__The FA confirm they are looking for replacement to be English with hands on experience with Premiership players
Danielle Lloyd is now 2/1 favourite.
=====
As I was about to leave after spending the night with my new girlfriend for the first time, I said:
"I really enjoyed our time together, I just wish it was longer"
"Me too" she said, "would you ever consider using a penis pump?"
Bitch.
=====
Valentines day has been cancelled.
14-02-12 = 0
Mathematical proof.
=====
Bob comes into the doctor's waiting room.
"Good morning, Mr. Brown," says the receptionist. "What can we do for you?"
"I've got a sore dick."
The receptionist blushes, hearing this in front of the others in the waiting room, and she tells the doctor.
After his examination, the doctor tells Bob: "The next time you're asked what's wrong, just say you've got a sore throat."
Three weeks later, Bob comes into the waiting room again.
"Good morning, Mr. Brown," says the receptionist. "What can we do for you?"
"I've got a sore throat."
"When you talk?"
"No, when I wank."
=====
Day 4 looking for Wally, running low on food, water and supplies.
=====
So Prince Harry is going to be flying in Apache helicopters in Afghanistan and some people are expressing concern that this will make them more of a target.
Thats right, before that the Taliban simply couldn't be arsed to destroy those huge hovering metal things that kept firing fucking missiles at them.
=====
Our mate got really pissed last night and left the pub before us.
When we left, we found him being sick in the alley.
He was rimming a tramp.
=====
The fire alarm went off while I was shopping in B&Q today.
Nobody thought it was real, so I ran around with a hammer shouting "Everybody out, this is not a drill."
=====
I always make my wife moan during sex.
Interpret that how you want.
=====
A woman goes to the doctor and says, "I'm worried about some discharge - I think I'm getting too much."
The doctor says, "Pop up on the couch and remove your pants." He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers in her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?"
"Fucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear.
=====
Psychic wanted.
You know where to apply.
=====
Jordan says she can count the number of men she has had sex with on the fingers of both hands.
Fuck me, I didn't know she was from Norfolk.
=====
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones.
You piece of shut.
=====
A technician is to be sent to the Arctic Circle to work.
"This is your emergency equipment," says his boss. "It consists of a box with various distress flares, a radio and a deck of playing cards."
"What are the cards for?" asks the technician.
"If the distress flares don't work," says the boss,"try the radio and if the radio doesn't work, take the deck of cards and start a game of Solitaire.
It won't take long before some nosey bastard taps you on the shoulder and tells you to put the nine of spades on the ten of diamonds.
=====
I was asking the missus why she plucks her eyebrows out and then draws them back on. She says it makes her look sexier.
Using that logic, I have sawn my cock off and drawn a 18 incher down the side of my leg.
=====
Just thought of a great owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
=====
How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ha ha ha!...screw
=====
I just love watching porn on my phone.
It's the only time my cock is the same size as a pornstar's.
=====
Me: "Dad, can I ask you a question?"
Dad: "You just did."
Me: "Well can I ask another?"
Dad: "You just did."
Bastard.
=====
Obesity doesn't run in my family.
It waddles.
=====
My girlfriend told me if I got her one more gift she would burn it.
So I got her a candle.
=====
My new years resolution was to eat more locally grown produce.
However this has been scuppered by my neighbours new year resolution to build a bigger fence between our gardens.
=====
Making fun of dyslexics is such a low bowl.
=====
Young Hannah walked into work this morning with a big smile on her face.
"Aye, aye," I said, "Looks like someone had sex this morning."
"What?" she replied, pretending to be horrified, "Just because I'm smiling, you assume it's because I've had sex?"
"Well, it was more the fact that you've got a bit of dried spunk on your cheek actually."
=====
I'd like to have a sex change.
From none to some.
=====
David Beckham was asked. "What are your thoughts on John Terry losing the armband?".
"Well, I hope he gets it back or he'll be swimming in circles."
=====
Apparently there were around 10 people who really understood Einstein in his lifetime.
