I noticed two lesbians kissing in the bar and thought it would be a good chance to answer my query.
"What exactly is it about dicks that you don't like?"
"They ask stupid fucking questions."
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I bought a Manchester United sledge today.
It's amazing.
I've never gone downhill so fast before in my life.
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Kanye West has said that he will be the next Nelson Mandela,
Personally I support his desire to spend 27 years in prison.
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I had a shit this morning. It took ages to come out and when it hit the water it made a right mess and splashed my arse.
Nicknamed it 'Tom'.
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My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been married.
She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.
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Volkswagen Golf.
Why would you name a car after a sport that is slow, expensive and hard to drive.
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Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Are they taking the piss?
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What opens at 1 but closes just after 5 ?
Nelson Mandela's advent calendar.
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I bought one of those 'Greek-style' yogurts.
What a rip off.
There was nothing in the pot.
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Why did the MP cross the road?
I've no idea either, but he claimed 80 quid expenses for the journey.
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"How's your new Thai girlfriend, Dave?"
"How do you know her name?"
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I gave up organising my porn from A to Z when I realised it was just anal.
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'Three dead in four-vehicle crash'.
I bet it was the bloke trying to drive two vehicles' fault.
=====
Nothing beats waking up to a blow job.
Unless you've been in a coma, and your nurse's name is Steve.
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Adam Sandler has been named 2013's most overpaid actor according to a US business magazine.
To be fair, Adam Sandler would be overpaid if he was on minimum wage.
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"How about a blowjob?" I asked my Thai girlfriend.
"No thanks," she replied.
=====
There's no place like home.
Unless you're an immigrant.
My wife said she's leaving me because I can't do anything right when it comes to housework.
That's bang out of order, it took me hours to mop that carpet.
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David Moyes walks into a turkey farm.
"You'll be gone by Boxing Day," said a turkey.
=====
My nan called at her local MPs house and knocked on the door and he answered it.
"Can I come in?" She asked,
" Have you got a problem?" He replied,
"I'm fucking freezing, and you are the only person I know who can afford to have your heating on,"
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I took a chav girl out for a meal last night.
I suggested Coq au Van and we didn't even make it to the restaurant.
=====
My Dad left his undertaker business to me when he died;
In fact, he was my first customer.
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As celebrities across the globe pay tribute to Nelson Mandela, Justin Bieber kept his message short but sweet.
"Mandy was a great girl, I'm sure she would have been a Belieber"
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It's very rare that I hope my wife has farted.
But I'm kind of praying that smell coming from the kitchen isn't my dinner.
=====
I hate watching tv after 2am.
What is it with those people in the bottom right hand corner who think they can dance?
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Middle Eastern countries' capitals can be hard to remember.
It helps to know that whatever happens, Amman will always be inside Jordan.
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Last year, on Christmas morning my daughter said, "I saw Santa last night".
"Oh yes?" replied my wife. "Was he cheery and leave you lots of nice presents?".
"Not really" she said. "He fell down the stairs and pissed on the Christmas tree".
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Alton Towers have announced they are replacing The Oblivion ride with the Glasgow Helicopter Drop.
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They say a sign of getting old is when you start to get hairs in your nose. Worryingly I pulled one out earlier. Thankfully it was just one of my nan's pubes.
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I've got a tattoo on my wrist that says, "Never Lose Hope".
People think it's inspiring. It's not.
I'm a forgetful man with a two year old daughter called Hope.
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Well thats the last time I go into a Japanese clothes shop and ask for blue khaki.
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I've been promised some hot anal sex this Christmas.
God I hate being in prison.
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You know you're in for a crap christmas when you see your parents carrying sports direct bags up the high street.