Vidal Sassoon advert: Get the look.
Can't see limp and lifeless being that popular.
=====
I spent the night in a haunted house once and made a run for it when I heard steps coming from upstairs.
I don't know which sick bastard was playing the CD but I didn't hang around to find out.
=====
I'll act my age when I'm 69.
=====
If I had a pound for every time David Cameron said he was going to sort the countries problems out, I'd be rich enough to live under a Tory government.
=====
Just met Will.i.am's guilty brother.
Will.i.admit
=====
My wife was sort of flattered when I told her she was the double of my favourite porn star.
Her mood changed however when I told her I meant Ron Jeremy.
=====
CALENDAR FACT! All the seasons are named after coils of metal.
Except Winter and Summer..........And Autumn.
=====
BBC News: Images of Michael Jackson are to appear on cans of Pepsi to mark the 25th anniversary of the release of his album 'Bad'.
So, nearly 3 years after his death, he's still finding his way down children's throats.
=====
Sky SPorts News: Afterwatching his performance against Liverpool, Bayern Munich are to appeal John Terry's CL final suspension.
=====
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
=====
Ear Sex - Once you go Black.
You go Deaf.
=====
A guy from the RSPCA knocked on my door this morning.
He said, "We've had a complaint that you've been overfeeding your cat. Apparently it weighs the best part of 4 stone."
I said, "It's not a cat."
"Oh" he replied, "There must be a mistake, is it a dog?"
"No, it's a hamster."
=====
"Oh my," I chuckled, "You look just like this girl I did anal with at my mates 17th birthday party."
"Anyway, my name's Pete and I'm here for the job interview."
=====
A couple of people have advised me to get as high as possible on December 21st to avoid the floods.
Now I just need to decide between Ibiza or Amsterdam.
=====
I just bought an adult DVD which had "Warning: Contains Sexual Content" written on the front.
When I got home and opened the box, a used condom fell out.
=====
I went to see play called 'Fly Fishing' last night.
The cast was amazing.
=====
I think sexist is such a harsh word.
I prefer the term 'correct.'
=====
I've just broke down half way between a male strip club and the local Clintons shop..
Now I'm stuck between a cock and a card place.
=====
What do you call Will.i.am's lazy brother?
Will.i.fuck
=====
There's a sexy Necrophiliac living in our neighbourhood.
Everyone's dying to get in her knickers.
=====
Islamic extremists planned to blow up a plane with an explosive device hidden inside underwear.
Apparently it was their version of a dirty bomb.
=====
Wind farms weren't built to produce electricity.
The American government had them built to keep the Earth spinning at the correct speed rather than combat obesity.
=====
What's Bob short for?
Diabetes claimed both his legs.
=====
My son excitedly ran up to me earlier, shouting 'dad, dad, look what I've learnt"
He stood in front of me and started performing...
"You put your left leg in, your left leg out, in, out, in, out, shake it all about"
"I think I know what it is, son.." I interrupted.
"Hold on dad, I've not finished yet!" and he continued...
"You put your right arm in, your right arm out, in, out, in, out..."
He then stopped and looked at me expectantly.
"It's the hokey-cokey son!" I exclaimed.
"No dad! It's the only known way to sexually pleasure Katie Price!"
=====
ITV News: Aled Jones and Lorriane Kelly are proving to be a popular choice to host Daybreak on ITV.
Then again, so was asbestos.
=====
I have sexdaily, I mean dyslexia!
Loblocks!
=====
If I could re-arrange the alphabet
I'd be one vicious and powerful dictator.
=====
30 days in September, April, June and November.
No it's not. It's 120.
=====
"There's no room for racism in snooker", say the men who get most points for pottting the black.
=====
Nature abhors a vacuum
Dyson on the other hand is making a good living from them.
=====
I hate my job as a window cleaner in Provence.
Aix and panes everywhere.
=====
I saw my teenage daughter in the local red light district tonight and was in shock at her language.
"You're absolutely fucking degrading yourself! There's other ways of making money," she shouted at me.
=====
This week the French people are waking up to a new President.
Meanwhile, Carla Bruni's waking up next to an unemployed French midget.
I give it six months.
Can't see limp and lifeless being that popular.
=====
I spent the night in a haunted house once and made a run for it when I heard steps coming from upstairs.
