I've just posted an abusive comment about the McCanns on my ex's Twitter profile.
Now I wait.
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If I had a pound for every time I got suspicious.
I'd wonder who the fuck was paying me,
and why.
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BBC News: "Rolf Harris Has Been Banned From Pursuing His Favourite Activity In Jail".
His favourite activity was banned on the outside as well but that didn't fucking stop him.
Twat.
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As I dipped my finger in a Cadbury's Cream Egg, I fondly recalled the time I was the 12th guy in a gang bang.
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"Why did the postman cross the road?"
"I don't know".
"Me neither. My paranoia is getting worse."
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"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Sky News."
"Fuck."
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You've got to feel a bit of sympathy for Justin Bieber.
He's been to every single Justin Bieber concert.
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If you took all the Bibles and Korans ever printed and laid them end to end, they would form a six foot wall around the earth.
Then all the fundamentalist Christians and Muslims could fuck off and live behind it.
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BBC News: News: "Lab-grown penises ready for testing on men"
Now I'm no scientist but I can see a fundamental error here.
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Shitting myself about this Ebola situation.
Which is worrying, because that's one of the symptoms.
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Prince William has told Paparazzi to stop trying to take photographs of Prince George, and has threatened court action.
William is quoted as saying, "My son must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible"
"Now get away from our castle."
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SKY News: McCann's troll found dead in a hotel room."
Technically, does this now make them serial killers?
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Just dropped my old Nokia on the floor and it broke.
Time to get some new flooring.
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If I had £1 for every time I got confused in maths, I'd have 3lb 8oz and 5mm by now.
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BBC News: Nick Clegg says that he is determined that 'Jihadi John' will be brought to justice.
Taking into account what Clegg said about tuition fees, I've had a tenner on 'John' being Justice Minister by this time next year.
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"My next door neighbour Mr Patel has given his son an Indian name, he must be daft."
"There's nothing daft about that. What's he called him?"
"Crazy Horse."
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First Dave, aged 22, accused me of suffering with OCD.
Then Bill, aged 41, agreed with him.
Now Pete, aged 36, is saying it as well.
Personally I reckon they're out of order
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I did ten lines Wednesday.
Still won fuck all on the lottery.
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My Ex likes bringing up the past so much that Tony Robinson asked her to join Time Team.
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SKY News: McCann Twitter troll found dead in hotel room.
Her parents said they only left her for a short time while they went out for dinner.
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A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.
I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.
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I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.
Why the fuck did you tell them that?
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Bit careless of the McCanns to leave a body.
Thought they had more experience than that.
Just had that difficult conversation with my kids about internet porn.
All I could manage was, "I was young, needed the money and it was cold."
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If God didn't want us to have sex with goats why did he put the horns in such a handy position.
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My doctor says I should quit my 40 a day habit.
Otherwise my balls will dry up and my cock will drop off.
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My mate brought me some Hitler wine back from holiday.
It's alright, but there's a nazi aftertaste.
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I've always been amazed at how long turtles can live.
Especially when their diet mainly consists of pizza and soft drinks.
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What do you call a Cuban dictator with no head?
Infidel Castro.
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All these silly conspiracy theories about this twitter troll, and trying to blame the McCann's is utterly ridiculous, they had nothing to do with it, anyway they have the perfect alibi.
They went out for dinner.
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Kim Kardashian likes her men, the same way she likes her coffee.
Without any musical talent whatsoever.
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I saw flashing lights in my rear view mirror last night and had that cold moment when I thought it was the police.
Turns out that I'd just reversed into a nightclub.
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You could completely eliminate the semicolon from keyboards and 90% of people wouldn't notice.
Until they needed to wink at somebody.
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"Spillage Aisle 4!"
To be honest, I thought being a cleaner in a sex shop would be more fun than this.
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What do you call an Irish Rastafarian?
Ea-monn.
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For God's sake, I'm an atheist!
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I was really shocked when I got a phone call from my credit card company telling me someone had cloned my card.
There's now some stupid bastard out there as skint as I am.
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I set a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbours' smoke alarm.
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BBC News: The UK has announced an advance screening for Ebola at all airports.
Why would they show a movie at an airport?
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"Anything to declare?"
"Yep. Ebola."
"Carry on through sir, have a nice stay."
"Anything to declare?"
"Yep five hundred Benson & Hedges"
"Step this way sir.".
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I played Bonopoly last night.
It's like Monopoly but where the streets have no name.
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BBC NEWS:Australian woman lost in bush for 17 days.
Sources say she could probably do with a trim
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My girlfriends a black belt, so no one gives us any grief when we go out.
They must think, "steer clear of that nutter kissing a piece of leather".