I beat my mother at a game of swingball yesterday.
Hoping for a knighthood.
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We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours.
They seem like nice people.
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Fuck Andy Murray.
I'm a proud Englishman, so I won't be claiming a foreigner's success. Bring on the Ashes, I say.
We'll be unstoppable now Pietersen is back.
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A Roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up to the barman and says "five beers please"
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This gin and tonic is 91 calories.
This banana is 105 calories.
My doctor told me to make the healthy choice.
I love my doctor.
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It must be great being a Korean in this weather.
You can take your lunch to work and let it slow cook in the car.
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Necrophiliacs have to dig deep to find true love.
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An old friend of mine sent me a text message: "Out in Spain this week. It's 32 degrees here, you wanker."
I sent a text back: "It's 45 degrees here."
"Fuck off is it. Where are you?"
"On a hill."
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Some boxers believe that abstaining from sex before a bout makes them a better fighter.
If that's the case, then I'm slowly becoming the greatest fighter of all time.
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Katie Price has commissioned a new coat of arms.
The motto on it is: 'Alpha Kenny One'.
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I see the Americans have been at it again.
One of the casualties of the San Francisco plane crash was actually killed by a friendly fire engine.
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BBCNews: "Abu Qatada has been deported from the UK but the fallout from his case will continue."
Anyone else imagine a trail of robes and sandals down the runway at Northolt.
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What's the difference between watching porn and having sex?
About 60 seconds.
Unless you mean with someone else, in which case I don't know.
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Women claim to be multi-taskers, yet somehow they always end up whining about the same old shit.
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Disabled puppet looking for casual sex, No strings attached.
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I've just got a new job as a Barbarian.
It's just like being a librarian, but I also cut hair.
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Men speak because they have something to say.
Women speak because they have to say something.
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I just saved 3 children from a burning house and got a really big pat on the back.
Just think if I could play Tennis or ride a bike fast I might have got a knighthood as well.
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I've just made the best recipe for tofu ever!
Simply brush generously with extra virgin olive oil before lightly tossing it in the bin.
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I'm not saying it's hot at work,
But I feel like I should be making trainers for Nike.
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I'm so lonely that I take my Gore Tex jacket with me to bed, just to have something that is breathing beside me.
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It's never too late to tell somebody how much you love them.
Unless you've just come home shitfaced at 3 a.m.
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I dropped my Mother off at Mothercare.
I am seriously thinking of going to trading standards.
I'm not saying my girlfriend is a bit of a thug.
In case she hears me.
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I was going to buy an inflatable pool for this lovely weather, but I couldn't afford it.
So I ended up filling the vagina of my realistic Katy Price Blow up doll with water and we swam in that.
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If you've ever wondered what foreplay is like with a girl who has severe thrush and genital warts, just stick two fingers in a jar of extra crunchy peanut butter.
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Some fucker tried to drive off without paying for his petrol, so I jumped in front of his car.
Now he's blaming me for losing the Grand Prix.
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I don't like the term 'morning wood'.
I prefer to call it my girlfriend's alarm clock.
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I was so lonely and unloved as a child I used to play hide and seek on my own.
And lose.
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I miss my recently deceased dog so much that I commissioned an oil painting of her.
It's ever so good.
You can even see the maggots.
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That was the wildest weekend I've ever had.
After one too many beers I started sucking off the stag.
My kids have asked that I never take them to Richmond Park again.
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Fitness in an interesting struggle. On one hand, you can live forever and feel great.
On the other hand, cheesecake.
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I always warm my moisturizer cream in the microwave before applying it.
It reminds me of Father Thomas.
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All Jay-Z's problems have been undone.
By his brother, Ctrl-Z.
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"Hi, I'm Jane," she said.
"I'm Christopher, but everyone calls me Dick for short."
"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.
"You ask nicely,"
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I've finally worked out how to stop 'splashback' when having a shit.
Pull the plug out of the sink first.
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"Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?"
"Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she's down the shops."
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News: Obama gets new limousine with advanced night-vision capabilities.
Headlights then.
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He who casts the first stone.
Isn't fucking coming fishing again.
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Just checked my bank account and I've got enough money to last me for the rest of my life.
Providing I die next Wednesday.
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For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.
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I woke up this morning to my girlfriend fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, "Ok, what do you want?"
"I want you to turn the fucking ceiling fan down."
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I bought some condoms on the way home, as I'm hoping to get Lucky tonight.
If his owner leaves him tied up in the back garden again.
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Its such a shame about the little kitten that was found abandoned in a box on a tube on the Victoria line.
I was hoping for a controlled explosion.
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Can Lynx fumes get you high?
The reason I ask is because I just sprayed a wasp to make him smell nice and he immediately started doing some weird breakdancing shit.
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BBC News: A Moscow court has found the Russian lawyer Sergei Magnitsky guilty of tax evasion three years after his death.
I bet he's shitting his coffin with worry now.
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What's the hardest thing about grooming a dog?
Making sure he doesn't bite down on your cock.
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You know your dating life sucks, when you get matched with your cousin on eHarmony.