After seeing how poor the Chinese are in the running events at London 2012, I'm gonna try my luck and not pay for my take-away tonight.
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I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following
question correctly, to win our grand prize."
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."
"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"
"835"
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I took my new puppy for his first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.
Probably should have started him on something weaker than Sambuca.
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What's 120mm in diameter, silver and covered in dust?
The Australian National Anthem CD.
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I've recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.
After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said, "Use this. You won't look a girl"
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So, a Palestinian woman came last in the 800 metres this week.
She would have finished sooner but for all the Israeli checkpoints.
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To offer a mint to a lady is polite.
To shove it in her mouth, rude.
To stick it in her bum is herassmint.
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"Your honour," pleaded my wife, "the guy my car crashed into was wearing earphones and didn't hear me coming!"
"I see what you're saying Mrs Smith," replied the judge, "but everyone's entitled to listen to music in the comfort of their own conservatory."
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Spelling lesson number one: The difference between won and one:
Great Britain have just won gold.
Australia have just one gold.
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The last person to question my masculinity got a face-full of piping hot lavender tea.
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"Knock, knock," I said to my blind mate.
"Who's there?" He asked.
"Doctor,"
"Doctor who?"
"Correct!" I giggled.
"I see what you did there," he replied laughing.
And that's when I reported him for benefit fraud.
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The shootings at the cinema in Denver have ruined the Batman film for me.
All I can see in my pirate copy is the audience running about and screaming.
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It's been four days since Curiosity landed on Mars.
Cats of the world have rejoiced and can sleep with both eyes closed, safe in the knowledge that the notorious serial killer can't touch them for a while.
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Doctors in Australia have diagnosed a new condition which they are calling "Olympic finger". Symptoms are pain in the index finger caused by repeated scrolling down to see Australia's medal tally.
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What is the opposite of Imagination?
I have no idea.
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I always like to put music on to enhance the mood when I'm having sex.
Usually Whitesnake's 'Here I Go Again On My Own'.
"I see someone got drunk last night," said my wife, waking me up.
"I only had three beers, so you're fucking wrong!" I raged.
"Fair enough," she replied. "Could you just roll off the driveway, I'm going to be late for work."
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NASA's next probe is going to be called the Bi-curiosity rover. It's expected to go to Mars, but is also open to exploring Uranus.
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Channel 4 have announced a new series where four Jeremy Kyle guests take it in turns to cook frozen pizzas and Pot Noodles for each other.
It's called Scum Dine With Me.
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I got loads of phone calls this morning asking, "Was that you on Crimewatch last night?"
I said, "Yes, it was me."
Now everybody knows I was mugged and bummed down an alley in broad daylight.
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The Curiosity Rover has just found a toilet with the seat up, proving once and for all that men ARE actually from Mars.
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I'm going to watch White Men Can't Jump later..........Or run, or throw.
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I've just been given the sack from the pet shop.
We've got far too many kittens again.
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As I walked romantically hand in hand with my girlfriend through the park I stopped her and said, "I've been wanting to do this for ages but it's never been the right time."
As I got down on one knee she shrieked, "Oh my god, Yes, yes, yes."
I said, "Okay, don't get too excited , it's only a fucking shoe lace."
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I saw Cheryl Cole in the street today.
"Hi" I said "I think it's disgusting how men treat you like a sex object."
"Get your hands off my tits!" she screamed.
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BBC News: Chris Hoy has been hit by a speeding car whilst leaving the Velodrome.
Police want to speak to the driver of a vehicle with the registration number 'S1R ST3V3'
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I called over the air stewardess and said, "Sorry to trouble you, but I'm trying to relax and this young kid behind me keeps screaming and hitting me on the back."
"I'm not surprised," she replied, "You're in his seat and you're squashing him."
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I'm a world renowned forger.
I have documents to prove it.
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My wife was shocked when a dog walked into our living room with a dildo in it's mouth.
"Who the fuck is that?" she screamed.
"That's Max, we've had it for years."
"I know," she replied, "but where did the dog come from?"
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Usain Bolt.
The fastest man running in London since John Terry heard Wayne Bridge's key in the door.
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My ex-girlfriend was a terrible kisser.
She would push me away saying stuff like, "I dumped you three years ago!".
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My job is to wipe the sand off the female beach volleyball players after every game.
It's £30 an hour but that's all I can afford to pay.
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Marriage teaches you loyalty, self-restraint, obedience and control, and develops in you a sense of responsibility, fair play and so many other qualities you wouldn't fucking need if you had just stayed single.
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I read that Roy Hodgson is set to name his latest England squad.
I hope he names them something cool like 'The Underachieving spunk monkeys.'
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"Liverpool has the highest number of stay at home dads in the UK."
Tagging obviously works.
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Bad news from NASA.
They managed to land the Rover on Mars, but it can't move now due to Head Gasket Failure.
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A bloke came up to me with a knife and said "Blud, give me your money, I'm from the streets innit."
I said "OK, You probably need it, your last 3 albums were terrible"
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My dad told that when he goes for a shit it comes out like chips.
Turns out he wasn't pulling his string vest out the way.
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My wife has finally agreed to let me have anal sex so long as she can watch.
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I came home once and found my ex eating a tub of ice-cream.
Fuck knows how she got the bath in the living room.
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Hang on, we beat the Chinese at Taekwondo?
Isn't that kind of like beating Scousers at thieving?