Just filmed a filthy video about how you can get a better service than O2.
It's called 2 Cups, 1 String.
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I don't understand why people are worried about getting a months' rain in one day.
I wonder if they'd prefer a months' sunshine in one day.
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I saw a woman reading 50 Shades of Grey on the train today.
"At least you don't have to lick your fingers to turn the pages" I said with a smile,
"You disgusting wanker!" she screamed and stormed off down the carriage.
Are all Kindle readers such miserable bastards?
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I walked up to a bird in the pub last night.
"Alright gorgeous" I said, "I hope you can handle a 10 inch cock."
"Oh fuck off you creep," she snarled. "My date's only nipped to the toilet."
"I know, I've just been stood at the urinal next to him."
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I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.
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I finally got something on the National Health Lottery.
MRSA.
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"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.
"Just pop it in the corner," he said.
3 fucking hours it took me.
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If what they say is true, my huge carbon footprint means I have a huge carbon penis.
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As I gazed into the tea leaves at the bottom of my cup, I saw what the future held.
Stronger fucking teabags.
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it's health benefits.
The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make my the woman I took home look more appealling.
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Andy Murray's speech after the men's final put a lump in my throat.
It's my own fault for eating and laughing at the same time.
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Birth Control Pills should be for men.
It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
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I poured my root beer in a square cup.
Now I have just beer.
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When the Wizard of Oz is caught behind a curtain, he's forgiven.
But when it's me suddenly I'm a fucking pervert.
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A little boy arrives home to find his mum and dad having sex on the sofa.
Dad says ''Don't worry son I'm just filling mummy with petrol.''
Son replies ''She doesn't do many miles to the gallon does she dad?, Uncle Dave only filled her up this morning and he used a bigger nozzle.''
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My ex-girlfriend's favourite sex position was behind my back.
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I watched the shittest porno the other night.
The woman actually had enough money to pay the plumber.
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Racism
One thing John Terry doesn't want to go up and take the credit for.
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I've just seen The Police at the hospital..
They were singing, 'Don't stand so colostomy'.
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My new doctor is fucking gorgeous! Long legs, blonde hair, huge chest.
I'm beginning to run out of medical confitions that are associated with my penis.
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The first time I did stand up I was heckled.
Mainly by my family that I had conned into pushing me around in a wheelchair all these years.
I recently won a domestic arm wrestling tournament in America.
Or the World Championships as they call it.
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My wife reckons I'm obsessed with sex.
Something like that anyway, I was too busy wanking over a particularly suggestive peach in next doors fruit bowl.
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A blonde woman goes to a car showroom and says, "It's about the air conditioning on this car you sold me. It isn't working."
The salesman has a look and replies, "It's working fine."
"Well it can't be," says the blonde, "I've had the car for 2 weeks and my hair has still got split ends."
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My doctor entered the room.
"I'm not quite sure how to say this" he said, in a sombre tone.
"Oh my god" I sighed.
"It's not my fault the word is so fucking long" he snapped.
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Whenever I'm in the supermarket now, and I see a woman picking up a cucumber, I give them a little wink and a smile.
Just to see how many go red and put it back.
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If John Terry, Who earns £150k a week, is found guilty, he'll get fined £2,500.
Feels a bit like putting Hitler on the naughty step.
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I hear Chumbawamba have broken up..
In their memory, I'm going to have a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a cider drink and a lager drink, and sing songs that remind me of the good times.
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Since the dawn of time man has been writing and showing pictures on their walls depicting how they lived, what the weather was like, and what food was available.
Thanks Facebook for proving some things never change.
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Doctor! Doctor! "I'm really suffering with one of those summer ailments, can you give me something for it?"
"Is it hay fever?"
"No, it's fucking trench foot."
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"The best things in life are free."
"No they're not, you scouse twat. Now get out of my shop."
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Just got my results from E-Harmony.
I got 2 perfect matches!
A computer chair and a tub of Vaseline.
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Teacher. "What's 12 squared?"
"A shit chess board."
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I just caught the ferry!
I don't know if that makes me the best or worst fisherman in the world.
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I've thought it through and through and finally decided that dwelling on my past is not appropriate and I need to look towards the future..
So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.
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Politics is just like regular ticks, only it drains you of money instead of blood.
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I bought a frozen pizza from Asda the other day and it said on the box, "Cook for between 20 and 22 minutes."
Now I'm no genius, but isn't that 21 minutes?
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I'm on the new O2 plan...
Unlimited Smoke Signals.
250 Pigeons a month.
Free messages in a bottle to other O2 customers.
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Handjobs are like pepsi.
Never your first choice but you'll take it anyway.
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Ashley Cole was asked in court if he found it a bit uncomfortable to be closely associated with an alleged racist.
"We're divorced now" he replied.
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I met this girl last night, when we got home she said:
"I'm a bit shy...I don't want to strip totally, you can see half of me naked. Choose."
"No worries" I said, "the front."
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What do you call a woman who loves small cocks?
Hopefully your girlfriend.
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Florence from Florence And The Machine has lost her voice forcing them to cancel 2 dates on their European tour.
Surely they could have found a small animal in severe pain to fill in for her?
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Driving a Prius shows women that you are socially responsible, environmentally conscious...and will be completely unable to give them an orgasm.