_
I've almost finished developing an anti-ageing product and my wife has agreed to let me trial it on her tonight. I just need to find a silencer now.
=====
What's shiny and smells of cigars? Jimmy Saville's bling on it's way to Cash4Gold.
=====
My government funding got stopped today. After ten years of trying, I've still failed to cross human DNA with a sock.
=====
What's blue and green and doesn't fit anymore? A dead epileptic.
=====
After his claims that he could "remember when rock was young" geologists estimated Elton John to be over 4 billion years old.
=====
It is extremely fitting that Man United have agreed to rename part of Old Trafford in recognition of how much one person has contributed to the success of the club.
As a committed fan and season ticket holder I will be proud to sit in the Howard Webb end.
=====
My wife told me that she's not shaving at the moment. She calls it "Keeping warm for winter". I call it "Using your vibrator until spring".
=====
My Grandad woke up with a puzzled look on his face. The daft bastard had fallen asleep on his jigsaw.
=====
If it's illegal to buy stolen property, then why is it legal to buy land in America?
=====
I thought I'd made an effort to compliment my wife, but it ended in an argument. How was I suppose to know she wasn't celebrating Movember.
=====
A venture capital group have bought ailing electrical retailer Comet for just £2. However they were conned into buying a £50m extended warranty to go with it.
=====
I agree with these Protesting Students.... I'd be pissed off too if I was being charged £9,000 a year for lectures that I couldn't be arsed getting out of bed to attend.
=====
Burglar Alarm (n) : The look of panic on an intruder's face when he notices the home-owner at the top of the stairs..........holding a shotgun.
=====
BBC Sport - "McLaren driver Lewis Hamilton plans to avoid another crash with Ferrari's Felipe Massa in the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix"
Genius, why didn't he think of that ealier?!
=====
What did T-Rex's do if they were happy and they knew it?
=====
Apple recently released a new product, the iRonic.
Sales figures have been quite poor though, noone in America got it.
=====
My mate had a Harry potter themed party, last weekend.
I couldn't be arsed, so i just sent my cat.
=====
My Geordie mate was distraught at the prospect of his beloved Newcastle United playing at "The Sports Direct Arena".
An insider at the club assured him it will never happen.
Because the team will be called "The Findus Crispy Chicken All-Stars" from next month.
=====
Should Optimus Prime take out car insurance or life insurance?
=====
I dialled 999 today.
I said, "I've got a tree stuck up my cat."
The operator laughed and said, "You mean you've got a cat stuck up your tree?"
"No."
=====
Apparently Prince William is to be 'posted to the Falkand Island.
I know The Queen gets her stamps on the cheap but surely they could have got the poor bastard a seat on a plane.
=====
Thought of the day..........Why the fuck do people dress up in full camouflage gear to go fishing????
=====
Sleep is my drug, bed is my dealer, my alarm clock is the police.
=====
So Jimmy Saville`s dead.
I can`t say im sorry really.
My life was never the same after he fixed it for me to go camping with Gary Glitter!
I've almost finished developing an anti-ageing product and my wife has agreed to let me trial it on her tonight. I just need to find a silencer now.
=====
What's shiny and smells of cigars? Jimmy Saville's bling on it's way to Cash4Gold.
=====
My government funding got stopped today. After ten years of trying, I've still failed to cross human DNA with a sock.
=====
What's blue and green and doesn't fit anymore? A dead epileptic.
=====
After his claims that he could "remember when rock was young" geologists estimated Elton John to be over 4 billion years old.
=====
It is extremely fitting that Man United have agreed to rename part of Old Trafford in recognition of how much one person has contributed to the success of the club.
As a committed fan and season ticket holder I will be proud to sit in the Howard Webb end.
=====
My wife told me that she's not shaving at the moment. She calls it "Keeping warm for winter". I call it "Using your vibrator until spring".
=====
My Grandad woke up with a puzzled look on his face. The daft bastard had fallen asleep on his jigsaw.
=====
If it's illegal to buy stolen property, then why is it legal to buy land in America?
=====
I thought I'd made an effort to compliment my wife, but it ended in an argument. How was I suppose to know she wasn't celebrating Movember.
=====
A venture capital group have bought ailing electrical retailer Comet for just £2. However they were conned into buying a £50m extended warranty to go with it.
=====
I agree with these Protesting Students.... I'd be pissed off too if I was being charged £9,000 a year for lectures that I couldn't be arsed getting out of bed to attend.
=====
Burglar Alarm (n) : The look of panic on an intruder's face when he notices the home-owner at the top of the stairs..........holding a shotgun.
