"Help! Is that the police?"
"Yes, Sir. This is the police."
"Help! We're in the hands of a gang of ruthless criminals intent on utterly destroying us. They know no mercy and they've been torturing us for a long time now. We can't hold out much longer!"
"Keep calm, Sir. What is your current location and how many of you are involved?"
"We're in the UK and there are 62.74 million of us."
=====
"He looks just like his grandfather," is a typically cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world.
In Alabama, it's more of an accusation.
=====
Aldi.
Where you can buy food cheaper than the carrier bags
=====
I've just been put on an intensive course of antibiotics:
One pre-cooked supermarket chicken a week.
=====
During his trial, Michael Le Vell has said "I'm a drunk, not a rapist."
I don't know enough about the case to say whether he's guilty or not, but I do have to point one thing out.
The two concepts aren't mutually exclusive.
=====
Sitting on my hand for twenty minutes didn't really help last night.
after that, I couldn't get the DVD in the machine.
=====
A man was chatting up ta girl in the pub last night.
"I'm known round here as the Elephant man," He said.
"The Elephant man? But you're not ugly" she said with a wink.
"I know, but it's because I''ve got a cock like a babies arm."
"Oh gosh, really?" she said, raising her eyebrows and grinning.
"Yep, It's got four fingers and a thumb on the end."
=====
A statue of Andy Murray has been vandalised.
He's now smiling.
=====
I was cuddling my girlfriend last night when she farted.
Well, I say farted, I think the valve's leaking.
=====
Broke into Clarks and tied all the laces together on womens shoes.
Bitches be trippin.
=====
I call my penis 'Life'.
It's too short.
=====
Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?
Osmoses.
=====
I used to think that revenge was a dish best served cold.
But today I learned it means getting back at somebody.
=====
How many jellyfish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, jellyfish are bioluminescent and don't need light bulbs.
=====
After spending yet another night on the internet, looking at pictures of meat-free ready meals, I had to face it - I was addicted to online quorn.
=====
As the hearse came to a stop outside the church, my daughter turned to me with tears rolling down her face, and said "You've completely ruined my wedding day."
=====
"You put your left foot in, your left foot out, in out, in out, you shake it all about"..
And that's how you have sex with Jordan.
=====
"I think" said the sweet potato, "therefore I yam"
=====
In an attempt to kill two birds with one stone David Cameron has announced that the RAF will commence dropping Badgers on Syria from tomorrow.
=====
English literature GCSE multiple choice exam:
Q1: "To be or not..."
1: A
2: B
3: C
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Lucozade and Ribena sold for £1.35bn.
The manager of WHSmiths at Banbury Services, M40 junction 11 has declined to comment.
=====
You know you're getting too old for the job's market when you forward a CV to a company, and they send you a free Parker Pen just for applying.
=====
There are two i's in narcissist and they fucking hate each other.
=====
What's the difference between a naturally occurring, unrefined petroleum product composed of hydrocarbon deposits, and weapons?
Answers on a postcard to:
Mr B Obama,
The Whitehouse,
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW,
Washington DC.
People are saying that Gabriel Agbonlahor should be punished for injuring a One Direction singer during a charity match..
I think he should be knighted for at least waiting until the match started.
=====
If you open Internet Explorer and listen carefully, you can hear the computer whisper "Kill me."
=====
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
=====
The Korean flag is essentially the Pepsi logo with cars parked around it.
=====
My wife accused me of ignoring her this morning.
Or was it yesterday.
=====
If you watch a Bukkake movie backwards, it's about several helpful guys hoovering the face of a girl with a heavy cold.
=====
Whenever I strip off in front of a woman they always pass comment that I look like a rake.
It's not that I'm skinny I just can't be arsed with trimming my toe nails.
=====
I think that it's quite fitting that Danny Dyer's intials are DD, considering he's a massive tit.
=====
Talk about double standards!
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer she's "hot" and "sexy"..
When I do it apparently I'm "drunk" and "banned from B&Q".
=====
My new life ambition: To take a Slinky to a Mayan temple.
=====
I just got a note through the door... "I love you. You know who."
That's all I need.
Voldemort in love with me.
=====
I was always curious about what it would be like to suck a cock, so last week I actually gave it a go.
It was surprisingly ok, but the best thing is that my dog will never tell anyone.
=====
My wife wrote a car off today.
She is a fucking brilliant accountant.
=====
So, a pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
That's one upside to being a policeman.
=====
I was moved to see the two bright beams of light, commemorating the 9/11 attacks, shooting into the sky from 'Ground Zero' in New York. It really got me thinking.
Like how cool it would be if the light attracted 'Mothra', and he came and finished the job.
=====
When my new girlfriend told me that she used to be a man called Terry, I just smiled and said, "That's great."
Come on now, does she really expect me to believe in all that reincarnation crap?
=====
They say the more expensive a man's car, the smaller his penis.
This reason alone makes me the proud owner of a buicycle.
=====
BBC News: Michael Barrymore launches his own clothing line.
I wonder if he's doing swimwear.
=====
Just played the new FIFA 14 demo! It's real good..
When playing manager mode, if you pick Manchester United you can actually set a budget on how much to pay the referees!
=====
My health-nut girlfriend persuaded me to have a black coffee enema today, after bleating on about how good I'd feel afterwards.
I don't think I'll be having another.
Or if I do, I'll be using a smaller flask.
=====
You know your tattoo artist is dumb when he spells the Superman logo wrong.
=====
All underwear is edible if you're man enough.
=====
I bought a book on eBay called "How to scam on eBay"
That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet?
=====
Ray Dolby has died aged 80.
To mark his passing, at 3:00 p.m on Sunday people will observe a minute's noise reduction.
=====
I wandered lonely as a crowd.
Just as well Wordsworth wasn't Chinese.
=====
So, Northern Ireland have risen 23 places in the world rankings after being defeated by Luxemboug.
That's like Vanessa Feltz dropping 3 stone after a week trapped in Greggs.
=====
Our new foreign colleague turned to me and said, "Does you think me had English good speech?"
"Well, you're going to need some practise to make it here in the UK." I said. "Which part of America are you from?"