Thinking on it, the moon landing is probably fake.
With no oil and innocent children to kill, why would the Americans go there?
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My mate's a gay Jehovah's Witness.
He'll only knock on your back door.
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BBC News: UN report concludes that they are 95% certain humans are the cause of global warming.
Leaving a 5% chance it's angry alien ants with a giant magnifying glass.
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According to a recent scientific study, the best way to avoid being killed by a shark is by poking it in the eyes.
Not that I class myself as smarter than scientists, but I think I will stick to my current tactic of living inland.
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Recent Premiership form:
Liverpool: WWDWWD....
Arsenal: DDWWWW.....
Manchester United: ROFLMAO
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'LSD makes users lose weight'
That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.
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I got so pissed last night I don't know if I found some keys or lost a car.
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BBC News: A passenger was forced to land a plane after the pilot fell ill at the controls.
Ryanair have since charged the passenger for his seat upgrade.
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If there's one thing I've learnt from Formula 1 over the past 2 decades, it's the German national anthem.
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The sound of my ex gasping for breath in her hospital bed still haunts me to this day.
Maybe I should change my ringtone.
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My boss told me off today because I'm always turning things into a joke.
"So have I made myself clear?" He said.
"No I can still see you." I replied.
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Jack Wilshere says, "If you live in England for 5 years that doesn't make you English."
Which is going to upset a lot of 5 year olds.
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My dad got me a dictionary for my birthday.
"Why did you get me this?" I asked.
He said, "Because you're stupid."
Then for his birthday I got him a dildo.
"Why did you get me this?" he asked.
I said, "Because you're a twat."
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The United States is on track to become the worlds largest producer of oil.
If history has taught us anything, it's that the United States will soon be invading the United States.
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I sat in the van keeping the house under surveillance. It had been about two hours when the woman finally left. I hunched down and watched her in the rear view mirror until she turned the corner, then I ran to the wall and vaulted it. I fell to the ground and led silently listening to see if I had been noticed. Then slowly I crawled along on my chest until I reached the door. I looked around to ensure that I was unseen.
Then, slowly, deliberately, I carefully opened the letterbox and posted it. Then I ran back to the van without looking back and drove off at great speed.
And another 'Sorry you weren't home' card is successfully delivered.
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At Halloween, I'm planning to stick three dicks in my mouth and go as my fucking ex.
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So Tom Hanks has diabetes.
I guess death is like a box of chocolates for him now.
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Liverpool fans appear to be calling their current strike force SAS - Suarez And Sturridge.
I'd like to propose a similar alternative for Man United fans:
Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa.
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The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.
I'd never seen an insect run off to get married before.
I had to queue up for 2 hours, put my bag through the security scanner and have a full body cavity search for drugs before I could get to the plane and board.
I thought, "All this health and safety is crippling our carpentry business."
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North Korea have agreed to suspend their nuclear programme.
They've seen an episode of 'The Only Way Is Essex' and decided our society's already fucked without their intervention.
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If evolution is true, why did snakes lose the ability to talk?
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Sky News: A Liverpool man was recently arrested for taking up-skirt photographs at Poundland.
The case has been dropped because they couldn't find 12 people willing to look at up-skirt photos of Poundland shoppers.
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"Sex box" on Channel 4 tonight where couple have sex inside a box.
Next week it's the single guys version, "Wank Sock"
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Nothing is more frustrating than when a girl you're deeply attracted to tells you she thinks of you as a brother.
Unless she says it in a Norfolk accent.
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My mate told me that it's taken 5 million years for a monkey to turn into a man.
Idiot, monkeys don't live that long.
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What do you call a women who can't draw?
Trace.
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As we sat in a restaurant last night, I looked at my blind date and said, "Here are my three children. Jack is the one on the left, he's 7. Charlie is the one in the middle, he's 5. And Daisy is one on the right, she's 3."
"They're adorable." she replied.
"This is my mum & dad," I continued, "And the two with the funny hats on are my brothers."
Suddenly she looked at her watch.
"Sorry," I said, "Am I boring you?"
"No, I was just expecting us to be alone."
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I was held in custody last night.
I didn't want to be, but my cell mate was a cuddler.
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I've got a brand new 50 inch Sony TV being delivered tomorrow morning and it's completely free of charge.
Well, I say free of charge.
My neighbour has paid for it, I just have to swap the door numbers.
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What's the difference between a cat and a politician?
A cat doesn't pretend to care about you.
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Are you after some fake binoculars?
Well look no further.
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My Doctor shook his head and said ,"I wish you`d come to me earlier."
"I would have but your receptionist told me to take a seat in the waiting room."
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BBC News: Phil Collins has come out and admitted he's gay.
Rumour has it he's been having a secret affair with Prince Harry.
He'll be coming in the heir tonight.
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I honestly believe Man Utd will win the league under Moyes next season.
They'll face stiff competition from Blackpool and Watford though.
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Nick Clegg has just said that the UK could 'stumble' out of the EU.
Stampede Nick, stampede.
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Daily Mirror - "Januzaj can play for England"
The Sun - "Januzaj can play for England"
Daily Express - "Januzaj can play for England"
Daily Mail - "Mass influx of foreign Muslim youths threatens England National Team"
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I'm currently waiting for my girlfriend outside the train station. It's her birthday and I'm taking her to an expensive restaurant.
For an extra sexy treat, I'm also wearing one of her thongs.
Let's just hope she shows up soon though, I'm fucking freezing.
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A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people.
Obviously. It's a lot easier to see what's coming when you're only driving at eleven miles an hour.
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I see that North Korea has made it illegal to use mobile phones.
Now all they need to do is to ban sweets with wrappers and it'll be the best fucking place in the world to go to the cinema.
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After watching Sexbox on tv last night I can't helping thinking that Phillip Schofield is going to have to do a lot of steam cleaning before the next series of the cube
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Ryanair have just ordered 175 Boing 737-800's, which have a maximum design capacity of 189 passengers.
A Ryanair spokesman has expressed the company's delight and they can't wait for the delivery and to unveil the new compact seating in them for 375 passengers.