_
I watched the Iron Lady last night.
What a shit film!
Tony Stark isn't even in it.
=====
Dilemma............I'm running late for my speed awareness course.
=====
JOHN TERRY. Prevent lip readers from accusing you of making racist remarks by concealing your mouth in a pointy white hood.
=====
My phone kept trying to sell me useless duty free watches, perfume and Toblerone.
Turns out I had it on airplane mode.
=====
I used to go out with a deaf, dumb and blind girl.
You should have seen her on a pinball table..........Fucking useless.
=====
Romania.
For canoe enthusiasts.
=====
Premature ejaculator seeks fem...bugger.
=====
"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me".
"Take these pills, I don't know what they're for".
=====
Emile Heskey's twitter bio: "Professional footballer for Aston Villa FC. I enjoy scoring goals"
That's right Emile, and I enjoy inventing cures for cancer, building time machines and training dinosaurs.
=====
I hate Auto Correct. I just texted my Nan for Sex tonight by mistake.
I meant tomorrow.
=====
'1 out of 3 smokers die.'
So the other two are immortal?
=====
My condom split while having sex last night!
I panicked at first but then I burst out laughing after thinking how funny the puppies would look.
=====
Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook.
So Anthony, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?
"Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava,
a bottle of Blue Nun and a light bulb.
I've also got £2.74 left over".
=====
Can we have a vote on if we want Scotland part of our country?
=====
I had a very confusing time when I tried to buy a Wii in France.
=====
I was at a school reunion when one of my old friends asked me, "So what do you do now?"
"Bugger all," I replied.
"You're unemployed?!"
"Not at all. I work for Royal Mail."
=====
My sister's metric converter brings all the boys to the 91.44cm.
I watched the Iron Lady last night.
What a shit film!
Tony Stark isn't even in it.
=====
Dilemma............I'm running late for my speed awareness course.
=====
JOHN TERRY. Prevent lip readers from accusing you of making racist remarks by concealing your mouth in a pointy white hood.
=====
My phone kept trying to sell me useless duty free watches, perfume and Toblerone.
Turns out I had it on airplane mode.
=====
I used to go out with a deaf, dumb and blind girl.
You should have seen her on a pinball table..........Fucking useless.
=====
Romania.
For canoe enthusiasts.
=====
Premature ejaculator seeks fem...bugger.
=====
"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me".
"Take these pills, I don't know what they're for".
=====
Emile Heskey's twitter bio: "Professional footballer for Aston Villa FC. I enjoy scoring goals"
That's right Emile, and I enjoy inventing cures for cancer, building time machines and training dinosaurs.
=====
I hate Auto Correct. I just texted my Nan for Sex tonight by mistake.
I meant tomorrow.
=====
'1 out of 3 smokers die.'
So the other two are immortal?
=====
My condom split while having sex last night!
I panicked at first but then I burst out laughing after thinking how funny the puppies would look.
=====
Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook.
So Anthony, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?
"Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava,
a bottle of Blue Nun and a light bulb.
I've also got £2.74 left over".
=====
Can we have a vote on if we want Scotland part of our country?
=====
I had a very confusing time when I tried to buy a Wii in France.
=====
I was at a school reunion when one of my old friends asked me, "So what do you do now?"
"Bugger all," I replied.
"You're unemployed?!"
"Not at all. I work for Royal Mail."
=====
My sister's metric converter brings all the boys to the 91.44cm.
_
A man in the supermarket reminded me of Michael Jackson today.
He said, "Don't forget about Michael Jackson".
=====
The FA have issued a new directive.
Any Liverpool player passing the ball to Andy Carroll will be booked for time wasting.
=====
Met this bloke today who told me he only had 18 months to live.
Lucky bastard, the rest of us are going to die in December.
=====
My girlfriend uses my razor in places I'd rather not know about and doesn't explicitly tell me.
I'm okay with that, though, because I do the same thing with her vibrator.
=====
They say that when you cut a worm in two one end will wriggle.
Not if you cut it length ways.
=====
I phoned Moneysupermarket today and said, "I would like you to save me £400 on my car insurance like you did for the guy in your advert."
"Ok" they said, "How much is your car insurance at the moment?"
"£400."
=====
Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot.
I tie any of them, but my headphones sure fucking can.
=====
"Go on darling," I said, "in one word, tell everyone in the room what you say to me when I've got my cock near your mouth?"
"No"
=====
Anyone else noticed that Desperation is an anagram for 'A Rope Ends It'?
=====
In recent sex research 100% of men agreed to take part.
=====
BBC News: Antony Worral Thomson is accused of stealing ten bottles of wine.
