I reckon Michael J Fox's coffee stays in the cup longer than Manchester United.
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I asked a girl in a club what she looks for in a man & she said "A nice thick cock!".
I said "You'll love mine then, it's that thick it makes Joey Essex look intelligent".
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Do feminists get pissed off when men insist on paying the bill at the end of a date?
Trick question, feminists don't get asked out on dates.
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Manchester United were once the Goliath of English football, then along came David.
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We never hear anything from Rick Astley these days.
It's almost like he's given us up, and let us down.
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I'm no expert about the upcoming Winter Olympics, but I wouldn't back any German skiers.
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Just saw a great job advertised in motivation management.
It's perfect for me.
Fucked if I can be bothered to do my CV though.
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The Met Office has issued a warning about the storms hitting Britain but has stressed there is little chance of it causing any disruption to the UK transport system.
Because it's never fucking worked properly anyway.
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I don't understand why The Catholic Church is so opposed to abortions and the use of condoms.
It would dramatically reduce the amount of abandoned children in Catholic orphanages.
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My sex life is like a roller coaster ride.
Lots of waiting and then it's all over in 30 seconds.
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Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a super-power.
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My girlfriend had promised me a birthday BJ.
I was woken up by Barry Gibb singing 'Stayin' Alive'.
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I've just paid for my ex and her mother to go to Paris for two weeks.
That's how much I hate the fucking French.
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I don't like to label myself as 'unemployed'.
I like to think of myself as a highly trained back-up in case the entire Royal Family dies.
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My Gran's vagina is like a sandwich.
I'll eat it, but I'll avoid the crust.
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If the theory that we are all in a computer game is correct, then there's a problem for the Amish
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I really love R&B.
Fuck the rest of the alphabet though.
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My dog has never been so happy.
I got him a blow up leg for Christmas.
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So Angela Merkel has injured her pelvis while ski-ing ?
To be fair, it was never going to happen while she was having sex.
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BBC News: Scottish officials close Edinburgh airport after finding a suspicious package.
Turns out in was a pack of salad.
I can't believe people used to think the Earth was flat.
Morons.
There's hills on it and everything.
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Last year, T-Mobile's customer service department had the least complaints of all the major phone companies.
Probably because nobody's ever got enough fucking signal to ring them.
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Apparently it can take a matter of minutes to bleed to death.
Which isn't much time to come up with a plausible excuse as to how your dog came to bit your cock off.
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Why did David Cameron cross the road?
Because he said he wouldn't.
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My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.
But he's a lamp, what does he know.
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I spent 25 minutes waving to an old lady the other day.
Then I realised she was cleaning her Windows.
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Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat, then I remember they just feed off attention.
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According to Coco Chanel, you should only spray perfume where you'd like to be kissed.
Burns like fuck.
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I think the government cuts have gone a bit too far.
You wait over an hour for a bus and then none come along at once.
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I learned something very valuable when I was 6 years old.
Loft installation isn't candy floss.
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7th January 2014 - Helicopter crashes in Norfolk , England
8th January 2014 - Helicopter crashes in Norfolk , Virginia
Anyone else wondering if they're taking the whole twin town thing waaay too literally.
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I can't believe I was the victim of identity theft.
But on a positive note, my credit rating went up.
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I rang my boss yesterday morning explaining that I wouldn't be coming into work as I'd cut myself shaving.
Well he just lost it. Shouting down the phone calling my lazy, saying it was The worst excuse he had ever heard and that if I did not get into work ASAP I would be instantly fired for gross misconduct.
He was slightly more sympathetic when I told him that I had only just found one of my testicles down the plug hole.
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For our new years work do, our office decided to have a themed party, where the fancy dress code was your dream career.
They were all confused when I turned up in overalls and a plunger for the sink, but then things got even more awkward when i got my penis out.
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Before I die, I want to watch every single episode of 'Keeping Up Appearances'.
It's on my Bouquet list.
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I saw a flyer for the Scottish Independence campaign that said, 'Ever wonder where Scotland's wealth goes?'
Erm, into the till at The Tartan Arms?
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My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'.
Is that:
a) weird.
b) annoying.
c) unfair.
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BBC News: Russia will allow protests during the Winter Olympics as long as participants stay within a designated area.
Poland.
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My internet's been down for days.
Maybe I should search for happier things.