.v the other day, and the only time i could understand a word Sylvester Stallone was saying, was during the scene where he was being fuckin' strangled.
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US authorities have accepted a $1.9 billion settlement from HSBC over charges that the bank facilitated money laundering.
Way to go America, nothing says you disapprove of a company profiting from crime quite like taking a cut.
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We were raised to never judge a book by its cover.
However, if the cover barely encases the book , I think its safe to assume that book is an attention seeking slag.
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I don't think my next door neighbour watches enough porn.
She asked me to help her fix her kitchen sink.
It's been 40 minutes now and I'm still fixing the fucking thing.
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I was fingering my girlfriends pussy last night when I realised just how much I missed her.
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To punish my kids I force them to watch, 'How I Met Your Mother.'
Which is a video of her sucking me off in the car park outside the pub after closing.
I was telling the lads in the pub about all the sex I'd been having with a Thai woman.
"We've been shagging non-stop for a month," I bragged.
One lad said, "She must've had her period at some point..."
I winked and said, "We don't have that problem."
They looked disgusted and said, "Is she a ladyboy?"
"No. She's 85."
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The only good thing to come out of the x-factor is that Never Mind the Buzzcocks will never be stuck for people to have on the idenity parade.
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I lost my virginity listening to Lionel Richie.
He said, "Shhhh, don't struggle."
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Women like lots of foreplay before sex, which is great as it takes me twenty minutes to undo a bra.
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A lot of people call me Shaft.
I'm a bit of a knob.
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If I was asked to describe my ex in two words I could be complimentary and say she's 'All Pussy'.
Though if I was being honest I'd have to use the words 'terrible acne'
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Forgive and Forget?
I'm neither Jesus, nor do I have Alzheimers.
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My sister and her friend's were having a sleep over and I was having a wank while watching through the keyhole.
I must be mad.
Half naked girls in the next room and I'm knocking one out to David Frost and Loyd Grossman.
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Ravi Shankar has died.
But his name will live on much longer than his music.
As rhyming slang.
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Deaf and blind?
At least every wank will be a danger wank.
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Smartphones have managed to achieve what women have failed to for generations.
Men sit down to take a piss.
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I don't know why everyone is saying Paul McCartney doing this 'Nirvana Tribute Reunion' gig would be a bad thing, because it wouldn't.
With a bit of luck he will marry Courtney Love, take loads of smack and blow his fucking head off with a shotgun, and took his butt ugly media whore children with him.
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"Wow! Do you smell that? That smells like pizza!"
Is what I shout at parties right after I rip a huge fart so everyone takes a good, strong sniff.
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If life gives you llamas.
Make llamanade.
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I'm asking Santa for a Sodastream for Christmas, so I can make and sell Fosters lager by filling it with my piss.
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My wife said to me today "I can't stand these pretentious foody types".
Well, I was so shocked, I nearly choked on my pan fried Camembert and roe stuffed aubergine served on a bed of mango and apricot coulis with hand-hewn turrets of baby harp seal foie gras.
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Sky News: David Cameron claims he has a tantric approach to the EU.
So, that explains why it appears that he's doing nothing effective and yet we're all being deeply fucked.
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Sky TV on December 22nd - JLS Christmas.
World scheduled to end December 21st.
Fucking result.
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I reckon people would do a lot more good deeds if they were rewarded with good kama sutra rather than good karma.
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Scousers may be the butt of many jokes but I've always maintained that you always know exactly where you stand with a Scouser.
Next to your car.
Wondering where your fucking wheels have gone.
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I don't know why everyone thinks its the end of the world.
Surely you'd be tired after making a calendar for the next few thousand years.
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A guy told me if I was worried about what girls thought about my cock to try a website called Ratemypenis.
I've just spent an hour voting guys cocks out of ten and I'm honestly none the wiser.
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At school my best mate was Head Boy.
Unfortunately that was also his name in prison.
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I bought my girlfriend a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey from eBay.
By the looks of it, the previous owner really enjoyed it.
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Breaking News: North Korea has just launched it's Weather-Satellite rocket.
Today's forecast is for rain , bearing fragments of a Weather-Satellite, and mushroom clouds.
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All cats are actually left-handed.
That's why you rarely see them using scissors.
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Trying to watch the football last week, my girlfriend was going on as usual about nothing. Despite ignoring her she nudged me hard in the side.
'So, which of my friends is your favourite?' she enquired.
Thinking about them I decided to go for her ugliest, fattest friend to try and win some brownie points.
Anyway.... guess who I'm now having a threesome with tonight.
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X-Factor winner James Arthur used to be an alcoholic down-and-out, and now he's writing songs for One Direction.
Proof that, no matter what your lot in life is, you can always stoop a bit lower.
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I've just had to buy ten new pets.
I ran out of passwords.
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I fucking hate this cold weather. Having to wear thermal underwear, long-johns, heavy trousers, a big padded coat and wooly mittens just to go to the park.
By the time I've got my cock out, she's miles past the bush I'm in.
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Dear Santa,
I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty ... and it was worth it.
You fat judgemental bastard.
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I'll always remember my dad telling me, "Son. Only ever gamble what you don't mind losing."
It was the last thing he said to me before handing me over to my new "dad".
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I phoned up 999 earlier today, I was crying down the phone "please please can you send someone around quick! Jimmy Savile has had his hand on my willy and a finger up my bum"
The police operator said "That's ridiculous don't be so stupid, stop telling such outrageous lies and wasting police time"
"That's exactly what you said to me when I called 25 years ago you useless wankers"