I found a video on my wife's phone of me shagging her.
I don't remember filming this but it must have been on holiday, I've got a great tan and my cock looks massive.
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"Spot the Obvious Mistake"
Possibly the cruelest book in the Spot the Dog series.
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Red tube at night, surfer's delight.
Red tube in morning, sex addict warning.
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"Are you from America madam?"
"You think I am American just because I am a little overweight?"
"No madam, it's because this is Tesco and we don't sell guns."
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"Why the Hell did you call me a control freak?" I asked my wife, angrily.
"Because you told me to!" she cried.
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Men: "Conversations work best if I ask you a question, then you answer it and then you ask me a question, and so on. Okay"?
Women: "Yes".
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I've got a cock that would make a girl weep.
It smells like onions.
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I've written a novel for frustrated farmers wives.
It's called '50 Sheds of Hay'.
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I saw a sign on a local restaurant window saying 'Waitress wanted'.
So I went to the nearest police station and told them where she is.
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Why are people so concerned that people now have the ability to print your own 3D gun?
If the cost of the ink is anything like 2D printers, you won't be able to fucking afford to.
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The man arrested for keeping three girls capture in his basement for over a decade has been named as 52 year old Ariel Castro.
Funny, I don't remember his BBC career.
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I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers.
Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.
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People who live in glass houses have tons of dead birds on their lawn.
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In the 1960's, the Beatles sang 'All You Need Is Love.'
But, as a lot of celebrities have been finding out recently, even back then, you also needed consent.
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My wife says I shouldn't moan when she parks several inches out from the curb.
But when I'm one inch out of place in the bedroom she goes fucking berserk.
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Pretty weird to think that the only guy in entertainment in the 60's and 70's who wasn't a sex criminal was Benny Hill.
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"I hate it when men just sit there looking at my tits." said my sister.
I don't think she's cut out to be a lap dancer.
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Instead of getting my wife a new ring, I got her 4 new rings.
Or a 'hob' as it's more commonly known.
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As I sat myself opposite my Chinese girlfriend I said, "You know what, I really don't know why people are of the opinion that all oriental's
look the same?"
"Who the fuck are you?" she replied.
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In light of the arrest of Jimmy Tarbuck, it would make more sense for the Metropolitan Police Force just to make an announcement now.
"Please report to your nearest Police Station if you worked on TV in the 1970's."
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"I hate it when men are talking to you and looking at your tits." said my wife.
"I suppose it is a bit demeaning." I agreed.
"But you shouldn't let it bother you.This new diet I'm on is supposed to be brilliant."
I bet Ken Dodd is shitting himself.
Diddy men my arse.
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Tottenham have had more Bale-outs than Greece, Ireland and Spain put together.
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Jimmy Saville, Gary Glitter, Freddie Starr, Dave Lee Travis, Max Clifford, Jim Davidson, Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and now Jimmy Tarbuck.
Only Bruce Forsyth to go and I've won Celebrity Paedo Bingo!
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I'm going missing, when I find myself in a few years the reward will be huge.
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I've persevered for a while, but I hate blowjobs and don't really like sex.
I'm starting to think I might not be gay.
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Is it true that Japanese Atheists don't believe in Godzilla.
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BBC News: Kate McCann has said that the discovery of the three women held captive in a dungeon for a decade, used as sex slaves and
impregnated, has given her new hope for Maddie.
Twisted bitch.
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So The Queen announced that her government will promote a fairer society that rewards people who work hard.
Well that's her fucked.
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I learnt an extremely interesting fact today.
If you place your penis in the palm of your hand and squeeze it until it turns blue, the person sitting next to you on the bus moves seats.
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I lie more than I masturbate.
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Heartbreak in the Mark Hughes household as he leaps up to answer his mobile phone only to be asked if he's ever been mis-sold PPI"
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The police came to my door to search for the man who robbed the joke shop down the street.
But, when they saw the nail through my finger, they let me shoot off to the hospital.
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My wife always said she wanted a big black cock.
I can't wait to see her face when she comes round from the anesthetic.
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I had sex last night.
Unfortunately it was in a game of Scrabble.
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On the sixth anniversary of her daughters disappearance, Kate McCann has returned to Portugal to "feel closer to Maddie"...
What does she know that we don't?
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"I've been waiting for you." She whispered as she bent over pulling up her nighty. "Now get over here and stick it in my arse."
I hate suppository time at Grandma's house.
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As a special treat for her birthday, I decided to try and invoke some of my wife's childhood memories.
So I fingered her then locked her in a cupboard.
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The difference between flirting and sexual harassment;
Being attractive.
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My cock nearly made a woman choke tonight.
She had a mouthful of wine when she saw how small it was.
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Stephen Hawking is boycotting a conference in Israel- even though his speech computer uses Israeli components.
In a statement he told reporters "I'm gay and love sucking black cocks".
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I was potty training with my daughter yesterday.
It's hard work, but if she can do it, then so can I.
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The other day, I came home from school and saw my parents in the living room. My dad asked me to come and sit down.
"Son, I know this may come as a surprise, but I just need to tell you that you're adopted."
Needless to say, I was shocked. I had known them all my life and it was all a lie.
I then turned to my other dad and asked: "Is that true?"
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There is a new public safety advert being shown that announces: "Two thirds of pedestrians killed at night are drunk."
Fucking vampires.
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Stockholm syndrome - you had me at "get into my van or I'll kill you"
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'The Buck stops here'.
But the Tarbuck goes much further.
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How many BMW drivers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.
If it's their fucking indicators.
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Although David Moyes is leaving to join Manchester United, Everton will always be precious to him and hold a place in his heart,
which is unfortunate really.
The last thing he found precious resulted in the deaths of several men, women, and hobbits.
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I'm that ugly the only time a woman's ever called me was when I played poker.