Ironically, Lance is an anagram of clean.
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Apparently Harry Potter and three of his gay mates started a boy band.
They're called Wand Direction.
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My date asked me to tell her a funny story about my self.
I said, "Once I mistakenly thought super glue was lube and got my hand stuck on my cock."
"Oh my god!" she winced in horror, "you poor thing that must have been awful."
"No not really," I replied, "I just spent the day wanking."
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It can only be a matter of time before Boris Johnson's mum comes forward and tells us that she was raped by Jimmy Saville in 1963.
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"Let me have a little guess at something", I said to my new girlfriend as she gave me a guided tour of her flat, "Did you used to go out with Justin Lee Collins?"
"Yes I did", she replied hesitantly, "How did you guess that just from looking round my flat?"
"Simple, I noticed him hiding in your shower, having a wank".
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We're all fucked if Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie.
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The first rule of Mime Club is, you do not talk.
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October is breast cancer awareness month.
I stare because I care ladies.
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2 things I've been cursed with are a weak bladder, and Alzheimers.
Still, this bottle of apple juice should take my mind off things.
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NASA have come up with a mission costing millions of dollars to clean up all the old satellites in orbit around the earth.
A cheaper option would be to just send up a couple of Gypsies in a transit van.
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The Tories have announced we can beat up burglars.
Finally I can let that poor man out of my basement and give him the kicking he deserves.
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What's the difference between Jimmy Savile and Weetabix?
Weetabix still comes in 12's.
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I'm tired of all these razors telling me they have 3,4, and 5 blades or whatever.
Want to impress me?
Make one I can shave my bollocks with, without me being
terrified.
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I wrongly assumed that Rihanna had been going out with Glen Johnson.
When she sang 'I found love in a hopeless place'.
I thought she meant the Liverpool back four.
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Brilliant news for the prostitutes of Liverpool yesterday.
Coleen Rooney has announced she is pregnant again.
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Got my Halloween outfit.
Blonde wig, tracksuit, gold chains and cigar.
That should keep the little fuckers away.
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When I was younger I was a terrible driver.
On my first driving test, I got more minors than Jimmy Saville.
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A man asked his beautiful girlfriend to marry him, pointing out that his dying grandfather owned a vast fortune, and would leave it all to him upon dying.
The girl asked him for some time to think about it.
Two weeks later she became his step-mother.
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David Cameron is to make it legal to use disproportionate force against people who want to steal all that you have.
Hopefully that means the tax man is fair game.
=====
I met a really nice midget girl today.
Would it be too forward to ask her to go up on me?
I wonder whatever happened to Ewan Yu.
Jimmy Saville was always fixing it for that kid.
=====
I was in my back garden this morning when my next door neighbour said to me, "Your grass is seriously overgrown."
Well, it sounded like my next door neighbour anyway.
=====
I bumped into a familiar looking Chinese guy in Leicester Square last night.
"Are you a film director by any chance?" I inquired.
"I'm Ang Lee" he replied shortly.
"Chill out mate, I was only asking!"
Prick.
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Chris Brown still beats Rihanna every night.
He has a tattoo of her on his penis.
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Snakes can unhinge their jaws so that their mouth is many times the size of their brain.
Does this mean that Politicians are snakes?
=====
My girlfriend said she'd love a black cock.
So I've just hit mine with a hammer.
=====
If the Jimmy Savile and Lance Armstrong cases have taught us anything it is this:
Don't trust people that do lots of charity work.
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Alan Pardew has told his Newcastle United players to forget all about the club's new sponsorship deal with Wonga.com.
He's told them to just get on the pitch and give it 4107%.
=====
If God hates masturbation so much, he should give me a girlfriend.
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Lady Gaga and Britney Spears are sharing a dressing room.
"Do you know I've insured my face for 10 million dollars?" says Gaga.
"Wow," says Britney. "So what are you going to do with all the money?"
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I just bought a blow up doll and its so realistic.
It just lies there and it even sighs when I'm finished.
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Schrodinger was arrested for cruelty to animals.
His fate is uncertain.
=====
There has been a dramatic development In the jimmy Saville sex allegations,
Police are now looking at the possibility that Jeremy Beadle had a small hand in it.
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I love watching the trees turn from green to orange and red.
Starting forest fires is so much fun.
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As the Vatican's barber, I rock papal scissors.
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If your wife or girlfriend ask " If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?'
Never pick two names.
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A man texts his wife: "OK, darling. I'm going in for the schizophrenia therapy now ...luv u xx."
His wife sends back,"OK good luck and luv u two."
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The Virgin TIVO box.
Now you can fuck up 3 recordings at the same time.
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I just stubbed my toe.
Apparently it's a switch that activates every fucking curse word I know and plays them all at the same time.
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When I haven't had any sex for a while, I go along to the STD clinic just so everyone thinks I'm getting some.
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Adele called her first two albums '19' and '21' because those numbers have a special significance to her.
They were the only ones that came with chips.
=====
Whenever someone says to me,"You look familiar. Where have I seen you before?"
I like to respond with,"Do you watch porn?"
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I've now named my tv remote 'Wally' for obvious reasons.
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I noticed that The Plane Crash and Katie Price were trending on Twitter.
Then I realised it wasn't part of the same story.