=====
BBC Sport - "McLaren driver Lewis Hamilton plans to avoid another crash with Ferrari's Felipe Massa in the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix"
Genius, why didn't he think of that ealier?!
=====
What did T-Rex's do if they were happy and they knew it?
=====
Apple recently released a new product, the iRonic.
Sales figures have been quite poor though, noone in America got it.
=====
My mate had a Harry potter themed party, last weekend.
I couldn't be arsed, so i just sent my cat.
=====
My Geordie mate was distraught at the prospect of his beloved Newcastle United playing at "The Sports Direct Arena".
An insider at the club assured him it will never happen.
Because the team will be called "The Findus Crispy Chicken All-Stars" from next month.
=====
Should Optimus Prime take out car insurance or life insurance?
=====
I dialled 999 today.
I said, "I've got a tree stuck up my cat."
The operator laughed and said, "You mean you've got a cat stuck up your tree?"
"No."
=====
Apparently Prince William is to be 'posted to the Falkand Island.
I know The Queen gets her stamps on the cheap but surely they could have got the poor bastard a seat on a plane.
=====
Thought of the day..........Why the fuck do people dress up in full camouflage gear to go fishing????
=====
Sleep is my drug, bed is my dealer, my alarm clock is the police.
=====
So Jimmy Saville`s dead.
I can`t say im sorry really.
My life was never the same after he fixed it for me to go camping with Gary Glitter!
_
So let me get this stright, a red arrows pilot dies because he failed to eject when crashing, and this week a second dies while trying
to eject while not crashing, infact not even flying..... seems to me that instead of dicking about with smoke, they might want to
run through ejection procedures again
=====
I thought I'd spice up my sex life with a bit of revealing dressing up.
So I had a wank with a fingerless glove.
=====
Today is 11/11/11.
Or, if you are American, 11/11/11.
=====
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Then it's still all fun and games, just without depth perception.
=====
I just won an innuendo competition.
I had to beat off some stiff competition though.
=====
According to FIFA, having a red poppy embroidered on your shirt is a sign of a political statement.
Surely a national anthem makes slightly more political noise than a little red drawing on your sleeve.
=====
I was very surprised to find out this morning that my train was going to arrive on time for the first time in months,
So I eased up on the speed & pulled into the station 20 minutes late.
=====
Remembrance Sunday next week.
My dyslexic workmate came into work the other day wearing a Puppy.
=====
BBC news: The government says it would be able to hand over as much as £40bn to the IMF
As chairman of the unemployed dyslexics society I would like to thank the government on bringing this DIY chain back to
life and hope the jobs will follow.
=====
The wife told me she wanted a nose job yesterday.
I told her I'd prefer anal.
=====
I was in this posh restaurant and couldn't believe it when I saw Justin Bieber choking at the next table.
I sprang into action and started slapping him.
Someone shouted, "You're supposed to be slapping his back!"
"Fuck off, I know what I'm doing," I replied.
=====
Newcastle United midfielder Danny Guthrie is to be offered the new contract he wanted by Mike Ashley on the condition
he changes his name to Donnay Guthrie.
=====
What do you give a Greek man with a scratchcard?
A coin.
=====
Self Harm: Domestic violence for lonely people.
=====
BBC News: Frankie has left The X Factor.
And news just reaching us, there is a severe shortage of fucks to give.
=====
After the big crash on the M5, police said that they expect the number of dead to rise.
That's all we need, fucking zombie crash victims.
=====
According to the news, the jobs situation is worse than it looks.
He's fucking dead, how much worse can it get?!
=====
Justin Bieber baby claims are "demonstrably false," says spokeswoman.
They've run some tests and his hymen is still intact.
=====
My Jewish mate got caught cheating by his wife.
He's growing her some flowers.
=====
I stopped at a zebra crossing today, to let an old granny cross the road.
"Could you walk any slower?" I roared out the window. "Get a fucking move on, you old bag!"
"What an ill-mannered young man!" She spat. "People like you shouldn't be allowed on the road."
"Well, we'll let the examiner decide that when I've finished, won't we?" I replied.
=====
A sailor comes back to his home port after a long sea voyage and heads straight for the nearest brothel.
"I need a woman to suck my dick," he tells the madame.
"Sure," says the madame and signals to a gorgeous brunette.
The sailor goes into a room with the whore, drops his trousers and she starts sucking away. After five or ten minutes:
"It's not getting hard, you know," says the whore.
"It's not supposed to get hard," says the sailor, "just clean."
