If you have a stutter, avoid using the word "ghost".
Otherwise, people might think there is one behind them.
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Dear Scotland,
If you go, that's it.
We don't want drunken phone calls in a few months saying what a huge mistake it was.
Regards,
England.
PS. Get your own fucking currency if you do.
PPS. Good luck with getting into the European Community.
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Growing up with 6 sisters I always had to wait to use the bathroom.
That's how I learned to dance.
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If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck,
You're drunk.
Ducks do not talk.
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You say God hates gay people.
God is portrayed as a man
Men who love men are gay.
You love God'
You're gay.
God hates you.
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House prices have risen so much in my area of late that my dog has just had to take out a second mortgage on his kennel.
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BBC News: Firefighters battle deadly blaze at a Manchester Dog's Home.
In other news, record numbers of happy Koreans seen queuing down Deansgate with baps and ketchup.
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What do you call very slow progress?
Amateurgress.
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From today, Young Offender Institutions will no longer be allowing inmates to have Play Stations in their cells to pass the time.
So it's back to the traditional Game Boy - whether he's game or not.
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When Scotland have voted for independance, may I propose we call ourselves "Even Greater Britain?"
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Never ask a dominatrix to make you a sandwich as they'll quickly make you a sub instead.
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I was still drunk when I walked into work this morning.
Either that or my boss has changed the office around and hired new staff.
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I was told that girls like talking about dick shapes and sizes.
In fact, that's bullshit.
I've been on 4 different dates now and they all thought I was gay.
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Money talks.
Stumpy walks.
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Jimmy page dies and is at the bottom of a white pearly staircase and thought to himself,
'I know this place from somewhere'.
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When's Pharrell Williams going to release songs about the other six Dwarves?
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If a single teacher cannot teach us all subjects, then how could you expect a single student to learn all the subjects?
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If you consider how much dental work costs nowadays you will begin to realize what a cheap ass the tooth fairy
really is.
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9/11 will always be a time of heartache.
I remember that day clearly.
I watched in horror as the towers crumbled. I knew that I would never forget this day, and that no November would ever be the same.
I finally lost a game of Jenga.
BBC News: "Oscar Pistorious gets off on 9/11."
Sick bastard.
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I can count the number of incestuous members of my family on one hand.
Seven.
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Last week I paid five hundred pounds for a poached egg, and all because of my iPod.
If I hadn't been wearing that I'd have heard the gamekeeper sneaking up on me.
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"Who's that lady on TV Daddy?"
"That's Reeva Steenkamp."
"What does she do?"
"Nothing now saldy, her boyfriend killed her."
"And is he now in jail?"
"No, darling."
"Why not?"
"Because that's democracy, apparently."
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Can you imagine a Scottish independence day?
If the aliens thought Will Smith was tough, wait till they try invading Glasgow on a Friday night.
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I was sad to read that "Jaws" has died in California, aged 74.
I am no expert on nature but that's fucking old for a shark.
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"Why is it you only come to me when you need my help with something?"
Time for a new therapist, I think.
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"If you caught a disease, where would be the one place you'd love to go to before you died?"
"A fucking hospital".
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A report in Psychology Today magazine says that happy people talk a lot more than unhappy people.
And they also report on what would make unhappy people happy.
If happy people would just shut the fuck up.
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It's a sad time for all Americans but they will never know true pain until they have stepped bare foot on a UK 3 pin plug.
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BBC News: Ryanair lost 3 million bags last year, and they've got the nerve to question us about them.
We should be the ones asking THEM the fucking questions at the airport.
Like:
"Do you have our bags?"
"Have you let them out of your sight?"
"Did you put them on the plane yourselves?"
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I thought that Alex Salmond had a huge chip on his shoulder but I now realise that it's his massive potato-shaped head.
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In a recent fetish survey felching came out bottom.
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Money doesn't buy happiness.
I give all my money to my ex every month and she's still a miserable bitch.
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The NO campaign for Scottish independance has had a huge boost, as Greggs the Bakers threaten to quit Scotland if they gain independence.
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How to fall downstairs.
Step 1
Step 6
Step 8,9,10,11
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The Invictus International Games for the wounded.
Or
The 'Friendly (fire) Games'.
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Teacher: "You copied from Tim's exam paper didn't you?"
Pupil: "How did you know?"
Teacher: "Tim's answered a question with 'I don't know' and for the same question you put 'Me neither.'"
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£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better fucking fly you to your destination.
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My wgirlfriend says I know nothing about sex.
We'll see about that when I take her catting.
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BBC NEws: Al Qaeda have threatened Christmas attacks in the U.K.
Foreign Secretary William Hague immediately sprang into action, telling Al Qaeda, "You can't call them Christmas attacks. You have to call them Holiday attacks."
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I was reading that your favourite Royal tells a lot about who you are.
For example, if your favourite is the Queen, then you're respectful and distinguished.
If it's Prince Harry, then you're fun-loving and a bit naughty.
If it's Prince Charles, then you're concious of the environment.and if it's Camilla, You're Camilla.
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The Treasury has stated that an independent Scotland might have a claim to ten percent of UK gold.
The Government tried to prevent this by renaming it Dave some time ago.
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The Government has decided to fly a Saltire over 10 Downing Street until the referendum is over.
This will achieve nothing other than to confuse the hell out of American tourists.