BBC News: Rolf Harris's lawyer says Harris already feels 'depressed' in prison.
Hard to believe that just a week ago he was a happy, well-adjusted paedophile.
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I haven't seen David Luiz this upset since Bart and Lisa got him sent to prison.
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Vanessa Feltz: Rolf Harris sexually assaulted me on live TV in 1996.
When that happened, she was 34.
He's a convicted paedophile.
Shut up and fade back off onto Radio 2 you no talent media slag.
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My mate booked a holiday to Magaluf.
When he got there, he found the hotel was miles from any clubs, there were no female guests and the rooms were stocked with hand lotion and Kleenex.
He reckons it's the last time he booking self-catering.
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Vannesa Feltz has stated today, she can still almost feel Rolf's hand on her leg as it crept up her calf, under her breast and onto her thigh.
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I have the attention of a goldfish.
It's been watching me for several minutes now.
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The average bloke thinks about sex once every six tits.
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There should be a Life On Mars Special where Gene Hunt goes round arresting all the TV presenters from the 1970's.
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I come from a long line of Conga dancers.
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These new mortgage applications are a bit personal.
Q14. How do you intend to repay your mortgage at the end of the 30 year term?
a) ISA/Investment
b) Endowment
c) Suddenly remembering you gave Rolf Harris a blowjob on the M4.
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I decided that something had to be done for all those poor African children who are going blind because of inadequate eyecare.
So I sent over all the Specsavers leaflets that fall out of my Sunday papers every fucking week.
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Wow. 7-1
In a World Cup Semi Final too.
I felt sorriest for Julio Cesar.
Last time I saw a Brazilian facing this many shots, he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.
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'Vanessa Feltz abused me when I was younger'.
-Greggs.
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Daily Express: Rolf's wife did not attend court for his sentencing today .
Mainly because his jail term would have been over before she got back to the fucking car.
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Brazilian football is like Miley Cyrus.
It used to be beautiful, but now it's just dirty.
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I was fortunate that before Freddie Mercury died, I was able to see Queen in a Stadium concert.
There was a terribly scary electrical storm during the performance though.
Thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening.
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Australian TV have aired Oscar Pistorius's re-enactment of the shooting of Reeva Steenkamp.
This will be followed by a re-enactment of Rolf Harris touching up Vanessa Feltz, starring Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby.
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All passengers are advised to have their electronics charged when they get to the airport for extra security checks.
You're fucked if you own anything by Apple and live more than a 20 minute drive away!
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There hasn't been a Brazilian as bad as Fred since Stevie Wonder shaved his wife.
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TV Guide: Sunday 8pm, World Cup Final: Germany vs Argentina.
Clear proof that, if there is a god, he's laughing at England.
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Rolf Harris called the Prison Governor to his cell to show him a picture he'd done of the sun setting over Ayers rock, with kangaroos frolicking in the foreground and a trio of aborigine warriors carefully studying their motions, preparing for the hunt.
"That's shit," said the Governor.
"Of course it is," agreed Rolf, "but if you'd let me have paint..."
I feel desperately sorry for the holidaymaker filmed in Magaluf giving blowjobs to 24 men in the mistaken belief that she would win a holiday.
Now that it turns out that the prize was just a cocktail, she probably feels like a bit of a slut.
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Apparently Rolf fingered Vanessa Feltz's blowhole and because of that, her cries for help were only audible on sonar.
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Pornhub: While we appreciate the participation of our users in uploading videos, will everyone now stop posting videos of Germany vs Brazil.
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Out of the news for years, Vanessa Feltz now claims that Rolf Harris touched her up.
She obviously couldn't find 24 blokes to suck off in Frinton-on-Sea.
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BBC News: A Christian bakery in Belfast has refused to bake a "Gay Cake" because is against their beliefs and what the bible teaches
I don't recall the bible having a cookery section.
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David Luiz: possibly the biggest waste of money on a Paris defence since the Maginot Line.
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Ok, I admit I was wrong about Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris, but this time I'm sure I'm right.
Cliff Richard is no paedophile.
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Last night I went to a positive thinking workshop.
The class is half empty.
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More bad news for Rolf Harris, as Kentucky Fried Chicken announced today that his image will no longer be appearing on any of their future advertising.
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"Vanessa never touched me"
- The free salad bar at Harvester
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Why haven't you done the dishes?
Why haven't you hoovered up?
Why haven't you cleaned the car? Go and empty the rubbish bins.
Go clean the house!
Why haven't you done the windows?
Go and put the washing machine on.
Go and dry the washing.
Go and do the cooking.
Why haven't you done the shopping?
Having Schizophrenia is like fucking being with my ex.
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BBC News: Rolf Harris faces serious charges over Vanessa Feltz
What's that for then - her burger bill?
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At least Brazil has a new World Champion.
Julio Cesar.
Dodgeball champion.
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I've decided to include the names of Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris and a few MPs on my tax return this year, in the hope it somehow gets mislaid.
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Look on the bright side Brazil.
You haven't got far to go home.
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Just saw an old lady crossing the road.
So I did the boy scout thing and used two sticks to set her on fire.
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Man: "Your hair's lovely, by the way."
Woman: "Aw, thanks," she smiled. "Most of the pervs I go out with just stare at my tits, so it's a nice change to get a comment about my hair.
"Not a problem, I noticed when you uncrossed your legs earlier."
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I'm worried.
One of my cocks is bigger than the other.
Is that normal?
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I work for a successful party planners' and at the weekend I had to supply the decorations for some 10year-old whizzkid's computer game-themed party.
Seventy three, four-foot Tetris blocks I had to get down from the top shelf of the warehouse.
I only wanted 10, but every time I got 5 stacked in the van, they fucking disappeared.
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"You can't take it with you when you go."
Fucking Customs officers spoil everything.
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Frances de la Tour says she doesn't know what the fuss is because she has never even ridden a bike.
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My brother and I both have inferiority complexes.
He handles his much better than I do though.
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My girlfriend said I'm obsessed with fly tipping.
So I dumped her.
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Have you ever woken up after a night of boozing and your mouth feels like you've licked out your Gran?
Yeah, me too.
That's why I had to stop drinking with her.
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If there is one thing I have learnt today, through people posting the same fucking story on Face Book, its that elephants can actually cry tears.
Especially if they have been touched up by Rolf Harris.
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BBC News: Gaza takes heavy pounding from Israeli military.
Just when you thought the Geordie piss head couldn't sink any lower.