Women say they like tall men.
I'm at least 6'4 in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet.
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I was shocked when my doctor told me I was colour blind.
It was completely out of the green.
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Shrien Dewani has received his final invoice from Max Clifford.
Fifty grand.
Payable in phone cards and snout.
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"That Christmas tree is tiny, where the hell did you buy it?"
"Littlewoods"
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A human fart can be louder than a trombone.
I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
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We DID NOT walk 500 miles.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.
~The Disclaimers.
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Imagine being completely naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you.
This is the life of a dog.
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On next week's X Factor, the winner of last year's contest will make a guest appearance.
It's nice of his manager at Burger King to give him the night off for it.
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I'm collecting for a charity this Christmas, it's for the police officers of America.
They've used a lot of their ammunition this year and are facing a crisis which means they won't be able to shoot anymore teenagers until we do something.
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I will be watching Santa's journey on Norad's website very carefully this year.
If he goes to West Africa before coming to the UK, I'm bricking the chimney up.
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Just like Fleur East, X Factor has helped me to beat depression.
I always feel much better when I switch it off.
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Edinburgh Playhouse has issued pornographic DVDs to children instead of recordings of its summer school.
A father of one 10 year old girl described the film as "absolutely disgusting filth", and worth every penny.
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Who has a red cloak and a white beard and loves having little children sitting on his lap?
Rolf Harris in a red cloak and white beard.
I keep receiving calls from a debt collection agency called Bros.
But I owe them nothing.
Nothing at all.
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"Where's all this shit coming from?"
Thought the fan.
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"So, how long have you had problems getting an erection?" asked the nurse.
"She's a bit sure of herself," I said to the dentist.
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The Proclaimers' lawn is out of control and they're blaming B&Q.
They've been to Bathgate, no mower, Linwood, no mower, Irvine, no mower.
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The three most frightening things a hostage is likely to hear, in reverse order.
It's time to torture him.
It's time to behead him.
The Americans are coming to rescue him.
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My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more on holiday.
That was an awkward postcard to receive.
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I was making sweet love to a gorgeous lingerie model today.
Everything was perfect until the security guard noticed and kicked me out of Victoria's Secret.
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Beatings and threats, forced nudity, confinement, sleep deprivation and rectal feeding.
The Christmas sales are still on at ASDA.
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"So, you have a problem with premature ejaculation then?"
"Can I have another condom please?"
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I watched the Disney film Frozen in 4D.
I switched off the heating.
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I thought the Sainsbury's Norfolk Black turkey might make a change for Christmas dinner.
Fucking thing had 3 legs and a knife.
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A man died and found himself surrounded by tortured souls and flames.
"Why? Why am I here lord, " he cried, "I've been good, I've observed all laws, never missed church, why am I here lord?"
"Work it out, " replied Allah.
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I used to date a girl who sold her body for money.
Think what you want about her but when my mate needed a kidney she was a hero.
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I was on the motorway yesterday and moved half a mile in two hours.
The drivers behind me were fuming.
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Tory peer Baroness Jenkin has apologised for her remark about poor people not knowing how to cook.
I'm sending her my recipe for cole slaw and cornflake curry.
That'll change her mind.
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I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.
For Jesus.
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"What lies on the bottom of the sea shaking?"
"A nervous wreck."
"No, a diver with Parkinson's."
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I realised how disgustingly I was today when saw myh arse in the shower.
I was sitting on the toilet at the time.