One by one, all of my best mates have started to become interested in men as well as women.
So I'm just sitting here, watching the world go bi.
=====
North Korean football chant - "We'll Nuke, We'll Score, We'll eat your Labrador - North Korea, North Korea."
=====
The first rule of Alzheimer's club is you don't talk about chess club.
=====
Of course size matters.
You don't see many girls wanking themselves off with a cocktail sausage.
=====
My dad was showing me his baby photo album, when we came across a few of him naked.
"Look at the size of my cock!" he laughed.
"Dad, zip up your trousers and let's look at the photos."
=====
I've made numerous,desperate attempts recently to get into Shape.
Even though security keep telling me its a women only gym.
=====
When my Emo son's dog died while he was out, I did what any understanding father would do.
I hung him in his bedroom and left a little suicide note.
=====
What goes in black and comes out brown, then goes in brown and comes out black ?
Mick Philpott doing ass to mouth in prison.
=====
Aintree - The only racecourse in Britain where punters have more Ketamine in them than the horses.
=====
"Grandad what did you do during the war?" I asked.
"Mainly wank, I was twelve" replied the dirty bastard.
=====
Girls are always saying that only love, not size matters.
Try proposing with a tiny diamond ring.
=====
Following all this gesticulation I think it's time Kim Jong-Un stopped fucking around and returned to the set of 'Two broke girls'.
=====
Blow-up doll for sale. Used. Very realistic & very sexy. Needs emptying.
=====
I was pissed off when my boss said, "I'm sorry, but I've replaced you with a computer that does everything you ever did."
It wasn't even plugged in.
=====
The judge sentenced my mate to 12 years today.
Apparently, sitting on your hand for 15 minutes before shooting your wife does not mean that somebody else did it.
=====
You know you are lonely when all you want to do after sex is cuddle your wank sock.
=====
My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder.
Just my luck, not one of them likes sucking cock.
=====
I went to an extremist's strip club last night.
As soon as the girls got down to their suicide vests, all the blokes started shouting "Set them off! Set them off!"
=====
My wife just told me to grow a pear.
What the fuck does fruit have to do with this big hairy fucking ugly arsed spider?
=====
I thought I'd try a cheeky chat up line in the pub tonight, so I wandered over and said, "You've got the best tits I've seen for a long time."
It didn't work.
Although I did discover that Fat Mick isn't gay and punches harder than you might expect.
=====
I said to my mate, "I started rubbing my wife's clitoris last night and she went mental."
He said, "Wasn't she in the mood?"
"I think it was the wire brush."
=====
BBC News: Government assures us Britain is ready for nuclear war.
Really? We weren't ready for snow in April.
=====
I'm so unlucky, I'd lose a game of rock, paper, scissors to Abu Hamza.
=====
I'm not an alcoholic.
I just hate drinking water,milk,juice and soft
drinks.
=====
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To escape North Korea's long range missiles.
=====
They say what you play with as a child will reflect your career as an adult. If you played with Lego, you'd become a construction worker. If you played Operation, you'd grow up to be a surgeon.
I'm now self employed.
If that little twat in North Korea had nuked South Korea the day after Gangham Style was posted on You Tube nobody would have said a word.
=====
I can hardly remember how I got away from embarrassing situations before I learned the moonwalk.
=====
So sad to hear the news about Mrs T.
B.A. must be gutted.
=====
I got the wife's birthday present off the web earlier.
I hope she likes flies.
=====
It's boring being a lift operator, so I've turned it into a game.
At the moment I'm on Level 6.
=====
A police officer stopped me last night whilst I was driving home from the pub.
"Do you know why I was following you?", he asked.
"Because my tweets are funny?"
=====
In a recent survey it found that the three most sought after invisible objects were,
1)
2)
3)
=====
"Dad, is it true you suck cock and take it up the arse?"
"Who on earth has told you that son?"
"Elton. My other dad."
=====
How many of my wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None, as a serial bigamist I like to keep them all in the dark.
=====
My wife treats our sex life the same way she treats our cat.
We don't have a cat.
=====
The landlord in my local pub has just told me that from next week, my usual pint of lager will be going up by 4%.
I for one can't wait, that stuff is going to get me well fucked.
=====
After the long winter comes a welcoming warmer spell.
Saturday 16 degrees
Sunday 18 degrees
Monday 17,523 degrees.
In North Korea.
=====
=====
My first game playing in defence for the prison football team was very confusing.
Whenever somebody shouted, "Get rid of it!" I didn't know whether to kick the ball or slip it up my arse.
=====
OK. Guys, girls, people of the world, everyone. I have a confession to make. This is really tough for me, so please respect what I write; read it with thought and understanding. Try and put yourself in my boots - in my situation. I've had the guts to come out here and say it, so please remember that when you read this difficult confession for me to make. OK? Here goes.
I over-dramatise things to get more attention.
=====
"What have you got our son for his 3rd birthday?" my wife asked. "I hope its nothing thats only to benefit you again."
"What you on about?" I asked.
She said, "Well you bought him an XBox for his 1st and a bottle of whiskey for his 2nd."
I said, "Well if you must know, I've got him a bike."
"Excellent! the Thomas the Tank one?"
"No, a Suzuki SV650S."
=====
BBC News: The Paris Louvre is to shut on Wednesday as staff strike over the problem of pickpockets.
Ironic, considering the place contains one of the biggest collections of plundered art and sculpture in the world.
=====
If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, what would she do for a Snickers?
=====
I woke up this morning with a splitting headache.
I couldn't find any aspirin or paracetamol, so I made a corned beef sandwich.
=====
I have reached the age where food has overtaken sex as the biggest pleasure in my life.
I even have a mirror on the ceiling above my fridge.
=====
Just got the scouse monopoly game.
All the houses are boarded up, the bank has been robbed and the jail is full.
=====
The futures bright, the futures...
Apparently now a different fucking company.
=====
I was on holiday in the alps when I saw a sign saying Ski Hire.
So I went a bit further up the slope.
=====
As I walked up to the door of the newsagents today I saw that the sign said 'CLOSED'
"Oh fucking great!" I yelled, looking directly at the man behind the counter, "Can you let me out please mate?"
=====
When a girl says she has experimented with girls, that does not necessarily mean she's bi.
She may just be an evil scientist.
=====
Just been playing football with my Grandad when he said, "The weather is shocking for this time of year"
I said, "tell me something I don't know"
He turned to me and said.
"Your gran's arse can take my whole fist."
=====
According to Stevie Wonder's twitter profile.....Hagkalg lakdfwnbar amdsfa
=====
One of the girls at work told me she has a sweet tooth.
She freaked out a bit when I tried to lick it.
=====
They say that when you do some public speaking you should always open with a joke.
I wonder how many more would have survived if I'd got straight to the tsunami warning.
=====
I wonder what Sudocrem is really called.
=====
"My wife told me I brood over things too much."
"When did she tell you that?"
"1974."
=====
A customer "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
Assistant "Are you Irish?"
The man, clearly offended says, "Yes, I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish Sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says "No, I probably wouldnt"
The man says "Well, then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I was Irish?"
"Because you're in Halfords."