I must be a fucking genius, nobody understands me.
=====
Conversation dried up?
Why not tell everyone what your dashboard thermometer said when you got in the car this morning?
=====
A very sick man awaits his diagnosis. The doctor arrives with a distressed face to report back:
"Look my friend, you must be strong. It looks like you have Gibson's Syndrome."
"My God. Is that serious?"
"It will take time to find out Mr Gibson."
=====
After putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 woolly hats, 4 scarfs, 2 thick coats and a pair of boots, I waddled outside.
Ten seconds later I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move.
"You're coming with me" said the Primark security guard.
=====
I like to shave round my arse so after a shit because it's easier to wipe.
Made me realise why I've never seen David Cameron with a beard.
=====
Two gardeners are discussing their work.
"They say it's good for plants if you talk nicely to them," says one gardener.
"Really!?" says the other. "I'm off to tell the weeds they're a bunch of ugly bastards."
=====
John has 32 chocolate bars. He eats 28 of them.
What does John have now?
Diabetes, John has diabetes.
=====
My superbowl.com site has been getting loads of hits recently.
It seems people are finally appreciating the sheer quality of my owl.
=====
As I was lying in my Bangkok hotel room watching one of them suck my cock whilst the other sucked on my balls, I couldn't help but think that I really should have listened to my mother and bought a Mosquito net.
=====
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day.
Apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" isn't the best way to announce number 69.
=====
You know it's cold when you come out of Greggs and your pasty has steam coming off it.
Danielle Lloyd is now 2/1 favourite.
=====
As I was about to leave after spending the night with my new girlfriend for the first time, I said:
"I really enjoyed our time together, I just wish it was longer"
"Me too" she said, "would you ever consider using a penis pump?"
Bitch.
=====
Valentines day has been cancelled.
14-02-12 = 0
Mathematical proof.
=====
Bob comes into the doctor's waiting room.
"Good morning, Mr. Brown," says the receptionist. "What can we do for you?"
"I've got a sore dick."
The receptionist blushes, hearing this in front of the others in the waiting room, and she tells the doctor.
After his examination, the doctor tells Bob: "The next time you're asked what's wrong, just say you've got a sore throat."
Three weeks later, Bob comes into the waiting room again.
"Good morning, Mr. Brown," says the receptionist. "What can we do for you?"
"I've got a sore throat."
"When you talk?"
"No, when I wank."
=====
Day 4 looking for Wally, running low on food, water and supplies.
=====
So Prince Harry is going to be flying in Apache helicopters in Afghanistan and some people are expressing concern that this will make them more of a target.
Thats right, before that the Taliban simply couldn't be arsed to destroy those huge hovering metal things that kept firing fucking missiles at them.
=====
Our mate got really pissed last night and left the pub before us.
When we left, we found him being sick in the alley.
He was rimming a tramp.
=====
The fire alarm went off while I was shopping in B&Q today.
Nobody thought it was real, so I ran around with a hammer shouting "Everybody out, this is not a drill."
=====
I always make my wife moan during sex.
Interpret that how you want.
=====
A woman goes to the doctor and says, "I'm worried about some discharge - I think I'm getting too much."
The doctor says, "Pop up on the couch and remove your pants." He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers in her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?"
"Fucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear.
=====
Psychic wanted.
You know where to apply.
=====
Jordan says she can count the number of men she has had sex with on the fingers of both hands.
Fuck me, I didn't know she was from Norfolk.
=====
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones.
You piece of shut.
=====
A technician is to be sent to the Arctic Circle to work.
"This is your emergency equipment," says his boss. "It consists of a box with various distress flares, a radio and a deck of playing cards."
"What are the cards for?" asks the technician.
"If the distress flares don't work," says the boss,"try the radio and if the radio doesn't work, take the deck of cards and start a game of Solitaire.
It won't take long before some nosey bastard taps you on the shoulder and tells you to put the nine of spades on the ten of diamonds.