=====
After watching a few zombie films I've come to the conclusion that I would be a cameraman in the event of a zombie-apocalypse.
They never seem to attack them.
=====
My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school.
So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.
=====
If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road'
Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.
=====
There's nothing worse than walking in on your mum having a shit..........On your dad.
=====
What has two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone.
=====
Last night, I thought it would be funny to try and impress people by pulling the cloth from a table without breaking anything.
Far from being impressed, the members of the snooker club were extremely pissed off.
=====
Michael Jackson Jury Verdict - "Drugs were bad"
Mmkay.
=====
I saw a fat woman down the pub and her T-shirt said "Watch out, I'm a maneater!"
I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."
She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"
I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all."
She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?."
"That's not how you spell Manatee."
So let me get this stright, a red arrows pilot dies because he failed to eject when crashing, and this week a second dies while trying
to eject while not crashing, infact not even flying..... seems to me that instead of dicking about with smoke, they might want to
run through ejection procedures again
=====
I thought I'd spice up my sex life with a bit of revealing dressing up.
So I had a wank with a fingerless glove.
=====
Today is 11/11/11.
Or, if you are American, 11/11/11.
=====
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Then it's still all fun and games, just without depth perception.
=====
I just won an innuendo competition.
I had to beat off some stiff competition though.
=====
According to FIFA, having a red poppy embroidered on your shirt is a sign of a political statement.
Surely a national anthem makes slightly more political noise than a little red drawing on your sleeve.
=====
I was very surprised to find out this morning that my train was going to arrive on time for the first time in months,
So I eased up on the speed & pulled into the station 20 minutes late.
=====
Remembrance Sunday next week.
My dyslexic workmate came into work the other day wearing a Puppy.
=====
BBC news: The government says it would be able to hand over as much as £40bn to the IMF
As chairman of the unemployed dyslexics society I would like to thank the government on bringing this DIY chain back to
life and hope the jobs will follow.
=====
The wife told me she wanted a nose job yesterday.
I told her I'd prefer anal.
=====
I was in this posh restaurant and couldn't believe it when I saw Justin Bieber choking at the next table.
I sprang into action and started slapping him.
Someone shouted, "You're supposed to be slapping his back!"
"Fuck off, I know what I'm doing," I replied.
=====
Newcastle United midfielder Danny Guthrie is to be offered the new contract he wanted by Mike Ashley on the condition
he changes his name to Donnay Guthrie.
=====
What do you give a Greek man with a scratchcard?
A coin.
=====
Self Harm: Domestic violence for lonely people.
=====
BBC News: Frankie has left The X Factor.
And news just reaching us, there is a severe shortage of fucks to give.
=====
After the big crash on the M5, police said that they expect the number of dead to rise.
That's all we need, fucking zombie crash victims.
=====
According to the news, the jobs situation is worse than it looks.
He's fucking dead, how much worse can it get?!
=====
Justin Bieber baby claims are "demonstrably false," says spokeswoman.
They've run some tests and his hymen is still intact.
=====
My Jewish mate got caught cheating by his wife.
He's growing her some flowers.
=====
I stopped at a zebra crossing today, to let an old granny cross the road.
"Could you walk any slower?" I roared out the window. "Get a fucking move on, you old bag!"
"What an ill-mannered young man!" She spat. "People like you shouldn't be allowed on the road."
"Well, we'll let the examiner decide that when I've finished, won't we?" I replied.
=====
A sailor comes back to his home port after a long sea voyage and heads straight for the nearest brothel.
"I need a woman to suck my dick," he tells the madame.
"Sure," says the madame and signals to a gorgeous brunette.
The sailor goes into a room with the whore, drops his trousers and she starts sucking away. After five or ten minutes:
"It's not getting hard, you know," says the whore.
"It's not supposed to get hard," says the sailor, "just clean."
=====
After watching a few zombie films I've come to the conclusion that I would be a cameraman in the event of a zombie-apocalypse.
They never seem to attack them.
=====
My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school.
So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.
=====
If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road'
Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.
=====
There's nothing worse than walking in on your mum having a shit..........On your dad.
=====
What has two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone.
=====
Last night, I thought it would be funny to try and impress people by pulling the cloth from a table without breaking anything.
Far from being impressed, the members of the snooker club were extremely pissed off.
=====
Michael Jackson Jury Verdict - "Drugs were bad"
Mmkay.
=====
I saw a fat woman down the pub and her T-shirt said "Watch out, I'm a maneater!"
I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."
She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"
I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all."
She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?."
"That's not how you spell Manatee."