For the past twenty years, I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer.
So, I was pretty sad not to get one this year.
First my granny dies, now this?
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Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
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Pope Francis: 'not having children is selfish'.
Yes. After all the Catholic priests do for us, the least we could do in return is provide them with rape fodder.
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BBC News: It has been reported that the British Army has only 3 Military personnel operational on the ground in Afghanistan.
Or 70% of our forces due to the government cutbacks.
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It was his ex who made my mate what he am today.
Homeless.
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I bet 'Fifty Shades of Gray' won't make much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.
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What does a gastric band play?
Acid jazz.
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What's brown and hates baths?
Bobby.
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I gently rolled my wet finger around the areolas and toyed with the fully erect nipples.
I then cupped both breasts in my hands and licked and nibbled until the expectation of ejaculation intensified.
It was at this point that I thought, "I love being alone."
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I'm so ugly, I couldn't even turn a light bulb on.
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A hippy was wlking down the road and kicked a bottle.
It shattered against the wall and a gennie popped out.
"I will grant you 3 wishes for freeing me." He told the Hippy.
The hippy thought for a moment and decided that he wanted to be, uptight, Out of sight and in the groove.
So the genie turned him into a tampax.
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Our local plumber died today ' he's being buried next monday ' tuesday or maybe wednesday
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During a romantic meal, my girlfriend leaned over and whispered into my ear, "If you love it, put a ring on it".
She's going to love my new Prince Albert.
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I dialled 999 yesterday.
The devil arrived and did a headstand.
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Coughing up on Monday'
Got an aneurysm on Tuesday'
Limbs were falling off by Wednesday'
& on Thursday, Friday, Saturday'
Keeled over on Sunday.
- Plague David
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'Fifty Shades of Grey'.
The result of washing my wank sock in Aldi washing powder.
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I've been listening to my radio all night.
It's definitely off.
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I was the only bloke in a pre-screening of Fifty Shades of Grey, but I could tell it was going to be a good film.
The place was buzzing.
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My girlkriend accused me of being a fantasist last night.
So I cleaved her in twain with my Sword of Neverdor.
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This Valentine's Day, I will almost certainly be inundated.
Sorry.
In, undated.
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BBC News: Bobbi Kristina's family have said they are thinking of pulling the plug.
A week too late, if you ask me.
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It's estimated that two million schoolchildren in Britain nowadays struggle with the basics of the English language.
And that's just the chavs.
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I bullied myself when I was a kid.
But that's just life when you're a ginger.
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I was getting on well with an attractive blonde at the bar in our local golf club.
After a few drinks she told me that she was a hooker.
I advised her to keep her head down,make sure her left arm was straight and swing through the ball.
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Noel Gallagher has announced that he will be voting for a 'stupid party'
Just like the rest of us have been doing, for fucking years.
I solved a Rubik's cube with my feet, in 1 second.
I kicked it into a tub of paint.
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B&Q are gonna have a lot of impatient customers this weekend.
Specifically in the rope and tape section.
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What do homeless people read while doing a shit?
Bus timetables.
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Whats the best thing about finding out a mountain-sized asteroid will destroy the earth in 5 minutes?
Knowing for sure that Kanye West will be completely fucking obliterated.
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I saw a UFO yesterday.
So I quickly grabbed the worst camera I own to film it.
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After only giving my son two karate lessons, he said he didn't want any more.
Still, at least I got my car washed and my fence painted.
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I asked my girlfriend to marry me today.
She said yes but refused to change her name.
I wanted to call her Tracy so I didn't have to get my tattoo removed.
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Some people get to wake up feeling like a million bucks.
I get to wake up feeling like insufficient funds.
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A woman finds Aladdin magic lamp.
She started rubbing it and a Genie came out.
The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:
- I want my husband to have eyes only for me.
- I want to be the only one in his life.
- I want him to sleep always by my side.
- I want that when he gets up in the morning I am the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.
So, the Genie turned her into a Smart Phone.
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"I got laid by a really big bird a while ago."
Said Humpty-Dumpty.
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I've just been wanking over 50 shades of grey.
I fucking love Dulux colour charts.
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My mate told me that he'd been to see his doctor and was diagonised with a disease that will ruin his sex life forever."
"What?" I asked. "Gonorrhoea? Chlamydia? Aids?"
"No, I've got arthritis in both hands."
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What's the difference between ITV and Noah's Ark?
There was less shit on Noah's Ark.
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Someone nominated me on Facebook to write down 7 things that nobody knows about me.
1) I never ever take part in lame fucking Facebook fads.
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I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
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Apparently one of Lionel Richie's ex girlfriends suffered from severe schizophrenia.
I wonder if she was his inspiration for Three Times a Lady?
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Despite the Yes Campaign's failure in the election last September you can't help but admire Alex Salmond for showing us what a free and independent Scotland would look like.
As well as a toad's cum face.
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I reported my dog missing to the RSPCA,
"Is he chipped?" asked the receptionist,
"Well, he has a little piece missing out of his ear, if that counts."
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'He slowly but firmly grabs my throat. I try to say goodbye and I choke. I try to walk away and I stumble.'
~ 50 Shades of Macy Gray.
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Women, you may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad.
We feel that it's kinda manly.
It's like we're camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
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Apparently, sniffing a woman's crotch in search of drugs at airport terminals is only acceptable when a dog does it.
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I won the double roll-over and Camelot sorted it so I could meet my absolute hero!
They introduced me to Jose Mourhino and told him that I'm worth £8 million."
It wasn't what I bargained for.
I'm now on loan to Preston North End.
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"Prince Charles deep inside Jordan"
Possibly the Daily Star's most misleading headline of all time.
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The world wildlife fund asks for £3 a month to sponsor a tiger and will send you regular updates about your animal.
The BBC charge £145 year to sponsor paedophiles and don't send you a fucking thing.