Anyone else see the irony when McDonald's staff greet an overweight customer with "Sorry about your wait".
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I don't bother with the Grand National any more. Last year my horse started off at 33/1 at Aintree, and ended up at 2 for 1 at Tesco.
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A woman just asked me if I thought she was wearing too much make-up.
I said it depended on whether she was going to kill Batman or not
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I bought a toilet brush 5 days ago.
Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.
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Oscarpistoriosis.
Definition:Being afraid to go to the toilet at your boyfriend's house.
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Lynx Deodorant.
For when you want to smell like a 14 year-old's guilty wank.
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Hello and welcome to the paranoia helpline.
I am your real Dad.
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BBC News: New York homeless people bite 10 times more humans than sharks do.
I suppose that's because there's not many sharks in New York.
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I can't believe I won this year's scepticism award.
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My OCD can run circles around your anxiety disorder.
Perfect, organised circles.
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A wise man once told me that if your good at something you should never do it for free.
And that ladies is why I'm a virgin.
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I joined an Antisocial Support Group five years ago.
It hasn't done me any good.
I'm dreading our first meeting.
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BBC News: Vandals tip over Smart cars in San Francisco.
Although it could have just been a strong breeze.
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As a single man, nothing depresses me more than the thought that even Hitler had a girlfriend.
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I see Porsche are releasing a car called the Macan.
I guess there's only room for two kids in the back then.
I don't understand why animal welfare members complain that Animals are not treated like humans and that they should be.
They are treated equally or in some cases better.
If you got to your local zoo and then to a council estate in Liverpool you will know what I mean.
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On the way home from the pub last night, I found the instructor from my karate club at the pavement edge, struggling to get to his feet.
He had a broken nose, two black eyes and a broken arm.
I helped him up and said, "Wow, mate, I thought you were a black belt."
"Sadly, it doesn't work on cars."
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The lady on the Pine-Sol commercial told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most.
This is going to sting.
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Top 5 most deadly occupations:
5. Miner
4. Helicopter Pilot
3. Construction Worker
2. Soldier
1. Celebrity in their 20's
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The best part about legalizing marijuana would be not ever having to listen to anyone else explain to me why we should legalize marijuana.
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A bloke came up to me in the pub today and said to me: "I bet I've shagged 20 times more women than you have".
"20 times 0 equals 0."
That shut the fucker up.
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If Reeva Steenkamp had taken a shit with the door open all this palaver would never have happened.
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The doctor told me to introduce more greens to my diet.
The cupboards now full of mint Aero's.
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BBC News: 20 People Injured In Stabbing At Pennsylvania High School.
"We're delighted" said a spokesman for the NRA
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A blind man sold shoelaces at ten pence a pair on the same street corner for ten years. A guy used to walk past everyday and put ten pence in the box and never take any laces. One day, the man is walking towards the blind guy and he is just about to put his daily ten pence in the box, when the blind man suddenly said,
" I know you, your the guy who has walked past here for the last ten years put ten pence in the box, and never bought any laces."
"Yea how did you know that"
"Recognize the walk but sadly I've got some bad news for you"
"What's that then"
"They've gone up."