The Crown Prosecution Service said he'd have to go away and nick two more bottles before they could make a case of it.
=====
'Nobody ever asked what I wanted.'
Santa's suicide note.
=====
I fucking hate these people that update their facebook status the minute they wake up!
Ah well, rant over. Suppose I'd better get up and get ready now.
=====
What do you get if you cross a pelican and a zebra?
Two streets further away.
=====
I'm feeling lazier than the bloke who designed the Japanese flag.
=====
It must have been love..........But I'm sober now.
=====
Money to me is like an iPhone.
I don't have an iPhone.
=====
I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act.
I also need a large rug, and a spade.
=====
Antony Worrall Thompson says he is getting help for his shoplifting.
Next time his brother is coming along to keep an eye on the security guard.
=====
I once tried to charge Stephen Hawking with rape.
It didn't work, so I just replaced his batteries instead.
=====
I have to say I was never a fan of Sex and the City, but after seeing War Horse I have a much better opinion of Sarah Jessica Parker.
=====
Give a man a job and you have an employee.
Teach a man how to shift blame and you have a manager.
=====
Commentator, "Thierry Henry is the only player to have a statue of himself outside a stadium".
What about the one of Nani outside Fulham's ground?
=====
As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought............."Just throw the fucking thing."
=====
Somebody should tell David Cameron that when somebody shouts "CUNT!" and "FUCK OFF!" at him, it's not always gonna be tourette's.
=====
Fun fact: The Red Hot Chilli Peppers song "Scartissue" is about the problems the singer had when he tried to connect his DVD player.
=====
"This tastes burnt!" I grimaced as I put my fork down in disgust.
"That's not burnt, it's caramelised." insisted my wife.
"It's salad."
A man in the supermarket reminded me of Michael Jackson today.
He said, "Don't forget about Michael Jackson".
=====
The FA have issued a new directive.
Any Liverpool player passing the ball to Andy Carroll will be booked for time wasting.
=====
Met this bloke today who told me he only had 18 months to live.
Lucky bastard, the rest of us are going to die in December.
=====
My girlfriend uses my razor in places I'd rather not know about and doesn't explicitly tell me.
I'm okay with that, though, because I do the same thing with her vibrator.
=====
They say that when you cut a worm in two one end will wriggle.
Not if you cut it length ways.
=====
I phoned Moneysupermarket today and said, "I would like you to save me £400 on my car insurance like you did for the guy in your advert."
"Ok" they said, "How much is your car insurance at the moment?"
"£400."
=====
Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot.
I tie any of them, but my headphones sure fucking can.
=====
"Go on darling," I said, "in one word, tell everyone in the room what you say to me when I've got my cock near your mouth?"
"No"
=====
Anyone else noticed that Desperation is an anagram for 'A Rope Ends It'?
=====
In recent sex research 100% of men agreed to take part.
=====
BBC News: Antony Worral Thomson is accused of stealing ten bottles of wine.
The Crown Prosecution Service said he'd have to go away and nick two more bottles before they could make a case of it.
=====
'Nobody ever asked what I wanted.'
Santa's suicide note.
=====
I fucking hate these people that update their facebook status the minute they wake up!
Ah well, rant over. Suppose I'd better get up and get ready now.
=====
What do you get if you cross a pelican and a zebra?
Two streets further away.
=====
I'm feeling lazier than the bloke who designed the Japanese flag.
=====
It must have been love..........But I'm sober now.
=====
Money to me is like an iPhone.
I don't have an iPhone.
=====
I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act.
I also need a large rug, and a spade.
=====
Antony Worrall Thompson says he is getting help for his shoplifting.
Next time his brother is coming along to keep an eye on the security guard.
=====
I once tried to charge Stephen Hawking with rape.
It didn't work, so I just replaced his batteries instead.
=====
I have to say I was never a fan of Sex and the City, but after seeing War Horse I have a much better opinion of Sarah Jessica Parker.
=====
Give a man a job and you have an employee.
Teach a man how to shift blame and you have a manager.
=====
Commentator, "Thierry Henry is the only player to have a statue of himself outside a stadium".
What about the one of Nani outside Fulham's ground?
=====
As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought............."Just throw the fucking thing."
=====
Somebody should tell David Cameron that when somebody shouts "CUNT!" and "FUCK OFF!" at him, it's not always gonna be tourette's.
=====
Fun fact: The Red Hot Chilli Peppers song "Scartissue" is about the problems the singer had when he tried to connect his DVD player.
=====
"This tastes burnt!" I grimaced as I put my fork down in disgust.
"That's not burnt, it's caramelised." insisted my wife.
"It's salad."