"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church.
Horrific in a Mexican prison.
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I just managed to walk over hot coals without burning my feet.
Fucked my shoes up though.
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I'll never forget giving Noel Gallagher his first guitar.
He said to me, "What's that knob at the front for?"
"It's Liam, he's the lead singer."
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"You won't like me when I'm angry. Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."
- The Credible Hulk
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I met a girl in the bar.
"How old are you?" I asked.
"Sure, ask a more personal question why don't you!" she said sarcastically.
"Ok, do you do anal?"
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And so God created Eve from Adam's rib............Just thinking out loud.
Ever wondered what Adam was attempting to do that required the removal of a rib, and gave God the idea to make a woman?
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BBC News: 'Pope touches down in Mexico'
It seems not even disabled kids are safe from him.
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The Twilight Saga: So realistic that you feel the life being sucked from you as you watch.
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I turned round to this gorgeous blonde at the bar and whispered: "I have a Monster in my pants".
"Oh, big is it?", she flirted.
"Yeah, The Co-Op only had the 500ml cans".
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I asked a girl back to mine last night for a bit of "How's your father", if you know what I mean.
Turns out he's very well, and his allotment is thriving in this weather.
Though she didn't seem that interested in how my Father was.
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I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
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You know you're at Old Trafford, when the opposition keeper gets sent off for handball.
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I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images.
He's really let himself go, I thought.
Then I realised I'd left the "r" out.
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My new girlfriend just said, "After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"
"I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away."
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I've been asked out by a number of sexy women this week.
That number is sadly zero.
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BBC News: Theresa May is claiming the new internet snooping laws will 'help trap killers like Ian Huntley.'
Is it just me or shouldn't we be trying to catch killers who aren't in prison?
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Is James Bond known as +44 07 to everyone outside the UK?
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I've just realised that drinking is good for my health.
I'm so pissed I can't light my cigarette.
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Pronouns.
Like normal nouns, just highly trained.
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Teacher: So Johnny, where is your RE homework on the life of jesus?
Little Johnny: Well you see sir, i had done it, and it was absolutely amazing, but then it died over the weekend, it had come back to life on sunday but now it's gone and ascended up to heaven
Teacher: You expect me to believe all that crap you've just told me?
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Scotland is reported as being the worlds hot spot for U.F.O sightings.
It's also the home of Tennent's Super and Buckfast.
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George Osbourne is shocked that many multimillionaires pay virtually no tax.
That's like Ronald McDonald staring in horror at really fat people.
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My penis is a bit like Wigan Athletic.
Alot of people have laughed at it, but it always manages to stay up.
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Thanks to the unprecedented success of her previous business venture.
Now, She sells sea shells on the Seychelles sea shore.
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My wife said that she wanted me to be more of an animal in the bedroom.
Fucking awesome!
I can't wait for the drum kit to arrive!
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With the 100th anniversary of the Titanic's sinking coming up, I think the valuable lessons have been learnt.
Now we sink our fancy ships in the sunny, more pleasant and shallower Mediterranean.
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I have a condition that means I can't lose weight.
Laziness.
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I must admit, it feels great to be back at work tonight.
Even if it did mean breaking in, knocking out the security guard and having to sit at the new guys desk.
"Please don't eat me."
- The Edible Hulk
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I walked in on my son masturbating to a video of Lesbians today.
I was furious. I stormed over to the socket and pulled the plug.
'Aw Dad, why did you do that?' he moaned.
'Son, there is a perfectly good widescreen downstairs, and you know your mother's out.'
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I had sex with a couple of Siamese Twins last night.
I don't know what's more unbelievable, having sex with Siamese Twins, or the odds on there being two sets of Siamese Twins in the same club.
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Get a rhino... put it on a diet... BOOM!
Unicorn.
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Playing football in the park and after a crunching tackle, I broke the leg of some chav.
The opposition captain ran over to confront me.
"What the fuck you doing."
"Look, I'm sorry. It was just mis-timed."
"Mis-timed, he's on your fucking team!"
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Whoever says, 'Nothing is impossible', has clearly never tried to staple water to a tree.
