What's black, plastic and found in the bread bin?
Terry Pratchett's tv remote.
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My mate told me that his arm shakes so much from Parkinson's Disease that scrubbing the bathroom tiles is a doddle.
Which is handy, I been round his and there's piss everywhere.
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Clive: "Let's form a band!"
Ulrika: "How will we chose our name?"
Nigel: "We could choose it like ABBA did?"
Tracey: "Bad idea"
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Wind in the Willows rejected script:
Rat: Let's have nicknames! I'll be the Ratster!
Toad: I'll be the Toadster!
Mole: I'll be the Molester!....No, Moley, I'll be Moley.
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We've just had an unexpected delivery to our house, four thousand bananas.
Tonight, we eat like Kongs.
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My personal trainer concentrated on arms yesterday.
Fuck knows what I'm supposed to do with these AK-47 assault rifles.
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At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
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"Have you ever read Joseph Heller's Catch 22?"
"No. I only ever read books that I have already read".
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The parents of the 3 Muslim schoolgirls who fled to Syria to join the Islamic State are to appear before MP's.
No doubt there'll be questions like "Isn't it about time your lot stopped raping kids and living in the 7th century?"
Then the politicians will ask something.
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You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
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I remember once I called my teacher 'Mum' and she laughed "I'm not your mum" in front of the whole class.
I hated Home School.
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7 things you didn't know about me:
1. I rarely finish anything I start.
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BBC News: By law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.
"Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
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A message from an L.A golf course:
Harrison Ford, repair your fucking divot.
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I'm not saying my nan chews slowly, but by the time she swallows her grapes, it's wine.
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If someone tells me not to tell a soul.
Can I tell a ginger?
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My girlfriend asked me if I'd ever had my toe sucked.
"Just once," I said. "Nice woman. Fucking awful chiropodist."
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How do American chickens cross the road?
In a bucket.
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BBC News:Nigel Farage says he would scrap many race laws.
Sweet! Formula One could become interesting again.
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For a second I thought I'd found the entrance to a mosque for one-legged Muslims.
Turns out it was just Clarks.
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I'd be great as a Feminism Activist.
If it wasn't for my Tourette's.
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I must be getting older.
Lately, all I'm looking for is a one-night sit.
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Pharrell Williams has countersued the Gaye family after today's ruling on his song Blurred Lines.
Apparently, when asked how they felt about the judgement, they all said they were "happy."
I learned two very important lessons yesterday.
I can't remember the first lesson, but the second one is that I have to start writing things down.
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Apparently there's a law that prevents you from drinking and driving.
Which is why I've been working so hard to get my pilot's licence.
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I met Obi-Wan Kenobi's older brother once.
Obi-Tu Kenobi.
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I met a girl online who changed my life completely.
She was an undercover detective, and now I'm banged up.
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I was sitting in the Doctor's surgery when a beautiful young couple came in giggling, holding hands and very much in love.
"I wish I had what you have," I said, with a smile.
"You have," said the Sexual Health Doctor, with my test result
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I'm in therapy now.
I used to be in denial, which in all honesty, is a lot cheaper.
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A catastrophic crash killing some french people in Argentina.
Jeremy Clarkson suspended.
Coincidence?
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My driving instructor went mental when I hit 180 going down the motorway the wrong way.
"Just take the fucking dart board off the dash and concentrate on the road before you get us both killed!" He screamed.
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"Whose knickers are these?" Screamed my girlfriend.
"Fuck off! You're giving me a wedgie."
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Sometimes when I'm bored I like to find couples in supermarkets, and when they're not looking drop a bottle of anal lube in their trolley.
The resulting arguments are priceless.
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Apparently Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months.
I better wash my socks.
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I couldn't believe my luck earlier, just walking on my way to work I looked across the street and saw some of the cast from The Lord of the Rings! I rushed over to try and get one of their autographs but they just ignored me.
That's when I realised they were just trees.
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I was in a nightclub last night flirting with a really attractive woman.
Things where going great, until we got back to hers and she cooked my sock.
Turns out she's dyslexic.
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I was in the pub telling my mates a joke about how you should throw your washing in when someone with epilepsy has a fit in a bath.
After the joke they were are in stitches and I had a tap on the shoulder.
I turned round and it was a man, who said "That's not funny that, my son died in a bath and he had epilepsy"
I was shocked and pretty embarassed and said "Mate, I am so sorry to hear that he drowned."
"No." He croaked."He choked on a sock."
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"Depictions of God are kind of like snowflakes."
"Why, they're all unique?"
"No, every single one of them is white."
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Did you know.
If your girlfriend watches Eastenders whilst painting her toe nails, she's not really enjoying the sex.
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2 dogs are in a bar.
Dog 1: "I heard a great joke today"
Dog 2: "Yeah?"
Dog 1: "knock knock."
Dog 2 goes fucking mental
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BBC News: 83 percent of the lights are out in Syria.
Which begs thge question.
How many Syrians does it take to change a lightbulb?
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I've got three kids, ten, eight and five.
Weird names, but they're good kids.
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Cristiano Ronaldo being gored to death by a unicorn.
Now that's Fantasy Football.
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I could tell my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
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Every level crossing I've ever driven over has been quiet bumpy.
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I received an accidental text last month, it said: "Hi, be home soon, love ya, Dave xxx"
Being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have a bit of fun so I texted him back: "Don't bother, I don't love you, you're a twat & I've been shagging your brother
I couldn't wait for the reply, then it came: "You ok mum?"
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"Good afternoon. Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"