=====
I was asking the missus why she plucks her eyebrows out and then draws them back on. She says it makes her look sexier.
Using that logic, I have sawn my cock off and drawn a 18 incher down the side of my leg.
=====
Just thought of a great owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
=====
How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ha ha ha!...screw
=====
I just love watching porn on my phone.
It's the only time my cock is the same size as a pornstar's.
=====
Me: "Dad, can I ask you a question?"
Dad: "You just did."
Me: "Well can I ask another?"
Dad: "You just did."
Bastard.
=====
Obesity doesn't run in my family.
It waddles.
=====
My girlfriend told me if I got her one more gift she would burn it.
So I got her a candle.
=====
My new years resolution was to eat more locally grown produce.
However this has been scuppered by my neighbours new year resolution to build a bigger fence between our gardens.
=====
Making fun of dyslexics is such a low bowl.
=====
Young Hannah walked into work this morning with a big smile on her face.
"Aye, aye," I said, "Looks like someone had sex this morning."
"What?" she replied, pretending to be horrified, "Just because I'm smiling, you assume it's because I've had sex?"
"Well, it was more the fact that you've got a bit of dried spunk on your cheek actually."
=====
I'd like to have a sex change.
From none to some.
=====
David Beckham was asked. "What are your thoughts on John Terry losing the armband?".
"Well, I hope he gets it back or he'll be swimming in circles."
=====
Apparently there were around 10 people who really understood Einstein in his lifetime.
I must be a fucking genius, nobody understands me.
=====
Conversation dried up?
Why not tell everyone what your dashboard thermometer said when you got in the car this morning?
=====
A very sick man awaits his diagnosis. The doctor arrives with a distressed face to report back:
"Look my friend, you must be strong. It looks like you have Gibson's Syndrome."
"My God. Is that serious?"
"It will take time to find out Mr Gibson."
=====
After putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 woolly hats, 4 scarfs, 2 thick coats and a pair of boots, I waddled outside.
Ten seconds later I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move.
"You're coming with me" said the Primark security guard.
=====
I like to shave round my arse so after a shit because it's easier to wipe.
Made me realise why I've never seen David Cameron with a beard.
=====
Two gardeners are discussing their work.
"They say it's good for plants if you talk nicely to them," says one gardener.
"Really!?" says the other. "I'm off to tell the weeds they're a bunch of ugly bastards."
=====
John has 32 chocolate bars. He eats 28 of them.
What does John have now?
Diabetes, John has diabetes.
=====
My superbowl.com site has been getting loads of hits recently.
It seems people are finally appreciating the sheer quality of my owl.
=====
As I was lying in my Bangkok hotel room watching one of them suck my cock whilst the other sucked on my balls, I couldn't help but think that I really should have listened to my mother and bought a Mosquito net.
=====
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day.
Apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" isn't the best way to announce number 69.
=====
You know it's cold when you come out of Greggs and your pasty has steam coming off it.
_
I misunderstood the movie "The Bucket List"
Apparently it's not a documentary of the list of people Katie Price has slept with.
=====
I wonder if Eskimo's clog up their friend's news feeds with statuses and pictures of places where it hasn't snowed.
=====
I've been reading a book called '1,000 sexual positions'.
I've reached position 176 and hit a bit of a dead end.
Apparently from now on I'm going to need a woman.
=====
They say that the flashier car that you have, the smaller your dick is.
I'm not sure what to make of the fact that my Thai girlfriend doesn't drive.
=====
My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.
"Which one?" I replied.
"James Junior, or the girl one?"
=====
I've painted a blue rectangle in my garden.
Now people looking at Google Earth will think I've got a pool.
=====
I just saved a chav getting hit by the train.
As my facebook profile picture.
=====
A young gypsy girl is preparing for her wedding and her mother gives her a final bit of advice, "Emerald you do know tomorrow night is your honeymoon night and your husband is gonna want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?"
"Don't talk so daft ma, how the fuck's he gonna fit his Transit van in our sink?"