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I woke up this morning with a huge hangover, in bed with a girl I pulled at the nightclub last night.
The first thing she said to me was "you were like a wild animal in bed last night".
"Why? Was I naughty and adventurous?"
"No."You pissed and shit all over the sheets".
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I drew a loveheart for my girlfriend in her own blood.
It's not as creepy as it sounds.
What I thought was a crayon turned out to be a dried up tampon.
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The wife came storming downstairs this morning:
"Oi dickhead, I want a word."
"What's wrong?" I asked innocently.
"Every time I turn you down for anal, I wake up with black and white stripes painted on me" she said.
"So?" I shrugged.
"So, you can have it one day" she said, "just stop badgering me."
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My wife told me to "make her feel like a million dollars"
So I cut her up into small rectangles and neatly stacked her into a briefcase.
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I've spent all morning trying to get moss off my lawn.
In the end, I just let Kate sober-up and make her own way home.
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Out with the lads from OCD anonymous tonight.
Things aren't gonna get messy.
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Depth limit for recreational divers - 12 metres
Depth limit for experienced divers - 18 metres
Depth at which nitrogen bubbles develop in your blood - 30 metres
Scuba diving world record - 137 metres
Depth my £14.99 watch will operate up to - 500 metres
WTF!
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I was never sure why they called it Soft Porn.
Then I looked down at my penis.
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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me 'The Love Machine' because I'm terrible at tennis.
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"Doctor doctor, I keep going dizzy and falling over."
"Does this happen often?"
"Only when I masturbate with a plastic carrier bag over my head."
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I'd love to do an Iron Man Triathalon.
I think I'd be alright at the running, just not sure about the flying and shooting lasers
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They say ''Pleasure makes you beautiful''
Clearly whoever came up with that hasn't seen my wank face.
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A Catholic Priest was on the telly praising one of his alter boys for saving his life.
The 14yr old apparently found a lump on one of his testicles.
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Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says "probably just shitfaced."
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"Abu Hamza facing up to 50 years behind bars."
If the authorities have any sense of humour they'll make them strongly magnetic.
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The Grand old Duke of York, he had ten thousand men..........and his rectum collapsed.
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Isn't feminism just another form of sexism?
=====
I'm not saying my wife's acne is severe.
But I took a picture of her on my iPhone and it automatically took me took me to her website.
=====
I passed a drugs test recently.
Which was strange because I don't remember eating one.
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I came home from a night out and my wife said, "Your jumper is the wrong way around."
"Is it?" I asked, looking in the mirror.
"Yes, I can't believe you've been walking around like that all night" she continued, "You look ridiculous."
"I thought it was a bit loose on the neck" I said, "And tight on the waist"
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I was sitting watching the Grand National in the pub last year with a beer when my horse came in.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked.
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"Now then" said the Doctor, "if you can remove your trousers and slip your underwear off for me... Thank you. And jump lightly on the spot.. good, good. Nice swing. Now if you can bend over this desk.. place your hands on your buttocks. Good. Excellent. Hold still please, you will feel a little cold gel on your anus."
"Doctor?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you do this to all your assistants when they first visit the Tardis?"
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"What would you like for breakfast, crunchy nut?" I asked my son.
"I'll have toast, and stop mocking my psoriasis," he replied.
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I sat in the cubicle, leant towards the partition and whispered "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"We'll talk about it after I've had a shit." said my dad.
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I think people SHOULD run with scissors.
It'd make the Marathons far more interesting.
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My new girlfriend really loves these 6" Subway sandwiches.
I've been cutting off 2" before she sees them because we haven't had sex yet.
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If I were to make money out of thin air, it'd be fraud.
If a bank does it, it's "credit"
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While at the local corner shop today, I was approached by two teenagers who were skipping school.
One of them handed me a £10 and said "Can you buy us drinks? We aren't 18."
Seeing my opportunity to be the "cool guy", I took their money and fulfilled their request.
I hope they enjoyed their Diet coke.
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I can't get this fucking green pen mark off.
- The Indelible Hulk