I don't know which sick bastard was playing the CD but I didn't hang around to find out.
=====
I'll act my age when I'm 69.
=====
If I had a pound for every time David Cameron said he was going to sort the countries problems out, I'd be rich enough to live under a Tory government.
=====
Just met Will.i.am's guilty brother.
Will.i.admit
=====
My wife was sort of flattered when I told her she was the double of my favourite porn star.
Her mood changed however when I told her I meant Ron Jeremy.
=====
CALENDAR FACT! All the seasons are named after coils of metal.
Except Winter and Summer..........And Autumn.
=====
BBC News: Images of Michael Jackson are to appear on cans of Pepsi to mark the 25th anniversary of the release of his album 'Bad'.
So, nearly 3 years after his death, he's still finding his way down children's throats.
=====
Sky SPorts News: Afterwatching his performance against Liverpool, Bayern Munich are to appeal John Terry's CL final suspension.
=====
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
=====
Ear Sex - Once you go Black.
You go Deaf.
=====
A guy from the RSPCA knocked on my door this morning.
He said, "We've had a complaint that you've been overfeeding your cat. Apparently it weighs the best part of 4 stone."
I said, "It's not a cat."
"Oh" he replied, "There must be a mistake, is it a dog?"
"No, it's a hamster."
=====
"Oh my," I chuckled, "You look just like this girl I did anal with at my mates 17th birthday party."
"Anyway, my name's Pete and I'm here for the job interview."
=====
A couple of people have advised me to get as high as possible on December 21st to avoid the floods.
Now I just need to decide between Ibiza or Amsterdam.
=====
I just bought an adult DVD which had "Warning: Contains Sexual Content" written on the front.
When I got home and opened the box, a used condom fell out.
=====
I went to see play called 'Fly Fishing' last night.
The cast was amazing.
=====
I think sexist is such a harsh word.
I prefer the term 'correct.'
=====
I've just broke down half way between a male strip club and the local Clintons shop..
Now I'm stuck between a cock and a card place.
=====
What do you call Will.i.am's lazy brother?
Will.i.fuck
=====
There's a sexy Necrophiliac living in our neighbourhood.
Everyone's dying to get in her knickers.
=====
Islamic extremists planned to blow up a plane with an explosive device hidden inside underwear.
Apparently it was their version of a dirty bomb.
=====
Wind farms weren't built to produce electricity.
The American government had them built to keep the Earth spinning at the correct speed rather than combat obesity.
=====
What's Bob short for?
Diabetes claimed both his legs.
=====
My son excitedly ran up to me earlier, shouting 'dad, dad, look what I've learnt"
He stood in front of me and started performing...
"You put your left leg in, your left leg out, in, out, in, out, shake it all about"
"I think I know what it is, son.." I interrupted.
"Hold on dad, I've not finished yet!" and he continued...
"You put your right arm in, your right arm out, in, out, in, out..."
He then stopped and looked at me expectantly.
"It's the hokey-cokey son!" I exclaimed.
"No dad! It's the only known way to sexually pleasure Katie Price!"
=====
ITV News: Aled Jones and Lorriane Kelly are proving to be a popular choice to host Daybreak on ITV.
Then again, so was asbestos.
=====
I have sexdaily, I mean dyslexia!
Loblocks!
=====
If I could re-arrange the alphabet
I'd be one vicious and powerful dictator.
=====
30 days in September, April, June and November.
No it's not. It's 120.
=====
"There's no room for racism in snooker", say the men who get most points for pottting the black.
=====
Nature abhors a vacuum
Dyson on the other hand is making a good living from them.
=====
I hate my job as a window cleaner in Provence.
Aix and panes everywhere.
=====
I saw my teenage daughter in the local red light district tonight and was in shock at her language.
"You're absolutely fucking degrading yourself! There's other ways of making money," she shouted at me.
=====
This week the French people are waking up to a new President.
Meanwhile, Carla Bruni's waking up next to an unemployed French midget.
I give it six months.
I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow.
"Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?"
"Sticks?"
=====
Samuel L Jackson's finally passed his driving test.
He'll now be known as Samuel Jackson.
=====
Half a dozen
Because "six" is way too long.
=====
I hate it when my Korean girlfriend gives me those puppy dog eyes.