=====
I wanted to get a power-gate for my drive.
I've decided against it though.
With gate power comes gate responsibility.
=====
Instead of the traditional snowman the kids and I made a snowwoman last weekend.
Disappointingly, she melted when we put her in front of the cooker though.
=====
I already know the winner of this year's Britain Got Talent.
Me.
For not watching it.
FTW.
=====
Reports are suggesting the cat was an undercover agent for the RSPCA investigating claims that Liverpool FC are forcing a donkey to work as a striker.
=====
I heard my wife say, "C'mon, pick up the phone. I know you're there."
I hate visiting day in prison.
=====
My wife wanted to start having date nights to put the spice back into our marriage, and I totally agreed.
I'm a bit nervous though about the first one on Saturday night.
I've fancied Sue from work for ages.
=====
Got a few funny looks when I was eating my Caesar Salad at work before.
I don't think there's anything wrong with a bit of cat food.
=====
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
"Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
=====
I put 'kryptonite' on my CV as one of my weaknesses.
The interviewer saw this and said, "Let me guess, you're the joker?"
No, Superman.
=====
Jedward are that rich they've bought a three million pound LA mansion.
At this rate they'll only have to work a few more years and they could live comfortably for the rest of their lives without having to work again..........Hopefully.
=====
My Friend is sexually confused.
He doesnt know whether he's attracted to nuns or penguins.
=====
I've always been told its not rape if you yell surprise first.
You can imagine the terror I felt as I walked into my first surprise party.
=====
As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers.
"Hey cheeky!" she said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"
"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam," I said sternly. "I've never fucking worked here."
=====
I put my chips on the table knowing that she was about to fold.
She said "Move your dinner whilst I sort these clothes out."
=====
My brother was a victim of his own success.
His trophy cabinet collapsed on him.
=====
I went out last night with the mindset of 'any port in a storm'.
I ended up with a sexy nurse..........trying to get the ketchup bottle off my knob.
=====
I bought my 'rotund' girl friend an X-Factor t-shirt the other day being as she is such a fan.
It was a disaster, not 5 minutes out of the door and she was hospitalised by a skydiver.
=====
The Kwik-Fit mechanic had a puzzled look on his face when I asked him if I could get a wheel balanced.
"You can do that right?" I asked.
"Well, yeah," he said. "I've just never done one for a hamster before."
=====
I was teaching my son how to play chess today.
I told him, "Most people start by moving their pawn."
He ran upstairs to his bedroom and returned a few minutes later rubbing his hands together, "Right, what's next?"
=====
My boss said he's going to fire me if I don't show him some evidence of my productivity.
Tomorrow, I'm bringing the kids into work.
=====
Whats got 4 legs and more money than Glasgow Rangers ??
Harry Rednapps dog.
=====
They took down Megaupload...
They took down Megavideo...
They took down Megaporn...
That can only mean one thing....
RUN MEGAMAN..RUN!!
=====
I phoned my boss this morning.
I said, "I won't be coming in today, I haven't slept a wink, I've been up all night with my son."
"Is he badly ill?" asked my boss.
"No, we've been playing on his new Xbox."
=====
My girlfriend said, "I can make a balloon giraffe. Look, you twist this bit, wrap that bit around, do the same with this bit and then you, ..."
"GET THE FUCK OFF MY COCK YOU CRAZY BITCH!"
=====
Congratulations to Crimewatch for staging a reconstruction of the horrifying tiara theft at the Scottish home of the late Princess of Wales's mother Mrs Shand-Kydd. It's heartening to know that interest is being taken in property crime perpetrated against elderly ladies.
Doubtless the BBC will soon be popping round to my Granny's flat in the west end of Newcastle to reconstruct some of the dozen or so break-ins the poor cow's had in the last 18 months.
=====
"Super Bowl 2012 most tweeted about sporting event in history"
Yeah, all 6 fucking years of it.
