BBC News: 'Newsagents will have to hide cigarette packs in cupboards from today as part of Government drive to stop people smoking'.
Brilliant idea!
Because as soon as I'm away from my house and can't see it, I forget I ever had a home with the corresponding desire never to go back to it.
=====
I was chatting with a woman on-line last night.
"Tell me something interesting about yourself," I typed.
"I'm Lebanese," came the reply.
Shame, she's dyslexic and prefers girls.
=====
The local smackhead approached me yesterday and asked, "Any change mate?"
"No, you're still a smackhead, fuck off."
=====
"It's important we remember the true meaning of Easter" said The Archbishop of Cadbury.
=====
It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.
One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
=====
My friend asked me if I was interested in a chess tournament.
I said yes and he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman's breasts.
=====
My favourite job in the world would be a courtroom artist.
You get paid, and nowadays you get to meet all the people you loved as a kid on TV.
=====
The fortune teller looked into her crystal ball and said, "You're going to turn into a woman with a massive forehead."
"That's your fucking reflection."
=====
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
"First offender?" asked the Judge.
"No. First the Gibson then the Fender."
=====
I'm not saying the women who go into my local are ugly, but there's a paper bag machine in the gents.
=====
Having found the "God Particle", scientists at the Large Hadron Collider detected the "Allah Particle".
Before it blew itself up.
=====
I never brag.
It's just one of my many, many outstanding features.
=====
What's the difference between my ex and The Inland Revenue?
The Inland Revenue wants to talk to me.
=====
Damn, my rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour was at the door with some whiny story about his kids missing pet.
=====
I used to hate playing keepie-uppie as a kid.
Working as a fluffer was the worst Saturday job I ever had.
=====
"How would you describe yourself?" Asked the interviewer.
"Usually with words, but I've also been working on an interpretive dance if you'd prefer."
=====
I saw Cat Stevens on the Local Camp Site earlier, looking a bit pissed off.
"Awning has broken " he said , rather dejectedly.
=====
There's an embarrassing video of me using incorrect words that has made it's way onto the net.
To make matters worse, it's gone virus.
=====
Money doesn't buy happiness, it gives you choices.
One of these choices is to be happy with your money.
=====
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in.
And I start folding her clothes.
=====
Starfish.
Shit at giving directions.
=====
Nigel Farage has defended his comments on foreign-born HIV patients, saying looking after your own people first is 'the Christian thing to do'.
No, the Christian thing to do would be to cure them instantly with one touch.
=====
How many MPs does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
They just get an electrician in and get him to write the invoice out for £1500.
=====
Anyone else see the irony in The English Defense League holding a march to ban Burquas
=====
I was talking with a woman in a bar last night.
"If you saw what I had in my trousers you'd be shocked."
"Oh really?" she smiled, "Prove it then!"
So I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out a dead rat.
=====
If my dyslexia gets any worse, I'm going to go to Switzerland to get enthusiastic.
=====
I was walking down the street, yesterday, when I saw a really sexy bum.
It was then that I realised I had a fetish for homeless people.
=====
My worst memory of childhood was the time my parents hired a magician for my birthday party.
He sat me on his knee and made three of his fingers disappear.
=====
BBC News: Men who took advantage of cheap holidays to Benidorm in the 1970s are now dying of melanoma.
Unlike my Dad who took a beach holiday to Blackpool in the 1970s, and died of hypothermia
I saw a competition "Win a Trip to Algarve" run by the National Dyslexic Association
I entered it and won!
Nice spot Al's got in the cemetery.
=====
Man: "For fuck's sake love, how long have we been together? And you're STILL spelling my name with two L's."
Blonde girlfriend: "Oh fuck off, you pernickety bastard." She snapped. "It's an easy mistake to make."
"Baby, my fucking name is Steve."
=====
I finally fulfilled my promise to take my Grandad to the Antiques Road Show.
They reckon his urn's worth fuck all though.
=====
It's looking likely that Nick Clegg may lose his seat at the next election.
When interviewed on the subject, he stated that he was sure that if defeated, it would only be because there was a better candidate running against him.
His possible successor, a small potted plant, declined to comment.
=====
What do you call a Scottish paedophile?
Rolf Haggis.
=====
BBC News: Ex-Liverpool defender Andrea Dossena got arrested for shoplifting.
You can take the man out of Liverpool.
=====
Hoarding is great.
Collectively speaking.
=====
What's the difference between a Rubik's cube and an escort?
You can't do a Rubik's cube in a Rubik's cube.
=====
We had a massive row when my sister caught me with her vibrator.
She should be more careful when she swings it round.
=====
The huge oak in my UKIP supporting neighbour's garden blocks out the sun from the sycamore I have in my garden
I can't stand his bigger tree.
=====
I can never trust a male doctor during an examination.
If he's only going to put one finger up my arse, why is he taking his watch off?
=====
"I lost 10lbs in an hour today."
"No way. That's impossible!"
"Trust me. I have no idea where our baby is."
=====
The only reason Kanye likes Kim's arse all oiled up is because he can see his own reflection in it.
=====
How many bodybuilders does it take to change a lightbulb?
5.
One to change it and four to stand around yelling 'Looking huge dude, looking fucking huuuuge!'
=====
The Hatton Garden jewel thieves opened 70 boxes over the weekend grabbing diamonds worth millions of pounds.
They would have got away with more but after every third box Noel Edmonds interrupted them with a phone call from a banker.
=====
"I bet my Grandad's shitting himself as we speak".
"Why? What's he up to?"
"Nothing. He's really old."
=====
What's the best thing about being Polish?
Being able to type your name using only the bottom row of letters on the keyboard.
=====
The only reason my exaggeration therapy was a success is because I gave a hundred and ten percent.
=====
I went to the local cinema, and during the adverts it kept popping up a message saying "help us recycle, leave your rubbish by your seat."
A brilliant idea, but perhaps they should let the cinema staff know their plans, not one of the bastards helped me with my old cooker and sofa.
=====
My mate had chocolate for breakfast today.
Nothing to do with it just being Easter, he's Scottish.
=====
I walked into Tesco this yesterday, dressed as Michael Jackson and stole a bunch of bananas, a packet of strawberries and a blender.
I'm a smoothie criminal.
=====
If I could have one wish at my age it would be to have a penis as long as my arm.
Then at least I could have a wank without my tennis elbow playing up.
=====
It is now being rumoured that Andreas Lubitz was just searching for some ''plain simple methods for suicide'' when the ever-so-helpful Google got into action and suggested, ''Did you mean: plane simple methods for suicide?''.