The only way I can swallow them is to imagine they are cherry tomatoes.
=====
The Director of Rugby at Wasps is Dai Young.
His parents must fucking hate him.
=====
My mate: My parents have gone to India with some friends.
Me: Mumbai?
My mate: No, I don't think it's that kind of trip.
=====
I farted while lifting a heavy object today.
It was very embarrassing.
I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.
=====
A man calls 999....
Operator: Emergency services....
Man: I think my wife is dead....
Operator: right, have you checked for any vital signs yet?
Man: Yeah, i've stuck my cock in her arse three times now and she hasn't complained once.
=====
'All's well that ends well'
Maybe except for, 'I'm trapped down a...'
=====
"Have your cake and eat it too".
What the fuck else are you supposed to do with cake?
=====
I burst out onto in the aisle of the plane and yelled, "Does anybody know how to fly one of these things!?"
Everybody stared on in horrified silence.
As the stewardess calmly asked me to sit down and put the kite away.
=====
The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving...
It must have something to do with being naked.
=====
There are 650 Trillion different possible games of Chess.
Its taken me a while to figure this out, but now I am 100% sure I will die a virgin.
=====
'Clinton Cards Enter Administration'.
Thinking of you at this difficult time.
=====
Matt Damon's wife has threatened to divorce him unless he shaves more regularly.
It's the Braun Ultimatum.
=====
I've learnt something.
When arguing with a woman, if I am armed with only facts and logic, I'm completely fucked.
=====
When my girlfriend's feeling kinky she puts on her Elizabethan outfit.
She loves a bit of ruff sex.
=====
If a lesbian couple are in a physical fight is that domestic violence or awesome?
=====
Barrack Obama is said to be shocked at the news that the Clintons are in administration.
=====
I've found my new hobby- Drinking heavily and online shopping.
Because it feels great to drink, and even better to shop. But if feels spectacular to receive surprise gifts from myself in the mail.
=====
I love Google earth.
I always use it to check if there are parking spaces at work before leaving the house.
=====
Most people are outraged that a group of immigrants have been running a paedophile gang.
Not me though, as I have 10,000 shares of Daily Mail stock.
=====
When people say I care too much about what other people think, I reply tearfully "Do you really think that?"
=====
After getting married for the third time last Saturday, I couldn't help but think, "This vicar has clearly been drinking."
=====
Sky News: Jordan is seeking a new Gynaecologyst.
Apparently Dyna-Rod are putting a bid in.
=====
I was struggling to spell Anders Breivik.
Then I remembered that rhyme.
I before E unless you've done a killing spree.
=====
I visited the animal rescue centre today and got a dog with no legs.
My girlfriend thinks I'm an amazingly caring man.
I'm not, I just really hate walking.
=====
I've just met Will.I.Am's arrogant cousin.
Well.I.Amit
=====
Clinton's are recycling 45th birthday cards by putting a P infront of them and handing them out to staff.
=====
There are to be tighter controls on internet porn.
After the "are you over 18" button, they're going to add a tick box saying "Really?
=====
I have a way of getting Clinton Cards out of administration.
Punch Piers Morgan in the face, and the amount of "Thank You" cards I'd get would put them back in the black.
=====
Traditional Philosophy: If a tree falls in the woods and nobody's arounnd, does it make a sound.
Modern philosophy: If I went to the gym but didn't write a facebook status about it, did it ever really happen?
=====
West Brom striker Peter Odemwingie has said that new England manager Roy Hodgson 'brings out the best in average teams'.
Liverpool. - discuss.
=====
If you're happy and you know it, please get along to the theatre where Snow White and the other six dwarves are waiting for you.
=====
I rang up the Samaritans today I said, "Hi, what's the best way to end my life?"
"Get married."
=====
My wife was really angry when she got diagnosed with Parkinsons disease.
And even more so when I said holding my cock in her hand will make her feel better.
=====
With Sarkozy gone that means Carla Bruni is gone as well.
So the sexiest first lady in European politics is now Nick Clegg.
=====
I always give women a good time in the bedroom.
Well, it's a good time by 100m sprint standards.
=====
I wanted to take a shower earlier.
Fucking B & Q security stopped me.
Bastards.
=====
Why did the paedophile priest cross the road?
Because there was a bus coming, and I pushed the fucker.