=====
I'd just been for a massive stinky shit when I realised there was a queue of people waiting outside. Keen to avoid embarrassment, I emerged saying, "I don't know who was in there before me, but it's not for the faint hearted!".
And now I've been banned from confession.
=====
Did you hear about the Dyslexic boy who cried fowl?
The wolf ate him.
=====
I saw a Queen tribute act last night.
This old woman ended the show by having her daughter-in-law murdered.
=====
I was putting on my one piece rubber suit, when my wife said, "What the hell are you doing?"
I said, "Getting ready to go surfing."
She said, "Where exactly are you going surfing?"
I said, "On the internet, at gimpsex.com."
=====
What's old & ropey?
Old rope.
=====
I sat my son down last night to tell him the some news.
"Son" I said sheepishly, "I've got some good news and some bad news"
"Whats the bad news Dad" he said tears already welling up inside him.
"Well, your mother has just come back from hospital and the doctors have told her shes got cancer, shes got 3 weeks to live"
He started crying uncontrollably at this point. "Thats not all" I said, "When you were born you had a tumour on your brain that the doctors couldnt remove, and they said by the time you are 8 it will probably cause you to die."
He looked at me and said "but thats next week" I just nodded and hugged him.
"Don't worry son, we'll make sure we spend the next couple of weeks doing everything together and enjoy what little time as a family we have"
He started to calm down at this point and even looked happy at the prospect of Disneyland, then he said "Whats the good news"
"Well, with that fucking backstory I'm at least guaranteed a place in the final of Britains Got Talent"
I misunderstood the movie "The Bucket List"
Apparently it's not a documentary of the list of people Katie Price has slept with.
=====
I wonder if Eskimo's clog up their friend's news feeds with statuses and pictures of places where it hasn't snowed.
=====
I've been reading a book called '1,000 sexual positions'.
I've reached position 176 and hit a bit of a dead end.
Apparently from now on I'm going to need a woman.
=====
They say that the flashier car that you have, the smaller your dick is.
I'm not sure what to make of the fact that my Thai girlfriend doesn't drive.
=====
My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.
"Which one?" I replied.
"James Junior, or the girl one?"
=====
I've painted a blue rectangle in my garden.
Now people looking at Google Earth will think I've got a pool.
=====
I just saved a chav getting hit by the train.
As my facebook profile picture.
=====
A young gypsy girl is preparing for her wedding and her mother gives her a final bit of advice, "Emerald you do know tomorrow night is your honeymoon night and your husband is gonna want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?"
"Don't talk so daft ma, how the fuck's he gonna fit his Transit van in our sink?"
=====
I wanted to get a power-gate for my drive.
I've decided against it though.
With gate power comes gate responsibility.
=====
Instead of the traditional snowman the kids and I made a snowwoman last weekend.
Disappointingly, she melted when we put her in front of the cooker though.
=====
I already know the winner of this year's Britain Got Talent.
Me.
For not watching it.
FTW.
=====
Reports are suggesting the cat was an undercover agent for the RSPCA investigating claims that Liverpool FC are forcing a donkey to work as a striker.
=====
I heard my wife say, "C'mon, pick up the phone. I know you're there."
I hate visiting day in prison.
=====
My wife wanted to start having date nights to put the spice back into our marriage, and I totally agreed.
I'm a bit nervous though about the first one on Saturday night.
I've fancied Sue from work for ages.
=====
Got a few funny looks when I was eating my Caesar Salad at work before.
I don't think there's anything wrong with a bit of cat food.
=====
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
"Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
=====
I put 'kryptonite' on my CV as one of my weaknesses.
The interviewer saw this and said, "Let me guess, you're the joker?"
No, Superman.
=====
Jedward are that rich they've bought a three million pound LA mansion.
At this rate they'll only have to work a few more years and they could live comfortably for the rest of their lives without having to work again..........Hopefully.
=====
My Friend is sexually confused.
He doesnt know whether he's attracted to nuns or penguins.
=====
I've always been told its not rape if you yell surprise first.
