What's the difference between terrorism and democracy?
Whether the United States is attacking or being attacked.
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Brazilian fans throwing stones at the ITV studio!?
No Adrian, it was England fans, and you were the target.
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Friend: How did you sprain your wrist?
Me: Playing air drums.
Wife: How come only on one wrist?
Me: It was Def Leppard.
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I heard that Rik Mayall had died, so I decided to check for myself.
I spent an hour Googling "Young Ones" and "Bottom", and have been asked to attend my local police station for questioning.
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Aldi needs a separate checkout for people who have their shit together.
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Headline:'David Beckham:Into The Unknown'
Sounds to me like Brooklyn's began asking for help with his secondary school maths homework.
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I find that a cup of tea and a wank is normally the answer.
That's why I failed all my exams.
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I wonder if the Met Ppolice would have to arrest themselves if any riot should break out during a hosepipe ban.
Worth a try?
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I think these allegations about Qatar 2022 are a little far fetched.
Fingers crossed Antarctica 2026 doesn't face the same rumours.
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Sepp Blatter silenced all his critics today.
By bribing them.
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I find it hard to let certain school traditions go.
Like, every time I see a brick in a river I have to dive in and retrieve it while wearing pyjamas.
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Oh! So it fine for a dog to be "mans best friend" but as soon as it becomes a friend with benefits apparently that's "wrong" and "illegal"
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Why did Magneto stop wearing his purple costume?
Because the days of fuchsia passed.
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BBC NEWS: UKIP to target Tory seats at the next general election.
Especially Eric Pickles' because it's fucking massive.
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When my mates wife caught him giving his best mate a blow job, she kicked him out of the house.
So he went to shack up with him.
He tells me that the only trouble with that is, it smells a bit in that kennel.
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In celebration of the World Cup, the wife has had a Brazilian.
Diego, I think his name was.
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Sorting.
A frequent complaint in a Jamaican hospital.
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And there's me thinking Frank Butcher was dead.
Then I saw him last night at the World Cup Opening Ceremony in a Brazil shirt singing with J-Lo
I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat.
They want their meat to be killed the American way.
Though, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school?
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Can't believe Brazil named a beach after a Barry Manilow song.
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Obama: 'All options open on Iraq.'
Translation: 'Use any weapons you like.'
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Rik Mayall has died only a few days after returning from filming in Portugal.
Lucky he died over here.
If he'd died in Portugal they'd never have found him.
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Adrian Chiles says he has never heard a whole nation sigh, which is ironic as it happens every time he opens his fat Brummy mouth.
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I was in a nightclub and a Scouser came up to me and said, "Do you like avocado?"
"No, sorry love, I don't drive."
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So, Justin Bieber has changed his name on Instagram to "Bizzle" in order to up his "street cred".
Why can't he just up his street cred, like rappers do, and get shot?
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Just think.
There's a generation of people who think that Vinnie Jones is just a shit actor.
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I've just found the perfect recipe for beef and ale pie.
1. Drink all the ale.
2. Realise you can't be arsed cooking any more.
3. Phone for a pizza.
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When I was young, at bedtimes my mum always used to tell me a fairy story with a happy ending.
One of the benefits of having a mum from Thailand I suppose'
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I run a charity called 'Help the undead'.
We've raised thousands so far.
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Whoever decided that a bouncy castle and inflatable boxing gloves were suitable entertainment, at a 5-year-old's Birthday party, is mental.
Literally every child is crying, even the girls who didn't want to fight.
On the bright side, it's been a good workout for me and I'm undefeated in 12.
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The first step of divorce is her throwing all your stuff in the street, and ends when the judge says you have to give it all back to her.
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American: "If it wasn't for us, you'd be listening to Bach, Beethoven and Brahms all fucking day."
Englishman: "Thanks a lot! Instead we're listening to Justin Bieber, Miley Cirus and Katy Perry all fucking day and our National Average IQ is 50
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I decided to open an exclusive hotel and casino for people who have epilepsy.
It's going to be called Seizure's Palace.
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Sky Sports News: Baby panda in China to predict outcome of World Cup games.
Prediction #1: "None of the stadiums will be ready."
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The scouts won't let homosexuals be troop leaders.
What's up with that? From what I remember as a child, they'd no fucking problem letting paedos do the job.
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We were enjoying a day at the beach when I handed her a warm can of coke:
"What the fuck is this?" She moaned, "I told you to put them in the cool bag."
"I did. Look. It's a Louis Vuitton."
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The World Cup is a lot like my sex life.
Once every 4 years and largely disappointing.
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If a Brazilian woman goes for a bikini wax, does she ask for a local?
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I've been thinking about anagrams for "funeral" lately.
It's real fun.