In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.
The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.
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My two Rottweilers can protect the house from any burglar.
Unless they bring a Hoover with them.
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MUSIC FACT: The Beatles song, "Love Me Do" was written by John Lennon after he'd had a really good haircut.
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Splash - a great concept ruined by the addition of water.
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I was ready to delete my eBay account today, infuriated at all the emails claiming; "this week £0 insertion fee"
It was only on closer inspection that I realised I'd accidentally subscribed to Katie Price on twitter.
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Apparently, the man who had a hand transplant from an Eastern European donor is pretty annoyed.
He's not even out of hospital, and it's already groped a young nurse, unlocked his phone, and texted his boss offering to do his work for less than minimum wage.
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"Excuse me, Miss. Would you like some upsexy?"
"What's upsexy?"
"Nothing much. And yourself?"
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So, Mark Cahill has received a hand transplant.
I thought that happened years ago, at the end of The Empire Strikes Back.
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My mate just texted me. He thinks his wife's trying to inject a little bit of spice back into their sex life.
Apparently, she's packed the kids off to her sister's, unplugged the tv, taken the phone off the hook, had a candle-lit bath and given herself a Brazilian.
And now she's parading around the house in nothing but her bra and G-rope.
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There are some parts of Qatar that still don't have electricity.
They call them the acoustic regions.
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Wouldn't it be entertaining if, just for a laugh they put some celebrities in to Big Brother this year.
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"What's your favorite mythical creature?"
"Those happy women in tampax adverts."
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If there is a draw on ITV's Splash, it goes into sudden death.
Michael Barrymore will host it.
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My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.
According to her lawyer, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend.
I had an awkward moment today when my boss went to shake my hand on a job well done whereas I thought the moment required a fist bump.
Thinking quickly, I said "Paper beats rock, well played Sir."
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Roses Are Red
Violets Are Blue
Sunflowers Are Yellow
You Probably Thought This Was Something Romantic, But No It's Gardening Facts.
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"I almost got strangled to death on my way home from the pub last night," I told my mate.
"Fucking hell!" He said, "And how did you manage to escape?"
"I started wanking and they ran off."
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America - Where getting a gun is easier than getting health care.
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Money talks.
If you've been doing acid all day.
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How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows, they'd rather sit in the dark and talk about how good the old one was.
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Jeremy Beadle's wife has announced that she will be hosting a big memorial dinner this month to mark 5 years since her husband's death.
However she is now thinking about a small finger buffet.
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What kind of sausage gives schoolchildren nightmares?
A Saville-oy.
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If you're one of those blokes who has to pay a girl for sex, I have only one question.
How shit are you at wanking?
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An unemployed guy walks onto a building site in the hope of obtaining some employment.
The foreman says,"it must be your lucky day today. Old Billy the crane operator is retiring on Friday, you can have his job. Just climb the 300 foot ladder, bang on the side widow and tell Billy I've sent you up to be trained."
The unemployed guy climbs the 300 foot ladder, bangs on the side window and explains to old Billy what the foreman had told him.
Old Billy gestures to the unemployed guy to squeeze into his cab next to him and then shows him that after he gets the crane started, he has 3 levers in front of him. "Pull this one on the left," says old Billy, "and it moves the crane to the left, push it back and it centralizes it." Likewise," says old Billy, "with the lever on the right hand side."
"The lever in the middle, operates your boom and jib, depending on where you need to put your load down," says old Billy.
"O.K got that," says the unemployed guy, "but what happens when you need to take a piss?"
Old Billy says, "I'm just about ready to show you that as I do need a piss. All you do is carefully walk out on the arm of the crane and piss over the side, by the time it hits the ground it's evaporated. Just sit there and don't touch anything,"says old Billy.
So old Billy eases out onto the arm of the crane when the unemployed guy accidentally moves one of the levers and old Billy falls off the crane.
At the coroners inquest the coroner asks,"can anybody shed any light on the unfortunate death of old Billy?"
One of the brickies stood up, "I think old Billy was a sex maniac. I was bricking up, about 2 storeys up, when I looked over the side and saw 3 gorgeous blondes walking through the site, and as I looked up I saw old Billy coming down, cock in his hand yelling, CUUUUUUUNT!"