You can imagine the terror I felt as I walked into my first surprise party.
=====
As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers.
"Hey cheeky!" she said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"
"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam," I said sternly. "I've never fucking worked here."
=====
I put my chips on the table knowing that she was about to fold.
She said "Move your dinner whilst I sort these clothes out."
=====
My brother was a victim of his own success.
His trophy cabinet collapsed on him.
=====
I went out last night with the mindset of 'any port in a storm'.
I ended up with a sexy nurse..........trying to get the ketchup bottle off my knob.
=====
I bought my 'rotund' girl friend an X-Factor t-shirt the other day being as she is such a fan.
It was a disaster, not 5 minutes out of the door and she was hospitalised by a skydiver.
=====
The Kwik-Fit mechanic had a puzzled look on his face when I asked him if I could get a wheel balanced.
"You can do that right?" I asked.
"Well, yeah," he said. "I've just never done one for a hamster before."
=====
I was teaching my son how to play chess today.
I told him, "Most people start by moving their pawn."
He ran upstairs to his bedroom and returned a few minutes later rubbing his hands together, "Right, what's next?"
=====
My boss said he's going to fire me if I don't show him some evidence of my productivity.
Tomorrow, I'm bringing the kids into work.
=====
Whats got 4 legs and more money than Glasgow Rangers ??
Harry Rednapps dog.
=====
They took down Megaupload...
They took down Megavideo...
They took down Megaporn...
That can only mean one thing....
RUN MEGAMAN..RUN!!
=====
I phoned my boss this morning.
I said, "I won't be coming in today, I haven't slept a wink, I've been up all night with my son."
"Is he badly ill?" asked my boss.
"No, we've been playing on his new Xbox."
=====
My girlfriend said, "I can make a balloon giraffe. Look, you twist this bit, wrap that bit around, do the same with this bit and then you, ..."
"GET THE FUCK OFF MY COCK YOU CRAZY BITCH!"
=====
Congratulations to Crimewatch for staging a reconstruction of the horrifying tiara theft at the Scottish home of the late Princess of Wales's mother Mrs Shand-Kydd. It's heartening to know that interest is being taken in property crime perpetrated against elderly ladies.
Doubtless the BBC will soon be popping round to my Granny's flat in the west end of Newcastle to reconstruct some of the dozen or so break-ins the poor cow's had in the last 18 months.
=====
"Super Bowl 2012 most tweeted about sporting event in history"
Yeah, all 6 fucking years of it.
=====
I'd just been for a massive stinky shit when I realised there was a queue of people waiting outside. Keen to avoid embarrassment, I emerged saying, "I don't know who was in there before me, but it's not for the faint hearted!".
And now I've been banned from confession.
=====
Did you hear about the Dyslexic boy who cried fowl?
The wolf ate him.
=====
I saw a Queen tribute act last night.
This old woman ended the show by having her daughter-in-law murdered.
=====
I was putting on my one piece rubber suit, when my wife said, "What the hell are you doing?"
I said, "Getting ready to go surfing."
She said, "Where exactly are you going surfing?"
I said, "On the internet, at gimpsex.com."
=====
What's old & ropey?
Old rope.
=====
I sat my son down last night to tell him the some news.
"Son" I said sheepishly, "I've got some good news and some bad news"
"Whats the bad news Dad" he said tears already welling up inside him.
"Well, your mother has just come back from hospital and the doctors have told her shes got cancer, shes got 3 weeks to live"
He started crying uncontrollably at this point. "Thats not all" I said, "When you were born you had a tumour on your brain that the doctors couldnt remove, and they said by the time you are 8 it will probably cause you to die."
He looked at me and said "but thats next week" I just nodded and hugged him.
"Don't worry son, we'll make sure we spend the next couple of weeks doing everything together and enjoy what little time as a family we have"
He started to calm down at this point and even looked happy at the prospect of Disneyland, then he said "Whats the good news"
"Well, with that fucking backstory I'm at least guaranteed a place in the final of Britains Got Talent"